Married Life

I've gathered some tips to help you keep things on track as you step into the “real world” of married life. Some are serious, some light-hearted, but all can help you remember exactly why you got married in the first place and what it is you love so much about your mate.

1. Money is one of the most frequent causes of marital friction. If you haven’t talked about it before the wedding, talk about it now. The sooner you establish a spending plan and agree on it, the more arguments you’ll avoid down the line.

2. Don’t assume all things have to be 50/50%. If you prefer balancing the checkbook and paying bills, but your spouse hates this and would rather be in charge of cleaning and scheduling appointments, that’s fine! It’s what works for you that is important.

3. Always be willing to say, “I’m sorry,” mean it. Whether it’s something small like not putting the cap on the toothpaste or something larger, the apology is more important than the incident and will be remembered far longer.

4. Never make life decisions unilaterally. Even if the new car will be used by you, your spouse’s input should be listened to and considered. Set a limit (say, $100 / £50 or $500 / £250) and agree that neither of you will spend over that amount without consulting the other.

5. Allow yourself a sense of wonder in the little things and share them. Do you see a beautiful sunset while doing the dishes? Point it out to your spouse and share that brief moment of beauty.

6. Make conscious sacrifices. Let your “better half” choose the movie, the television channel or the restaurant rather than always wanting to do it. Enjoy his or her pleasure.

7. Say “thank you” for little things as well as big things sometimes. He’ll appreciate hearing thanks for taking out the trash and she’ll love a “thank you” for dinner occasionally. We often feel the most “taken for granted” for doing the daily or weekly things.

8. Praise your mate’s good qualities or something he or she has done for you to others – but within earshot. There’s no boost to a man’s self-esteem like hearing his loved one tell her mother/sister/best friend what a great job he did painting the kitchen.

9. Don’t abandon your mate in unknown situations. At your office party/family reunion, stay close and introduce him/her with some complimentary information to bolster her self-confidence. (This is my wife, Nancy. She’s been doing a great job recently working on the school play as a fundraiser.) Devise a “signal” so that when you do part, she can let you know if she needs rescuing.

10. Surprises are good. It can be as small as a note in your spouse’s briefcase, an unexpected flower or making his favorite dessert.

11. Maintain your sense of humor!! If you can laugh when things get tough, you’ll be able to get through almost any crisis – remember to look for the absurd in any situation.

12. Never discuss important decisions when you’re angry. If the disagreement has reached the point of shouting or angry words, agree to table the discussion until you’ve both cooled off. Set a time and date to reopen the topic.

13. Pick your battles! If it isn’t all that important to you in the long run but your spouse sees it as a big issue – concede. By letting your spouse win on some issues that are dear to his or her heart, you are validating their feelings and letting them know they are more important than winning a fight. Don’t win the battle only to lose the war.

14. Keep things in perspective. Will this issue matter a week from now? If not, it’s probably not worth an argument or disagreement. If it’s only an annoyance, consider letting it slide – after all, you’re annoying sometimes, too!

15. Celebrate little occasions. Most couples will go out for dinner and celebrate a promotion or anniversary, but those can be few. Instead, make a pledge to celebrate events like finishing a project on time at work or the day you finish your last “thank you” note. By making small moments special, you’ll make the days an adventure.

16. Find one activity you both enjoy, whether it’s going to baseball games, golfing or watching classic movies, and make it a point to do it regularly together. A shared activity can give rise to many special moments and creates a common bond for conversation and something to look forward to together.

17. Never, ever bring up past mistakes in an argument. It only escalates the emotional warfare and distracts both people from the topic at hand.

18. Marriage is a bond, but you should be on loose tethers – don’t hold on so tight that the other person feels smothered. If your spouse wants to go out and do some things without you, it’s not a reflection of the state of your relationship – he or she is simply being an independent individual.

19. Be willing and able to reassure your partner and be thoughtful of their concerns and worries. If you’re going to be late, call and let them know so that they won’t fret. When out with friends, although you shouldn’t have to, give a quick “just checking in,” call. It costs you nothing and will show you are considerate and thinking of them.

20. Don’t spoil your partner’s fun just because you can’t join in. A survey found that, especially at the holidays, married couples argued frequently over invitations to events. Just because you don’t want to attend an annual ceremony that he loves, don’t expect him to stay home with you and forego the function.