Coping With Your Husband’s Job
Everyone has ajob and jobs are different. For example, a driver who is mostly on the road and is unable to come home every night; a policeman who may have to stay out some nights; a medical doctor who has little time to spend with his family; a lecturer or a scientist who reads a great deal at nights; a mechanic whose clothes are dirty and have smell of oil; a factory worker who works at night. Therefore, there are rarely jobs which are entirely convenient and do not entail any discomfort of the family. There is not any other way of earning an honest living than working. It is necessary for the men to put up with the difficulties of their jobs. However, there is another problem which is the complaints of the family.Women usually like their men to be nearby and prefer them to be home when it becomes dark. Women want their husbands to have a decent job with a high salary. They like to have enough time to go out in the evenings. But unfortunately, the jobs of most men do not live up to their wives’ expectations and this, for some families, is a source of rows and arguments.
A driver who has been on the road for a few nights, who has not had a decent sleep and has not been eating regularly enters his house to rest and find peace and comfort with his family. Then his wife, without sparing a moment, starts to moan and groan: "What is this life? Why do you leave me with these kids and where have you been? I have to do all the work myself because you are not here to help. I am fed up with these naughty children. As a matter of fact driving is not a good job. You should either change your job or settle with me. I can’t live like this any longer!" A poor driver who has such a wife cannot be expected to perform well on his job and may endanger his life; and the lives of those whom he transports. A doctor who, from morning to night, visits tens of patients cannot cope with the grumblings of his wife. Then how could he continue to practise medicine? A worker who works during the night shifts cannot enthusiastically pursue his job if his wife is a shrewish woman. How can a scientist be successful in his field of research if his wife is constantly nagging him? These are the tests which distinguish the wise women from the ignorant ones.
Dear madam! we cannot make the world according to our wishes, but we can adapt ourselves to the existing situation. Your husband needs to have a job to earn his family’s living. His job has certain conditions which you must adapt to. You must programme your family life according to his job. Why do you grumble and find fault with his job? Welcome him home with a happy face and be kind to him. Be wise and cope with his job.
If your husband is a driver who is mostly on the road, then realize that he is trying to bring money home for your sake and the children’s. There is nothing wrong with his job. is a part of society and is serving it the best way he can. Would it have been better if he was a lazy person or if he was engaged in an irreligious job? So, there is nothing wrong with him. The fault lies with you, expecting him to be at home every night and not being able or not wanting to adapt Yourself to the present conditions.
Is it not wise to get used to the existing situation and live more comfortably? Would you not rather welcome him with a smiling face and pursuade him to carry on in his job with a warm "Good-bye" when he leaves home for work? If you act kindly, his interest in his family would increase and he could work harder. He would not isolate himself from you; he would come home as early as possible; he would not have accidents and he would remain healthy in his morals.
If your husband is a night-shift worker, he is missing his night’s good sleep in order to meet the expenses of his family. Try to get used to it and do not express your dissatisfaction. If you get bored, then you can do some of the housework, sewing and reading at night. In the morning prepare the breakfast when your husband comes back from work, and then prepare his bed in a quiet place. Keep the children quiet and teach them not to disturb their father when he is resting. You can even sleep less at night and take a rest with your husband during the day. But, do not forget that he has been awake all the Right and the sleep during the day to him is the same as the night sleep for you. Women in this situation have to have two programmes, one for themselves and one for their husbands.
If your husband is a driver, a doctor, a worker, or a scientist etc, then you must be proud of him. Your husband is not an idle loafer or engaged in an irreligious occupation. So appreciate him and show your gratitude. Do not expect him or ask him to leave his job, but try to adapt to his existing one. If he is reading or researching on a particular field, then do not disturb him. You can do the housework, read a book or, with his permission, go and visit your friends or relatives. But when he is resting, try to be at home. Prepare his food and other requirements. Receive your husband with a smiling face and good manners. By showing your kindness and by pleasing him you can make him forget his tiredness. If you are a good wife, then not only you can expedite his promotion, but also you are contributing to his serviceS towards society.
Not all women deserve such hardworking men. So by being well-mannered and sacrificing, prove that you are worthy of him.
If your husband’s job requires him to wear special clothes which become dirty, then wash them frequently. Do not grumble and do not tell him bad because of his job. Do not ask him to change his job. It is not easy to change jobs. What is wrong with being a mechanic. In any case, this is not an important matter and families should not be broken because of it.
"A woman told the judge in a court that her husband’s job was selling kerosene and that he always was smelling bad and hence she was fed up with the situation."
If You Have to Live Away From Your Hometown
One may have to live away from one’s hometown. Your husband may be working for the private or the public sector and sent on duty to another city or town also. Some people live in this way either temporarily or permanently. Men are forced to cope with this situation but some women prefer to be near their parents and relatives. These women are acustomed to the streets, walls, and the environment of their place of birth. After moving away they blame their husbands and complain: "Why should I live away from my home? How long am I going to be away from my home and my parents? I have no one in this place. What is this place you have brought me? I cannot stay here; so think of a way out!"These women should not upset their husbands in this way. They are so feeble-minded that they think their birth places are the best locations to live. They think that they cannot enjoy life anywhere else. Mankind is not satisfied even with its own planet, so it has stepped onto other planets. But one looks and finds a woman who is so improvident that she is not prepared to live a few miles away from her hometown. She thinks to herself: "Why should I leave all my friends and relatives toget to a strange place?’It is as if this lady is not self-confident enough to be able to find new friends in another place away from her home.
Dear madam! be wise and sacrifing. Do not be selfish. Now that your husband’s job has taken you away from your hometown, do not cause him any distress. If he is a civil servant, he has orders to travel on duty and if he has a private business, then surely it is to his advantage to live in another location. If your husband informs you that he has to live in another place, then you should agree at onceYou should then help pack up and move to new places where you must try to feel at home. Plan your life in this new home and adapt yourself to it. Since you are new in the area and probably not familiar with the characteristics of the inhabitants, be cautious with them. After a while, with the help and supervision of your husband, try to make friends from among the chaste and trustworthy women.
Every place has its own merits. You can relax by sightseeing and visiting ancient buildings. You must keep the family together and encourage your husband in his work. After a while you get used to your new home and you might even like it more than your previous one. You might find that your new friends are better than your old ones.
If the new place lacks the luxury of your previous town, then get used to the new life and find its merits. If you are no longer enjoying such privileges as electricity, then your environment may have abetter climate and you may be able to get fresher and better quality food. If there are not any proper roads, then you will not be inhaling toxic exhaust fumes and you will be away from all the noise of people and cars.
Think a little about your country men and women who are living happily in mud and brick houses and would not give any heed to the luxuries of city life and their beautiful castle like houses. Think of their needs and deprivations. If you can help them, then do not hesitate and encourage your husband to be helpful to them. If you are wise and perform your duty, then you can live comfortably in the new place. You can be helpful towards your husband’s progress. This way you would be known as a respected and devoted wife. You will be loved by your husband and would earn popularity amongst the people. Moreover Allah will be satisfied with you.
If Your Husband Works at Home
Those women whose husbands work outside have freedom at home. But some men work at home, like poets, writers, painters, or scientists who need to read a great deal. The wives of such men have less freedom at home and, therefore their lives are different. The above-mentioned jobs require concentration, talent, and intellect. Therefore, there will be a need for privacy and silence. One hour of work in peace is equivalent to a few hours of work in a busy and noisy surrounding. The problem is clear. On the one hand, the man needs a quiet place to work in and on the other hand, the wife want to move around the house freely.If a woman plans the affairs of such a house in such a way that her husband can get on with his job, surely she has accomplished a valuable task. Such an achievenment is certainly not easy, especially when there are children around. But nevertheless the problem must be solved, because the progress of the husband in his job would be based on this.
If a woman cooperates with her husband, she can turn him into a respected man who can be a credit to her and the Society.
A woman, whose husband works at home, should not expect him to babysit, to open the door to callers, to go to the kitchen, to help with the housework, to shout at the children...; but she should imagine that he is not in the house while he is working.
Dear madam! when your husband wants to go to his study room, prepare his pen, paper, cigarettes, ash-tray, matches, books, and other items he requires.
Once you have prepared the room and his requirements, leave him. Do not talk loudly and do not allow the children to make a noise. Teach your children not to play noisily while their father is working. Do not talk to him about daily matters. Answer the door and the telephone when it rings. If anybody wants to see him or talk to him, tell them he is busy. Entertain your guests during his break times. Tell your friends and relatives to visit you when your husband is not busy. Your true friends would not be upset by your demand. While you are doing your housework, provide him with his needs. Do not interrupt him.
Perhaps some women think this way of life is impossible. They might say: "Is it possible for a woman to do the difficult housework, and at the same time, take care of her husband and not to let anything interrupt him?"
It is true that this way of life is unusual and seems difficult, but if the women in question ponder over the importance of their husbands’ jobs, they can decide to overcome the problem through good planning, devotion, and wisdom. The exceptionality of some women becomes apparent in these situations. Otherwise, running an ordinary family life is not an extraordinary task.
Dear lady! writing a book, a good scientific article or a useful essay, writing an excellent poem, creating a precious painting, or solving scientific problems are not easy tasks. But, with your devotion and co-operation it becomes possible. Are you not prepared to sacrifice your desires and with a slight alteration in your life, help your husband in his job? Through your help, he would become prestigious and you would share his social status.
Help Your Husband to Make Progress
Human beings are by nature potentially able to make progress. The love for attaining perfection exists in all of us; and we have been created for achieving perfection. Everyone, in any job at any age and in any condition is able to progress and mature. One should never be content with mere existence, and should not forget the purpose of creation. One must try to acquire perfection in one’s own lifetime.Even though everyone is pursuing for progress, not all are successful. Making progress needs high aspirations and a great deal of hard work. One must prepare the ground and remove the obstacles after which one must take the necessary steps in the path of progress. The personality of a man is largely dependent on his wife’s desires. A woman can be helpful in her husband’s progress as much as she could be detrimental to it.
Dear lady while considering the possibilities, consider a higher status for your husband andencouragehimto achieve it. If he is interested in continuing his studies or if he wants to increase his knowledge through reading and research, then do not stop him. Encourage him to achieve his desires. Plan your life in a way that is not a hindrance in his progress. Try to assist him to make progress through creating a relaxed and comfortable atmosphere at home. If he is illiterate, encourage him and humbly ask him to start his studies at night classes. If he is educated, encourage him to increase his knowledge by further reading. If he is a medical doctor, make him read the medical journals and otner related articles. If he is a teacher, engineer or a judge, then ask him to read the books and articles which are related to his specialization. You should remember whatever position your husband holds, there is an Opportunity for him to make progress.
Do not let him deviate from the path which has been paved by the order to creation. Encourage him to read books. Do not let his personality cease to grow.
If he is short of time to buy or obtain books, then with his or a friend’s supervision obtain the books of his interest. Give the books to him and encourage him to read them. You should read books and useful magazines too. If through reading, you come across an article which is useful for your husband, then informhimof it. This act has several benefits:
(a) Through the repetition of this act, your husband will become a learned person who would be a credit to you and himself. Moreover, he would become a brilliant specialist whose services would be beneficial to him as well as his society.
(b) Since, through his studies and research, he has conformed with the laws of creation, he would be less prone to mental and nervous disorders.
(c) Since he is on the path to progress and shows interest in reading, then he becomes more attached to you and the children; he would not be drawn towards corrupt activities and would not fall into the trap of fatal addictions.
Be Careful That He Is Not Misled
Men should have freedom in their business and associations in order to be able to work and progress in a way suitable to them. If men are restricted in their activities, then they will not be comfortable. A wise woman would not interfere with the affairs of her husband. She should not monitor his movements; because she should know that by denying him the freedom he needs and by trying to control his a’itivities, he may react severely. Wise and experienced men do not need to be controlled. Such men always act wisely; they cannot be deceived; they know both their friends and their foes. However, there are men who are simple; they can easily be deceived and would easily be influenced by others.There are people who are impostors and are lying in wait for simple men. The impostor, though pretending to be a good-doers traps the man and draws him towards corruption. The corrupt society and the unyielding nature of humans does not help the situation. The simple man may not realize his situation for a while, but one day he wakes up and finds himself deep in a trap from which there is not any escape.
If you look around yourself, you see tens of such unfortunate people. Perhaps none of them intended to fall in the trap or become corrupt, but through their own simplicity, ignorance, and unthoughtfulness, they are now preyed upon by the corrupt in society.
On this account, the simple men need to be taken care of. By monitoring their activities, the wise and well-wishing people would be doing them a great service.
The best people for this task, however, are the wives of these men. A wise and clever wife is able, through a benevolent and wise attitude, to achieve the greatest of the tasks regarding her husband. Such women, however, should remember not to directly interfere with the affairs of their husband, or to tell them the "do’s" and the "don’t’s". The reason for this is because men mostly do not like to be treated as tool in the hands of others; otherwise they may react sharply. But a wise woman would monitor her husband’s activities and watch his associates indirectly without his knowledge.
It also happens that some men, some times, come back home later than usual. If this is the case and the number of the late arrivals to home are within an acceptable limit, then there is no need to worry, because men are sometimes engaged in certain unexpected events which they try to pursue after their work. However, if the number of late arrivals exceeds the accepted limit, then his wife should make an effort to investigate. But investigation is not easy; it requires patience and wisdom; one must avoid anger or protest. The wife should first of all talk to him softly and kindly. She should ask him why he came home later than the day before and where he had been. She should pursue the matter wisely and patiently at different times and on different occasions. If she finds out that becomes back home late because of his work or attends scientific, religious, and moral meetings, then she should leave him alone. If she feels that he has found a new friend, she should find out who he is. If his new friend is a well-mannered person with a clean record, then she should not worry. It is even recommended that she encourages him in his new friendship, because a good friend is a great blessing. If you feel that your husband is going astray or that he associated with corrupt and unworthy people, then you should stop him immediately. A woman in this situa&ion has a great responsibility. The slightest mishandling othe situation, through carelessness, may shatter their family life. This is a situation where the wisdom and cleverness of some women can become useful and apparent. One should remember that rows or arguments are not the solution and they may result in the exact opposite. A woman, who experiences this event, has two tasks to achieve:
(a) First she should assess the situation at home; and should examine herself and her attitude. She must find out the reason for her husband’s behaviour. She should fairly judge why he has grown cold towards his family and gone astray. She may find that her own attitude had been thc cause; or perhaps she had been the cause; or perhaps she had been indifferent to his desires for food, her looks or the affairs of the house. Such matters draw men away from home. They may then pursue outside deviant activities in order to forget their problems.
The wife can ask her husband about his problems and try to help solve them. If a woman corrected herself and changed the house according to his desires, then she could be hopeful that her husband could be drawn back to his family and that he would avoid corrupt places.
(b) Secondly,she should show him as much kindness as possible. She should advise him and remind him of the grim consequences of his deeds. She should even cry and beg him to give up his bad companions. She must say to him: "I love you from the bottom of my heart. I am proud of you. I prefer you to all things and I am ready to devote myself to you. But I am saddened by one thing; why should a man, like you, have these kinds of friends; or attend that kind of a party? Such deeds are not suitable for you. Please give them up."
The wife must continue this attitude until she conquers the heart of her husband.
It is possible that the husband is used to unworthy habits and that he would not be influenced easily, but the wife should not become disappointed. She should pursue her goal with greater strength and patience.
Women have great power and influence over men. She is able to do whatever she wills if she puts her mind to it. If a woman decides to save her husband from the filth of corruption, she can do it. There is an eighty per cent chance of success, provided she acts wisely. Anyway, she must not use violence or a harsh attitude, unless she sees that there is not any result from being kind and gentle to him. Even then she must quarrel, leave home or use any other way in as kind a way as possible and not revengefully.
Yes, looking after one’s husband is the duty of every wife. It is a difficult duty and that is why the Prophet (SA) of Islam stated: "The Jihdd of a woman is to take care of her husband well."
