Married Life

Adopted from the book : "Principles of Marriage" by : "Sheikh Ibrahim Amini"

It is customary with some women that, when upset with their husbands, they sulk, refuse to talk, do not attend to household work, do not eat, hit the children, or grumble. They believe that, not speaking, or quarrelling are the best possible ways of revenging their husbands. This attitude, not only fails to punish the man, but may result in his retaliation. Life then becomes difficult turning into a series of quarrels. The woman moans, then the man does. The woman refuses to talk and the man retaliates. The woman does something else, and the man does the same until they become tired and, through the mediation of relatives or friends, reconcile. But this is not the only time they had a row. There will be other occasions and there will be a few more days of bitterness.

Therefore, spending a lifetime of family rows will not be pleasant for either the parents or the children. Most of the runaway youth come from these kinds of families who then turn to crime and corruption. "A youth who was arrested on charges of theft, blamed his parents for his crime and said: 'My parents used to argue everyday after which they used to go to their relatives and I used to go into the streets and wander about. I was then deceived by others and later committed theft'." 86

"A ten-year old girl told the social workers: 'I remember vaguely that one night my parents argued over something.

The following day, my mother left and a few days later, my father took me to my aunt. After a while an old woman took me from my aunt's house and brought me to Tehran. It is a few years now, that I have been living with her and I suffered so much that I do not want to go back to her'."

"The teacher of a girl said: 'She is one of my students. She has not been performing well in her studies and looks to be suffering from something. She is always thinking. She has even been sitting in the courtyard of the school unprepared to go back home.' Two days ago I asked her: 'Why she was not going home?' She replied that she was living with an old woman who was nasty to her, and that she did not want her to returned home. I asked about her parents and she said they were separated'." 87

Dear madam! you should remember that if your husband reacts harshly towards you for not speaking with him, then he might even resort to severe measures such as hitting you. You would probably leave you r house to go to your parents' as the result of his harsh reaction. Next your parents would interfere and the row s between your husband and you would widen. You might end up getting a divorce in which case you would lose more than your husband. You might have to live on your own for the rest of your life. You will certainly regret a divorce.

"A woman said: 'I got married some time ago. I did not know much about caring for my husband and he did not know much about looking after me. We used to have row everyday. One week I wasn't talking and the week after he was refusing to speak to me. Only on Fridays, through the mediation of friends and relatives, we used to be on good terms. Gradually, my husband became disappointed with me and thought of divorcing me and remarrying. Since I was young I was not prepared to change and did not object to a divorce. We got divorced and I rented a flat. Soon I realized the dangers. Most of the people whom I met, were out to deceive me. I decided to reconcile with my former husband and called at his house. There I met a lady who introduced herself as his wife. I cried all the way back to my house. I regretted my divorce, but it was too late'." 88

"A twenty-two year old woman who, after getting divorced, had taken her child to her parents, tried to commit suicide on the night of her sister's wedding'." 89

Dear madam! you should seriously avoid sulking and not talking to your husband. If you are upset with him, be patient. Once you are calm and collected, talk .to him gently about your annoyance with him. You can tell him, for instance, "You insulted me yesterday, or you rejected my demand... Is it fair that you should treat me in this way?"

Such an approach, not only relaxes you within, but also would admonish him. He would then try to make up for his wrongdoing, and would respect you for you r good manners. As a result, he would review his behaviour, and would try to discipline himself.

The Prophet (SA) of Allah stated:

"At a time when two Muslims refuse to talk to each other and do not reconcile within three days, both will be out of Islam, and there will not remain any friendship between them. Then anyone of them who takes the initiative to reconcile with the other, would enter Paradise faster (than the other) on the Day of Judgment'." 90