Married Life

Adopted from the book : "Principles of Marriage" by : "Sheikh Ibrahim Amini"

Although divorce is a lawful act, it is the most detested and worst of all deeds. "Imam Sadiq (AS) stated: 'Get married but do not divorce, because a divorce would tremble the Arsh (empyrean) of Allah'." 262 "Imam Sadiq (AS) also stated: 'Allah likes the house which is inhabited in the wake of marriage and dislikes the house which is abandoned in the wake of divorce. There is nothing more detestable to Allah than a divorce." 263 Marriage is not like buying a pair of shoes and socks that whenever not liked one disposes the shoes and buys another pair of shoes. Marriage is a spiritual covenant that two people make in order to stay together like friends, sympathizers and lovers till their death. It is based on these great hopes that a young girl leaves her parents and joins her husband.

A man makes efforts and works hard on the basis of such a divine covenant. He pays for his wedding and buys the necessary goods for his new life and works for his family comfort. Marriage is not a lustful affair and a couple cannot destroy it for trivial excuses. Although divorce is lawful, it is seriously detested and people are recommended to avoid it as much as possible.

Unfortunately, this very detestable act has become so common in Islamic countries and the foundations of family units have become so shaky that there is generally little faith in marriage any more. Divorce is permitted but only in very exceptional and compelling circumstances. "The Prophet (SA) of Allah stated: Jibrail(Gabriel) advised me about women so much that I thought one should not divorce them except if they commit adultery'." 264

Most cases of divorce are not based upon good reasons, but are on immature excuses. That is. the reasons for most cases of divorce are trivial and are not worth effecting the separation of a couple. The husband or wife, because of selfishness, may exaggerate a trivial problem and decide that their married life must be ended. "Mrs..., twenty-four years old, asked her husband to invite her parents to an expensive dinner. Since he did not accept her demand, she applied for a divorce'." 265 "A man divorced his wife on the grounds that she was only giving birth to girls. The couple had five daughters." 266 "A woman applied for a divorce, because her husband believes in mysticism and did not show much interest in life." 267

"A man applied for a divorce because he wanted to get married to a wealthy woman." 268 "A woman applied for a divorce because her husband used to hide his money in his sleeves." 269 "A man has divorced his wife because he claims that she is a bad-omen. Since their marriage his father had died and his uncle had become bankrupt." 270

A couple who is not wise and prudent, might fall into the traps of such petty matters and apply for a divorce. A couple, who seeks separations, must not rush for it. They are recommended to consider carefully about the after-effects and their future in detail and then decide. They must specifically ponder over two points:

First Point: A couple, who seeks divorce, generally would like to re-marry. But they should remember that after the divorce, the persons known as divorcees would not have a good record with regard to marriage. People think of them as selfish and unfaithful. Upon finding out a man's previous marriage and divorce, a woman might doubt his faithfulness or his character . A divorced woman rarely gets a chance to re-marry. Because men generally do not show much interest in marrying a divorced woman and doubt about her faithfulness. Therefore a divorcee would possibly have to stay alone for the rest of his or her life and may have to suffer from loneliness too. Being lonely is a very difficult situation, and some lonely people prefer death rather than such an unbearable life.

"A twenty-two year old woman who was divorced, attempted to commit suicide on the night of her sister's wedding. She had one child." 271 Even if a man is successful in re-marrying, it is not at all obvious that his new life would be any better than his first wife. She may even be worse. Such men usually prefer to divorce their second wife and re-marry the initial one. But usually it is too late for such a move.

"An eighty-year old man said in the court: 'I had a good life when I married my first wife about sixty years ago. But after a while she started mistreating, so I divorced her. I married a few women after that, but felt that my first wife was the most faithful among them. I found her and asked her to re-marry me. She, who was also tired of loneliness, agreed, and we now want to marry again'." 272 "A man divorced his second wife because she could not take care of the two children that he had from his first marriage. He than remarried his first wife whom he had divorced five years ago." 273

Second Point: A couple, which seeks separation. Must also think of their children. Children's comfort lies in a family where their both the parents live together and take care of them jointly.

Upon the breaking down of the family life. Children become extremely upset. If only their father looks after them. they would be deprived of motherly love. They would not enjoy life with step-mother either. Step-mothers, not only are unable to act as their genuine mothers. but may regard their step-children as a burden. Some step-mothers maltreat their step-children and make them upset deliberately and their fathers may have to remain silent.

"A fourteen-year old bride who had attempted to commit suicide said in the hospital. 'My parents separated when I was one-year old. My father remarried after one and half years and we are now living together. My step-mother used to beat me up and even burnt me with a hot metal rod on a few occasions. My father, even though a well-off man, prevented me from studying and deprived me from learning. About a month ago my father forced me to marry a forty-five year old man'." 274

"A thirteen-year old girl hung herself. This girl lived with her two brothers. One of the brothers said: 'My parents separated about three years ago. My mother re-married another man, and my father died two months ago. It was 6:30 pm yesterday that I came home and found my sister who had hung herself ." 275

Also, if the mother assumes the responsibility of her children, then they would be deprived of having a real father who would care for them. A step-father is often the cause of much unhappiness to his step-children. "A woman helped her second husband to tie his eight- year old step-son to a bed. They then closed the door and went out for a walk. When they returned home, they found their child had been burnt to death as a result of the fire in the house." 276

Divorce destroys a family unit and leaves the children wandering and shelter less. Children often suffer as the result of their parent's selfishness.

"Four children aged twelve, nine, six and four years went to a police station. The eldest son said: 'Our parents separated from each other a while ago. They had constant arguments and used to have a row everyday and night. Now that they are divorced, neither are prepared to take the responsibility of caring for us'." 277

Children, who are deprived of having a suitable guardian and a family atmosphere, often go astray. The lack of proper education and a sympathetic person in their lives, makes them suffer from complexes of interiority. They may even commit crimes of various degrees, during their childhood or adulthood.

One can realize this fact by just reading the events in the daily newspapers.

"In a research made at the Center for Youth Rehabilitation, it is evident that out of one hundred and sixteen criminal youths of this center, eighty people asserted that their step-mothers' treatment with them was the cause of their crimes." 278

Dear madam/sir! for the sake of Allah and for the sake of your innocent children, be forgiving towards each other. Do not exaggerate trivial problems and do not persist in your arguments. Do not pick up faults with each other. Think of your future as well as that of your children.

Remember! Your children rely on you and look up to you for their happiness. Have mercy upon them and do not destroy their lives.

If you ignore their internal desires and if you break their little hearts, you would not be able to escape the effects of their unhappiness. You would, therefore, be unable to have a comfortable life together.