Principles of Marriage

Accept Hks Management

Every institution, factory, and organization needs a responsible manager. In any sociological unit and organizatiofl cooperation between the staff is important. However, running the affairs of such a unit needs a manager who can coordinate the duties.

One of the very important social units is the 'family’. Running the affairs of this unit is very vital and difficult.

Undoubtedly, there must be a deep understanding, and cooperation among the members of a family, but there must also be a manager who can act responsibly with regard to the family matters. Needless to say, if a family does not enjoy a person who can organize others it would suffer from disorder and chaos. Thus, either the husband must act as the director and the wife follows, or vice versa.

However, since the logical aspect of men is dominant over their emotional aspect, they can be better managers. The Almighty Allah states in the Holy Qur’an:

"Men are the maintainers of women because Allah has made some of them to excel others and because they spend out of their money; the good women are therefore obedient ... (4:34)."

Thus it is in the interest of the members of a family to regard the man as their guardian and the one in charge, and to seek his supervision in their deeds.

However, one should not conclude that the status of a woman in the house is belittled, but it is a fact that maintaining the order and discipline in the house requires the management of the husband. Women who can think Without being biased, would confirm this act.

"A woman said: 'We had a good tradition in Iran which has unfortunately faded away gradually. In this tradition the man used to be in charge of the family affairs. He used to be the boss. Nowadays, however, the situation is changed, and families cannot make their minds up as to who should be in charge. I believe that the woman of today, who more or less have the same social status as men, should accept her husband as the chief of the house ... This old tradition has to be recommended to today’s young woman, who intends to marry. She should enter her husband’s house wearing a wedding dress and come out of it wearing a shroud’."

It is true that the everyday preoccupations of life do not allow a man to participate in all the family affairs and that in practice the wife runs the house according to her desires, but nevertheless the right of directorship remains with the man, and as such he should be respected.

Therefore, should a man express his opinion about any Point in the household matters orsuggest any thing. the wife Should not oppose him or deny him his right of directorship in any way. Otherwise, the man would regard himself as powerless and look upon his wife as an impolite and ungrateful woman. He might hold a grudge against her arid, at a later stage, even resist his wife’s lawful wishes.

"The Prophet (SA) of Allah stated: 'A good man would pay heed to her husband’s wishes and would act according to his ies’."

"A woman asked the Prophet (SA) of Allah: 'What is the duty of a woman with regard to her husband?’ The Prophet (SA) stated: 'She must obey him and must not violate his orders’."

"The Prophet (SA) of Allah also stated: 'The worst of women is one who is stubborn and obstinate’."

"The Prophet (SA) of Allah also stated: 'The worst of women is one who is barren, dirty, obstinate and

Dear madam! accept the authority of your husband. Seek his supervision in you rhousehold affairs. Do not violate his orders. Do not resist or oppose his participation in the household and family matters. Do not reject his participation even in those matters that you have more expertise. Do not practically make him powerless. Let him participate in your work occasionally. Teach your children to respect his authority, and ask them to get permission from their father in their affairs. Your children must learn not to violate his orders from an earls’ age. This way your children will be brought tip as obedient to their parents.

Be Resourceful when Times are I-lard

Life is full of ups and downs. The wheels of fortune do I not always rotate according to ou rdesires. One goes through many difficult times. Every one becomes ill. Many lose their jobs, and some may lose all their wealth. Many unpleasant incidents happen in the lives of everyone.

A man and a woman, who have sworn allegiance to each other, and signed a covenant of marriage, should walk along the path of life hand in hand. The covenant should be so firm that it could hold them together in sickness and in health, in richer and poorer, and in good as well as bad times.

Dear madam! if your husband becomes poor, must you add to his problems by having disagreeable behaviour. If he becomes ill, and bed-ridden, either at home or in the hospital, it is fair for you to increase your kindness towards him. You must nurse him, attend to his needs, and spend money for him. If you have money of your own you must pay for his reatment. Remember if you were ill, he would have paid for your health. Must you withhold yourwealth in preference to your husband’s health? If you fail to satisfy him at sensitive times like this, then he will be disappointed with you, and may even prefer to divorce you.

Here is a case to read about:

"A person came to the court to divorce his wife. He said:

'I became ill a few days ago and mydoctortold me that I hid to have an operation. I asked my wife to lend me the money that she had saved. She disagreed and left my house. As a result, I had my operation in a state hospital. Now that I have my health back I am not prepared to live with a woman who prefers her money to her husband. How can one call this woman a 'wife’?"

Every conscientious person would acknowledge that, in the above-mentioned case, it was the man who was right. Such a woman who is not prepared to spend her money for the treatment of her husband, does not deserve the respected position of 'wifehood’.

Dear madam! be careful not to act mercilessly at a time when your husband suffers from a permanent illness; must you leave him and yourchildren? How can you desert a man with whom you have had many joyful days and nights? How do you know that a similar fate is not awaiting you? How can you be sure that another man will be any better? Do not be stubborn and selfish. Be sacrificial and devote you rself for the sake of Allah as well as your honour and children. Be patient and teach your children a lesson of devotion, love, and patience. You can be sure that, in this world and the next, you will be rewarded handsomely. Your devotion is the best way of showing you rcare for your husband which is placed at the same level as Jihad.

"The Prophet (SA) of Allah stated: 'Jihad of a woman is in taking care of her husband’."

Do not Refuse to Talk and do not Sulk

It is customary with some women that, when upset with their husbands, they sulk, refuse to talk, do not attend to household work, do not eat, hit the children, or grumble. They believe that, not speaking, or quarrelling are the best possible ways of revenging their husbands. This attitude, not only fails to punish the man, but may result in his retaliation. Life then becomes difficult turning into a series of quarrels. The woman moans, then the man does. The woman refuses to talk and the man retaliates. The woman does something else, and the man does the same until they become tired and, through the mediation of relatives or friends, reconcile. But this is not the only time they had a row. There will be other occasions and there will be a few more days of bitterness. Therefore, spending a lifetime of family rows will not be pleasant for either the parents or the children. Most of the runaway youth come from these kinds of families who then turn to crime and cormption.

"A youth who was arrested on charges of theft, blamed his parents for his crime and said: 'My parents used to argue everyday after whicthey used to go to their relatives and I used to go into the streets and wander about. I was then deceived by others and later committed theft’."

"A ten-year old girl told the social workers: 'I remember ' vaguely that one night my parents argued over something. The following day, my mother left and a few days later, my father took me to my aunt. After a while an old woman took me from my aunt’s house and brought me to Tehran. It is a few years now, that I have been living with her and I suffered so much that I do not want to go back to her’."

"The teacher of a girl said: 'She is one of my students. She has not been performing well in her studies and looks to be suffering from something. She is always thinking. She has even been sitting in the courtyard of the school unprepared to go back home.’ Two days ago I asked her: 'Why she was not going home?’ She replied that she was living with an old woman who was nasty to her, and that she did not want her to return home. I asked about her parentsand she said they were separated’."

Dear madam! you should remember that if your husband reacts harshly towards you for not speaking with him, then he might even resort to severe measures such as hitting you. You would probably leave yqur house to go to your parents’ as the result of his harsh reaction. Next your parents would interfere and the rows between yourhusband and you would widen. You might end up getting a divorce in which case you would lose more than your husband. You might have to live on your own for the rest of your life. You will certainly regret a divorce.

"A woman said: 'I got married some time ago. I did not know much about caring for my husband and he did not know much about looking after me. We used to have row everyday. Oneweek I wasn’t talking and the week after he was refusing to speak to me. Only on Fridays, through the mediation of friends and relatives, we used to be on good terms. Gradually, my husband became disappointed with me and thought of divorcing me and remarrying. Since I was Young I was not prepared to change and did not object to a divorce. We got divorced and I rented a flat. Soon I realized the dangers. Most of the people whom I met, were out to deceive me. I decided to reconcile with my former husband and called at his house. There I met a lady who introduced herself as his wife. I cried all the way back to my house. I regretted my divorce, but it was too late’."

"A twenty-two year old woman who, after getting divorced, had taken her child to her parents, tried to commit suicide on the night ofher sister’s wedding’."

Dear madam! you should seriously avoid sulking and not talking to your husband. If you are upset with him, be patient. Once you are calm and collected, talk to him gently about your annoyance with him. You can tell him, for instance, "You insulted me yesterday, or you rejected my demand... Is it fair that you should treat me in this way?"

Such an approach, not only relaxes you within, but also would admonish him. He would then tty to make up for his wwngdoing,and would respect you for you rgood manners. As a result, he would review his behaviour, and would tiy to discipline himself.

The Prophet (SA) of Allah stated:

"At a time when two Muslims refuse to talk to each other and do not reconcile within three days. both will be out of Islam, and there will not remain any friendship between them. Then any one of them who takes the initiative to reconcile with the other, would enter Paradise faster (than the other) on the Day of Judgement’."

Ramain Silent when he is Angry

A man meets many people while at work and he comes across many problems.Once he returns home from work, he is tired and upon confronting the smallest unpleasant incident becomes angry and may insult his family.

A wise lady would remain silent towards her husband’s ranting and insults. The man would then calm down and would regret his insults.lf he sees that there isnot any reaction to his anger, he would even apologize. With this approach the family gets back to a normal situation after only an hour or two.

However, if the woman of the house did not understand her husband’s sensitive position, then she would shout, swear, curse, and react sharply.

With this approach, the husband and wife might end up fighting and eventually resort to a divorce. Many families are broken up as the result of such little incidents. There are even cases where men become so angry that they errupt like a volcano and commit murder.

"A man shot himself, his wife and step-mother to death. The couple were believed to have had many rows and arguments right from the start of their marriage. On the night of the incident the husband had returned home from work when the couple started yet another argument. The husband hit his wife, and she decided to go to the police. Suddenly, the man took his gun, killed his wife, his step-mother, and then ended his own life with a bullet’."

Would it not have been better for the woman to have remained silent at the husband’s anger? Would three lives have been ended if the woman had been patient and had not reacted? Which one would you prefer? A fewmoments of silence or all the grave consequences of getting back at your husband? Do not imagine for a second that the position of the man is being defended here and that he is not guilty. Not at all. Of course he is guilty. He should not vent his anger out on his family. In the next chapter, this point will be discussed in more detail but here we are saying that a woman should be wise and not react towards her husband’s anger, be it right or not. In this situation, the man may not be able to control himself, so it is important that the wife, in order to save her family, remains silent.

Women usually think that remaining silent, when coming face to face with their husband’s anger, would belittle them, and that they would lose their respect. However, the situation is quite the reverse. A man who sees no reaction when insulting his wife, would certainly become remorseful. He would regard his wife as a loving woman, who despite her ability to retaliate, preferred to forgive him. His lOve for his wife would increase manyfold. He would apologize and thus his wife would earn more respect.

"The Prophet (AS) of Allah stated: 'Any woman who tolerates her husband’s bad temper, will be rewarded by Allah in the same way that He rewarded Asiyah*, daughter of Muz?him’."

Men’s Hobbies

Some men like to have certain hobbies at home. They are interested in, say, collecting stamps or books, gardening or photography in their spare time at home.

Such hobbies are classified as the best and healthiest pastime activities. They are very useful in that they attract men towards their homes as well as causing their relaxation. One can become depressed and frustrated from being idle. It is a fact that one of the ways of treating people with mental disorders is to keep them busy with certain jobs. Those of us who work more than others are generally less affected by mental disorders, and are less attracted towards dangerous occupation.

Therefore, woman should respect the healthy hobbies of their husbands.

Pastime activities as foolish, cheap, and useless. Women must encourage their men in these activities and cooperate with them if necessary.

House Keeping

A house, although a little place, is a precious blessing. It is a shelter for the man who takes refuge in it after the work. It is a place for seeking comfort in even after being on a holiday, one finds rest in one’s home. No where is like home and nowhere can one find peace as one would in one’s home. It is a place of friendship, love, sincerity, comfort, rest, and a place where men and women of good virtue are eand trained. It is a workshop to train mankind and a place to educate and bring up children. It is a little society from which greater societies are formed.

It is responsible for the advancement as well as the decline of the larger society. The small family environment, although a part of a greater society, enjoys an internal independence, and that is why correcting a nation must start by improving the family.

The responsibilities of education, training, and running of this sensitive social base lies with the women. Therefore women, through their deeds and behaviour towards their family, can determine the deterioration or progress of a nation. Thus, the job of a housewife is sensitive, respectable and revered.

Those who underestimate the family unit and are ashamed with this job, arc in fact ignorant of its values. A housewife should be proud of her position. She is holding a position of honour and sacrifice for the good of society.

The educated women have a greater responsibility in this job, and thus should be models to others. They should practically prove that being educated does not contradict the position of being a housewife, but that it also helps in being a better housewife.

The educated woman should manage the family life in the best possible manner. She should be proud of housekeeping and should prove that an educated housewife is much better than an uneducated one.

It is not proper for her to abandon housework on the pretext of being educated. Education is not meant to shirk one’s responsibilities, but it should help one perform his responsibilities better.

"A man, married to a high-school passed girl, said in the court: 'My wife refuses to do any housework. Every time I protested she said that housekeeping was not meant for an educated woman. She is not prepared to change and even asks me to divorce her, and marry a maid instead! Two nights ago I invited my wife’s relatives and friends for dinner. At dinner time I spread the table cloth and placed my wife’s framed certificate of high school in the middle. I then told everyone to observe the dinner that my wife prepares for me every night’."

Now let us read the opinion of a few educated women about being a housewife:

"Mrs F N Shamirani, a graduate, said: 'A housewife should be an expert in dealing with the household affairs, a good companion for her husband, a good mother to her children and a good hostess to the guests’."

"Dr Mrs Fasihi, pediatrician, said: 'I believe that a genuine housewife is one who is not engaged in office work, because office jobs in our country lack the necessary facilities regarding nutritional needs and nurseries. A woman in an office is always worried about her children or her husband’s food’."

"Mrs S Yakita, Technical Superintendent of the Faculty of Medicine, said: 'A housewife should be able to create a clean and attractive house with the least Possible budget. She should share the happy and sad time with her husband. She must not ingore her husband’s mental and social status’."

"Mrs I Naimi said: 'A housewife is one who minimizes her unnecessary recreations and who would try to improve the affairs of the house. She must also be able to regulate the income with spending’."

Cleanliness

One of the important duties of a housewife is maintaining cleanliness in the house. Cleanliness is the key to hygiene and health. It prevents many illnesses and attracts the family members to the house. It is a source of respect forthe family.

"The Prophet (SA) of Allah stated: 'The religion of Islam is based upon cleanliness’."

"The Prophet (SA) of Allah also stated: 'Islam is immaculate, so you should make efforts for cleanliness" because only the clean ones would enter Paradise.

Always keep your house clean and tidy. Dust it off once a day and remove all stains and dirt from the walls, doors, windows, furniture, and other items. Keep the garbage in a covered dustbin, keep it away from the other rooms, and kitchen. Empty the dustbin regularly. Do not keep the garbage in front of your house. Do not let your children urinate in the garden or the yard, and if they did, wash the place immediately. Dirt is a centre for dangerous microbes. Do not pile up dirty dishes. Wash them as soon as possible. Do not forget that deadly germs grow on dirt and can become fatal to you and your family. Wash the dishes with clean water, and afterwards keep them in a clean place. Remove all dirty clothes, especially babies’ nappies. from the vicinity of all rooms and kitchen and wash them as soon as possible.

Keep all the family clothes, especially the underwears, clean and tidy. Wash the meat, vegetables and all your food ingredients before cooking. Wash all fruits before eating them because some fruits are sprayed with poisonous substances.

Wash your hands before eating and teach your children to do the same. After food, one should wash one’s hands and mouth. If possible one should brush one’s teeth after every meal. Brushing one’s teeth is essential, at least, once a day. preferably before sleeping at night.

Cut your nails once a week. Long nails are not hygienic, because germs can live under long nails.

Take a bath, at least, once a week, or if possible every other day.

One must remove all hair from under one’s armpit as well as other places by shaving or other means. Hidden hair on the body is a suitable place for the growing germs. Do not leave food exposed to flies, because flies are carriers of many dangerous microbes.

The holy religion of Islam strongly recommends people to observe cleanliness.

"Im?m S?diq (AS) stated: Almighty Allah likes adornment, being beautiful, and finds the pretention of being poor as distasteful. He likes to see the effects of his blessings upon his wotshipper, that is to see him clean, tidy and using scent, to decorate his house, to dust off his house environment, to turn the lights on before sunset — because this deed takes away the poverty from home and increases sustenance’."

"The Prophet (SA) of Allah stated: 'A dirty person is a bad servant (to Allah)’."

"Im?m 'All (AS) stated: 'Keep your house clean of spider’s webs, because a spider’s web is a cause of poverty’."

"The Prophet (SA) of Allah stated: 'Do not leave the rubbish inside the house at night, because Shaytdn (Satan), ie, pollution and uncleanliness takes its abode there’."

"The Prophet (SA) of Allah also stated: 'One’s clothes must always be clean’."

"In addition, the Prophet (SA) of Allah stated: 'Do not leave an oily cloth in the house, because Satan takes its abode there’."

"Im?m Sdiq (AS) stated: 'Washing dishes and cleaning around the house increases the sustenance’."

"Im?m S?diq (AS) also stated: 'Do not leave the dishes without a cover, otherwise Satan spits at them and uses them’."

"In addition, Im?m S?diq (AS) stated: 'Fruits are sprayed with poisonous substances, so wash them before eating.

"Im?m Kazim (AS) stated: 'Taking a bath every other day would fatten one’."

"The Prophet (SA) of Allah stated: 'Do not leave the rubbish behind the front door of the house because Satan takes its abode there’."

"The Prophet (SA) of Allah also stated: 'If it had not been something inconvenient for my followers, I would have ordered them to brush their teeth with every wudü (ablution) for prayer (ie, five times a day)’."

"Im?m Sâdiq (AS) stated: 'Cutting one’s nails on Fridays would, prevent one from being affected by leprosy, insanity, alphosis and blindness’."

"It has been related that: 'Satan takes his sleep underneath the (long) nails’."

"Im?m 'All (AS) stated: 'Washing one’s hands, before having meals, would prolong life, prevent one’s clothes from becoming dirty and would enlighten one’s eyes’."