The Major Obstacle in Settling down Disagreements
- :Sheikh Ibrahim Amini
Adopted from the book : "Principles of Marriage" by : "Sheikh Ibrahim Amini"
The biggest obstacle in solving family rows are self- centeredness and self-conceit. Unfortunately, many people are affected by these characteristics. Such people lack a certain intelligence whereby they only acknowledge their own virtues while dismissing those of others and never own their failures. It is especially disastrous when this disorder of character is accomplished by another. namely. picking up faults with others. Sometimes both husband and wife suffer with the latter in which case they may have a row day and night. Each criticizes the other while tracing themselves totally from all faults.
Sometimes if only one side suffers from this defect of fault-finding, they would pick up fault with the other and by so doing liberate themselves completely from all criticisms. Where both husband and wife suffer with this disorder, it is particularly difficult to reconcile them, because they would not he prepared to take anyone's advice. When each no listens to the radio or watches a program on television pertaining to family affairs, they would notice a particular flow of character which existed in their partner and would throw it in their faces. But any talked about fault pertaining to themselves would evade their attention. They would buy a book on family morals and hand it over to their partner, without feeling any need for themselves to read it.
Selfishness can become so sever that the affected person may not even be aware of it. In such a situation, the relationship between the couple becomes strained and even impossible to continue. Consequently, either life would go on in the form of rows, distress. and unhappiness, or may even lead to a divorce.
It is, therefore, recommended to all couples to abstain from selfishness and self-conceit. A couple, who are troubled with this situation, should find time to sit together and like two honest judges talk about their problem(s). They should listen to each other without prejudice. Each one should take a note of his own shortcomings without overlooking even the smallest issue, and with the intention of correcting them. Then they should both decide to correct themselves; but only if they feel the necessity for deep understanding and where they both long to revive their love and tranquility which once existed between them.
However, in the case of an inability to achieve reconciliation, they should refer their problem(s) to an experienced, faithful, aware, trustworthy, and benevolent person. If such a person is a friend or a relative, it may be to their advantage because they can tell them everything and await their verdict. They should listen to him and take note of his advice given and intend to put it into practice. Of course being faithful to the recommendations of a judge is not easy, but a person, who is concerned about his family and its stability, peace, and survival, should persevere and later enjoy its valuable results.
Parents of such couples, if aware of their children's family problem(s), should advise them to call on an experienced, faithful, and good intentioned judge. Parents should not take sides with either husband or wife. In this way, with the help of Allah their problems would be resolved.
Allah states in the Holy Qur'an:
"And if you fear a breach between the two, then appoint a judge from his people and a judge from her people; if they both desire agreement, Allah will effect harmony between them; surely Allah is Knowing, Aware." (4:35)
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