Principles of Marriage

Wrong Expectations

Dear lady! you are the mistress of your household. Be wise and understanding. Keep an account of your expenses. Budget your expenditures in a way that it is not detrimental to your wealth and honour. Do not compete with others and be envious of them. If you see a nice dress on a woman, or if you become interested in some furnishings that you have seen at a friend’s or relative’s house, do not compel your husband to purchase them which is beyond his financial means and would force him to borrow. Isn’t it better to wait until your budget is higher or there is some extra saving to make nonessential purchases?

It is mostly the ignorant and selfish women who succumb to extravagance and rivalry. These women force their husbands to be under debt and they become exhausted and disgusted in trying to satisfy the unsatiable demands of their wives. Sometimes, the only solution to these problems for the men is to go for a divorce or even commit suicide.

The women who have not perceived the true purpose and meaning of marriage and instead they regard it in terms of bondage where the husband is acquired to fulfil their childish desires and material needs. They want a husband who will serve them like a slave and will not object to their way of spending. These women sometimes even go further. They make their husbands spend more than their means which may entail bankruptcy, murder, and other disastrous consequences.

Such women are a disgrace to other women. If her high expectations lead to divorce, the woman will be deprived of the love of her children, and will have to live a life of loneliness. For these women remarriage will not happen easily. Even if it does happen, it is not certain that the marriage will work out since most human beings do not like to be kept in unreasonable bondage and the new husband may not be able to meet their demands any better than the previous one.

Dear lady! instead of being covetous, try to be reasonable. Spend more time and effort for the well-being of your family and husband rather than trying to imitate everyone. If your husband spends lavishly, then stop him and curb his unnecessary expenses. Instead of buying nonessential commodities, it is better to save some money for a rainy day.

"In a Tradition, the Holy Prophet (SA) stated: 'Any woman who is not compatible with her husband and persuades him to act beyond his capacity, then her deeds would not be accepted by Allah. She would taste the wrath of Allah on the Day of Resurrection’."

"In another Tradition.the Holy Prophet (SA) stated:

'Any woman who is not compatible with her husband, is not content with what Allah has blessed them with, and treats her husband harshly by demanding him to give more than he is able, then her acts (or worship) are not acceptable by Allah and He will be angry with her’."

'in other Tradition, the Holy Prophet (SA) stated:

'After having faith in Allah, there is not any greater blessing than to have a compatible spouses. ''

Be a Comfort for Your Husband

The burdens of life weigh heavily upon the shoulders of men since they are responsible for maintatining and supporting their families. In fulfilling this responsibility, the man of the household must confront many problems and obstacles outside of the home. Some of these problems may be the pressures of work, the hassles of traffic and commuting from the office to home, concerns over economical and political issues of the day, empathy and concern for friends and colleagues, and the pressures of trying to improve the livint conditions oI his family. The amount of preoccupations and pressures upon a responsible man is enormous and multifaceted. It is no wonder that the average lifespan of a man is less than the woman.

In order for the human being to be able to cope with the burdens of life it is necessary to have someone to listen to and sympathize with him. Your husband is no exception. Hemay feel alone and in need of finding refuge and comfort amidst these pressures. It is natural that the man looks towards his wife and family as a source of comfort and relief. Therefore, anticipate his expectations and needs. Be cordial and warm when he first returns home after working and have refreshments or let him feel that you are at his disposal to care for his needs. Try not to overwhelm him with criticizing him the minute you see him. Let him rest and recover his strength before putting up the demands of the family’s personal issues.

When your husband comes home, try to have a smile and a warm greeting for him. Attend to his physical needs of fatigue, hunger, and thirst. Then ask him about his problems. If he is not willing to talk, be a good listener and sympathize with him. Try to express your genuine concern and then help him realize that the problems are not as impossible and huge as he had thought. Give him encouragements of support to help him cope with the issues. You can say something like this: These problems are being faced by many people. With a strong will-power and patience, it is possible to overcome the difficulties as long as one does not let the problems get the better of you. These problems, as a matter of fact, are testsas well as builders of the true character of a person. Do not despair. You can solve them through determination and perseverance.

If you have some ideas on handling the problems, share them with your husband. If not, maybe you can suggest a good friend who is more qualified.

Dear lady! at times of difficulty, your husband is in need of your attention and love. You should come to his aid and nurse him like a sympathetic psychiatrist and wife. What a psychiatrist could give the amount of care that you would give? Do not underestimate your ability to soothe and strengthen him. There is no one more devoted and concerned over your husband’s well-being other than yourself. He would be able to draw strength from your devotions to him and cope with his problems which will relieve his emotional and mental pressures. Consequently, the mutual bond of respect and love would also be greater which can only lead towards strengthening your marital relatioship.
"In a Tradition, Im?m Sadiq (AS) stated: 'There is nothing better in the world than a good wife. And a good wife is the one whose husband, becomes glad upon seeing her’."

"In a Tradition,Im?m Rid? (AS) stated: 'There are a group of women who raise many children. They are kind and sympathetic. They support their husbands in times of difficulty and in the affairs of this world and the next. These women do not commit any acts whichwould incur a loss upon their husbands nor multiply their difficulties’."

Be Appreciative

If a person is generous and charitable with the wealth that he has acquired from hardwork, the appreciation and notice given in response to such acts will warm that person’s inner feelings and give him a feeling of accomplishment. Acts of goodwill may then become second nature to the person whereby it becomes a habit to spend and share one’s wealth for those in need. However, if the acts of goodwill are taken for granted and unappreciated, the person may lose the desire and drive to do good. It would be natural for a person to conclude that it was a waste to give away his hard earned money when it was unappreciated.

Gratitude and appreciation are admirable characteristics in a person and it is the secret by which one may attract charitable acts.

Even Allah has mentioned that gratitude for His blessings are conditional on the continual perpetuation of his grace upon mankind:

"And when your Lord made it known: Jfyou are gratefulj would certainly give to you more, and if you are ungrateful, My chastisement is fully severe (14:7)."

Dear madam! your husband is also human. Like everyone else, he enjoys being appreciated. He is willing to support his family and regards it as a moral and lawful obligation. When he is thanked and appreciated for doing his duty, those duties no longer seem to be a burden.

Whenever he buys home appliances or something like clothes and shoes for you and the children, be happy and thank him. Show your gratitude for the trivial things he does such as buying groceries, taking the family on trips and gives you your allowance. By showing your appreciation, you will make your husband feel good and rewarded for the trouble he has taken. Be careful that you do not take his duties for granted and become indifferent towards his contributions to the family. He may become disheartened about the welfare of the family. He may prefer to spend his money elsewhere or on himself.

If a friend or relative presented you with a pair of stockings or a bunch of flowers, you would thank them repeatedly. So it is only natural and fair to show appreciation to your husband for his consideration and thoughtfulness. Do not think that you would be belittling yourself by demonstrating your appreciation. On the contrary, you would be loved and cared for more because you appreciate the efforts of your husband whereas snobbism and selfishness can only lead towards great misfortunes.

The following are some Traditions referring to the characteristics of gratitude:

"Imâm Sadiq (AS) stated: 'The best women among your women are those who show appreciation when their husbands bring home something and are not discontented if nothing is brought home.

"Im?m S?diq (AS) also stated: 'Any woman who says to her husband that she has not seen any good things from him then she has fallen in her credibility and has voided her acts of worship’."

"The Messenger (SA) of Allah stated: 'Whoever does not thank the people who help him is, in fact, not showing his gratitude to Allah for His Blessings’.

Do not Look for Shortcomings

Nobody is perfect. Some are too tall or too short, or too fat or too skinny, have a big nose or a small one, talk too much or are too silent, are bad-tempered or too easy-going, have a very dark complexion or a very fair complexion, or eat too much, or too less, and the list can continue. Most men and women have some of these shortcomings. It is the hope of every man and woman to find a spouse who is perfect but such hopes are unrealistic. It is unlikely to find a woman who regards her husband as perfect.

Those women who are in search of faults in their husbands will undoubtedly find them. They would find a trivial shortcoming and exaggerate it by dealing on the matter to the point that it becomes an unbearable impediment. This defect then replaces all the merits of the husband. They always compare their husbands with other men. They have established a so-called ideal man in their imaginations whose standards do not fit in their husbands. Therefore, they are always complaining about the shortcomings in their marriage. The women regard themselves as unfortunates and failures which gradually turn them into spiteful women.

What does such behaviour in a woman do to her husband? He may be a very patient person who can tolerate the rudeness but most likely he will become insulted and develop a grudge against her. This would likely lead towards mutual arguments and elaborations of the shortcomings in each other. They will both become contemptuous of each other and their life will turn into a series of rows and arguments. Thus, they will either live in misery together or go for a divorce. In either case, both will lose, especially when there is no guarantee that another marriage may prove otherwise.

It is a pity that some women are ignorant and obstinate in their ignorance. It is possible that they may shatter their family life over a trivial matter. The following are some illustrative cases of such women:

"A woman left her husband and went to her father’s house because her husband had bad breath. She was not prepared to go back home until he corrected his problem. On the basis of the husband’s complaint, the court reconciled the couple and the wife returned to him. When the couple went home, the wife could still smell his bad breath so she went into another room. The husband went crazy and killed her’."

"A female dentist divorced her husband because he was not on the same level as her; he had graduated three years after her’."

"A woman applied for a divorce because her husband used to sit on the floor and eat with his fingers, did not shave everyday and did not know how to socialize with others’."

Of course all women are not like this. There are those who are intelligent, realistic, and aware enough that they do not foolishly jeopardize their marriage and happiness by exaggerating the shortcomings of their husbands.

Dear madam! your husband is a human being like you. He is not perfect, but he may have many merits. If you are interested in your marriage and your family then do not set out to find his weaknesses. Do not regard his small defects as important. Do not compare him with an ideal man whom you have established in your mind. There may be some faults with your husband which are not present in others. But you should remember that other men may have other defects which are non-existent in yours. Be satisfied with his merits. You will consequently see that his merits outweigh his faults. Besides why should you expect a perfect husband when you are imperfect yourself. If you are proud enough to think you are perfect, then ask others.

"The Prophet (SA) of Allah stated: 'There is nothing worse for human beings than to seek the faults of others, while ignoring their own flaws’."

Why should you exaggerate a trivial fault? Why should you shatter your life for the sake of something unimportant?

Be wise? Stop being frivolous! Ignore the faults and do not mention them in front of or behind your husband. Try to create a warm atmosphere in your family and enjoy the blessings of Allah.

However, there may be flaws in your husband’s character which you may be able to correct. If so, then you can succeed only by behaving considerately and with patience. You must not criticize him or start a row, but approach him in a friendly manner.

Don’t Look at Anyone Other Than Your Husband

Dear lady! before your marriage you may have had other offers of matrimony. These offers may be from rich, educated, handsome men, etc whom you may have wished to marry. Such expectations were natural before your marriage. But now that you have chosen your partner and signed a sacred covenant with him to be together for the rest of your life, then forget the past altogether. You must put aside your past wishes and forget those past offers. Do not think of any men except your husband and find peace with him. If you do otherwise you will place yourself in a strained condition.

Now that you have agreed to live with your husband, why should you be constantly noticing other man? Why should you him with others? What do you achieve by looking at other men except putting yourself in a permanently miserable state and cause mental anguish for yourself?

"Im?m 'All (AS) stated: 'Whoever leaves his eyes at liberty, will always suffer through his nerves, and will be trapped in a permanent state of envy.

By looking at other men and comparing your husband with them, you will find a man who does not have your husband’s faults. You might then think that man is perfect, because you are not aware of the deficiencies of such a man. You regard your marriage as a failure and this thought might lead to disastrous ends.

"Mrs..., an 18-year old woman who had run away from home was arrested by the police last night. In the police station the woman said that, after three years of marriage, she gradually felt that she did not love her husband. She said: 'I used to compare my husband’s face with other men and I regretted my marriage with him’."

Dear madam! if you are interested in an everlasting marriage; if you do not want mental distress; and if you want to conduct a normal life, then stop being selfish and forget your vain hopes. Do not make compliments for other men. Do not think of any man other than your husband. Do not think to yourself:

''I wish I had married so and so;
"I wish my husband looked like ...;"
"I wish my husband’s job was ...;"
"I wish...," "I wish..." "I wish ..."

Why should you imprison yourself with these thoughts? Why should you upset the foundations of your marriage? If any of those wishes had come true, how would you know that you would have been more satisfied? Are you sure that the wives of those so-called "faultless" men are satisfied with them?

Dear madam! if your husband suspects that you show interest in other men, he would be disheartened and would lose interest in you. You must not cut jokes with other men or keep company with them. Men are so sensitive that they cannot even tolerate their wives to show an interest in a picture of another man.

'The Holy Prophet (SA) stated: eAny married woman who looks at other men, would be subject to the vehement wrath of Allah’."

Islamic Hijah

Men and women, although having many aspects in common, also possess unique characteristics. One such characteristic is that women are a delicate, beautiful, and likable beings. They are charming, attractive, and lovable; whereas men are charmed, attracted by and love women’s qualities.

When a man marries a woman, he wishes all his wife’s beauty and affection to be reserved for him. He wishes to be the only one who benefits from her charm, affection, coquettishness, beauty, sense of humour, etc and to strictly avoid men. Man is, by nature, very ardent and intolerant of another man either looking at his wife or having any kind of relationship with her. He would regard a close relationship between his wife and other men to be a violation of his lawful right. He expects his wife to observe Islamic H:jdb (statutory Islamic dress for women) and by adapting herself to Islamic behaviour and ethics she cooperates in maintaining his lawful rights. Any faithuful and fervent man would have such a wish. A woman’s social behaviour, which is based on Islamic ethics, would set her husband’s mind at rest; he would then work enthusiastically to provide for his family and his affection for his wife would increase. Such a man would not be attracted to other women. On the contrary, a man whose wife is not concerned with Islamic Hijdl, and displays her beauty to other men or socializes with them, would seriously become upset. He would regard his wife as responsible for trampling over his rights. Such a husband would always suffer from distress and pessimism and his love for his family may gradually fade away. It is therefore in the interest of society and women that they should be dressed modestly and behave humbly; they should appear in public without any make-up and should abstain from showing off their beauty to others.

Observing Hijdb is an Islamic duty. The Almighty Allah says in the Holy Quran:

"And say to the believing women that they should cast down their looks and guard their private parts, and not display their ornaments except what appears thereof and let them wear their head coverings and not display their ornaments except to their husbands or their fathers. or the father of their husbands, their sons. or the sons of their husbands or their brothers or their brother’s Sons or their sisters’ sons, or their women, or those whom their right hands possess. or male servants not having need (of women), or the children who have not attained knowledge of what is hidden of women; and let them not strike their feet so that what they hide of their ornaments ma)’ be known; and turn to Allah all of you. so that you may be successful (24:31)."

Islamic Htjdb and its observance in society is beneticial to women in many aspects:

(1) They can protect both their social worth and inner values much better, and guard themselves against just being an object on display.

(2) They .can prove both their faith and loVe for their husbands more effeztivelv and thus help create and maintain a warm family atmosphere while preventing ill-feelings and family rows. In short. they can win their husband’s hcartsand establish themselves in their families.

(3) By observing Islamic HijJb, unlawful flirtation looks by such people as oglers would cease and help in lessening the amount of rows, strengthening the family roots, and as a result create an atmosphere of tranquility within its circle.

(4) Islamic Hijdb of women would also help prevent young unmarried men, from deviating from the right path. Thus forestalling harm to the young men, which would also benefit the women of the society.

(5) If all women observed the regualtion of Islamic Hij?b, then all women could rest assured that their husbands, when not at home would not encounter a lewd woman who might draw his attention away from the family. Islam is aware of woman’s specific nature of creation and regards her as a very important base of society with responsibilities towards it. It demands her to make sacrifices to carry out her responsibility by observing Islamic Haj?b, which in turn would forestall social corruption and deviation and go a long way in creating stability, security and glorifying her nation. But definitely the greatest reward is with the Almighty Al!ah for performing her divine duty.

Dear lady! if you are interested in the stability and peace of your family and your husband’s continual trust in you; if you are concerned about the social rights of women; if you are interested in the youth’s mental health and are worried about their deviation from moral values, if you want to take positive steps towards bringing to a halt the seduction of women by corrupt men; and if you are seeking Allah’s satisfaction by being a faithful and sacrificing Muslim; then you should observe Islamic Hydb. You should not display your beauty and adornments to strangers, be it in the house with your close relations or at other social gatherings outside your own home. You must cover yourself before your brothers-in-law and their sons, sister-in-law’s husbands, aunts’ husbands, and cousins. Being not dressed as per Islamic Hijdb before these people is a sin and may also cause great distress to your husband, even though he may never mention it.

A woman is not restricted to covering herself to the same extent before her father-in-law, her own brother, and her nephews, although it is better to observe a certain degree of Islamic H,j?b before these people too. In other words women should not appear before these relatives of hers in the same way as she would make herself attractive for her husband. This is because most men dislike their wives to appear attractive by wearing attractive clothes and make up before other men; and of course it should not be forgotten that the tranquility of mind and the trust of a man in his wife is crucial to the survival and security of the whole family.

Forgive Your Husband’s Mistakes

Everyone, except those that Allah has declared as "Infallible" makes mistakes. When two people, who love together, and cwith each other, make mistakes, they must be forgiving. If they do not forgive each other, then their marriage will come to an end. Two business partners, two neighbours, two colleagues, two friends, and specifically, a husband and a wife need to be able to forgive each other. If the members of a family are unforgiving and pursue each other’s mistakes, then either the family will separate or they will experience an unbearable life.

Dear madam! your husband probably makes mistakes. He may insult you, abuse you, tell lies, he might even hit you. Such acts might be committed by any man. If your husband, after making a mistake, regrets it or you feel he is regretful himself for his misconduct, then forgive him and do not pursue the matter. If he is regretful but not prepared to express his apologies, then do not try to prove his mistake. Otherwise, he might feel humiliated and he may retaliate by picking out your mistakes and consequently start a major row. So it is better for you to remain silent until he condemns himself from his conscience and starts to feel remorse about it. He would then regard you as wise and devoted wife who is interested in her husband and family.

"The Prophet (SA) of Allah stated: 'A bad woman does not forgive her husband’s mistake and does not accept his apology’."

Is it not pitiful that a sacred marital covenant should be broken because a woman is not prepared to forgive some mistakes of her husband?

Coping with Your Husband’s Relatives

One of the problems of family life is the one cause between the wife and her husband’s relatives. Some women do not have a good relationship with their husband’s mother, sisters, or brothers. On the one hand the wife may try to dominate her husband so that he would bot be able to pay any attention even to his mother, or any other relatives and she may try to sow discord between them. On the other hand, her mother-in-law regards herself as the owner of her son and daughter-in-law. The mother tries hard to hold on to her son and is watchful that the new woman does not try to possess him fully. She may fabricate lies about her daughter-in-law or find fault in her. Such an attitude might be followed by many arguments and even occasional hostilities. The situation becomes even worse if they all live in the same house. Even though a row may occur between two women, the real anguish and distress remains with the man in the middle.

The husband is trapped in an argument where he cannot take sides. On the one hand is his wife who would like to have an independent life without any interference from outsiders. He naturally feels that he must support her and make her happy. But on the other hand, he thinks of his parents who have helped him with his life. education, and have spent their own lives in bringing him up. He feels that his parents expect him to help them in their times of need and that it would not be fair to abandon them. Besides, if he himself was in need of something, who else, other than his parents, would help him and his family. As a result, he realizes that his best and most trustworthy friends are his parents and relatives. So, the dilemma for a sensible man is either to choose the wife and abandon the parents or vice versa; but neither of these is possible.

Consequently, he has to cope with both sides and keep them satisfied which, itself, is a difficult task. The only possible way to ease the situation is that the woman should be loyal and wise. A man in this situation expects his wife to help solve the problem. If the wife respects her mother-in-law, seeks advice from her, and becomes obedient and friendly with her, then the mother-in-law will be her greatest supporter.

Is it not sad that one who can attract many people through kindness and good manners, should repulse them through stubbornness and selfishness? Do you not realize that in the ups and downs of life, one might need the help of others, and especially of relatives who would support you when everyone else deserts you? Is it not better to enjoy a good relationship with one’s relatives through consideration and good behaviour? Is it really wise and fair to become friends with strangers while breaking away from your own relations?

Experience shows that when one needs the help of others, friends leave but the abandoned relatives come to help. This is because the family ties are natural and cannot be broken easily. There is a general proverb which says: "Even if one’s flesh is eaten by relations, they would not throw away the bones!"

"Im?m 'Ali (AS) stated: 'One is never able to do without his relatives, even though he may possess wealth and children’."

One would need the respect and kindness of one’s relatives. It is they who would support one physically and mentally. Relatives always come to the rescue. In times of need they could come to one’s assistance faster than others. Whoever disowns his relatives will lose many helping hands.

Dear madam! for the sake of your husband and for the sake of your own comfort as well as to find many good friends and supporterS, put up with your husband’s relatives. Do not be selfish and ignorant; be wise and do not cause your husband any distress. Be a good and devoted wife in order to be accepted by both Allah and the people.