Question 53
I am a young woman from a religious family and all my interests are religious, thanks be to Allah! I have a friend in school who often sits with me, but she is not religious. All the time, she is interested in news of singers, athletes, issues of teenagers, molestations, and exchanging letters with young men, though she is still too young. She is sixteen years old. Would you please warn the youth, fathers, and mothers with the necessary Islamic advices? Many thanks for your interest in guiding us to what will make us happy in this life and the afterlife.
The answer: Thank you very much O daughter of faith and abstinence! Your feelings to save your friend and your care for your religion show your true upbringing. I hope that you continue on this path until you arrive at the eternal bliss.
The problem you have mentioned is a fact from the bitter reality that fathers and mothers try to ignore, thinking that they can cover the behaviors of those teenage girls. I think that
indifference towards such girls encourages them to continue in corruption and covering up this concern is stupidity because such girls are exposed before others and scandal moves from mouth to mouth.
Let me say frankly that the problem firstly belongs to fathers and mothers, for they, in bringing up their children away from religion and love, have thrown the children into the way of corruption, and then when the tragedy takes place, they hurry to look for solutions but they will not find any even if they shed tears of sorrow and regret.
If only those fathers and mothers, who have turned their backs on religion and slept on the pillow of irresponsibility and have failed to satisfy their children with love and sympathy, would read the sayings of even Western scholars.
Dr. Raymond Page says, 'The first picture a child draws in his mind about Allah comes out of his relation with his parents. Also, the first concept that comes to his mind about obedience, forgiveness, and straightforwardness is connected strongly with the behavior of his family...parents may not have a suitable opportunity to educate their child and develop his thinking, so they have to introduce Allah to their children in the best way with strong determination, will, and watchfulness. In this concern, they can depend on two good sources: religion and nature.' 1
Dear daughter, as for your situation towards your deviant friend:
First, deal with her as if she is sick, and she really is sick but she does not know. A sick one needs care, and you, with your faith, morals, and patience, can offer her religious advice and talk to her with the language of nature and conscience. You should tell her that the purpose of her existence is to arrive at the pleasures of Paradise. Islam does not prohibit the pleasures of this life provided that they are obtained lawfully.
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1 The secret of Success in your Personality, p.243.
Second, if she can get married, you can arrange the procedures of this by consulting with other religious women who understand such matters.
Third, when advising and warning her, depend on the frightening aspects of Islamic teachings - I mean what concerns death: the pressing of grave, its loneliness, and darkness for those who disobey Allah. It is mentioned in traditions that "he, who fears Fire, avoids unlawful things". Tell her that Allah the Almighty will stand man in the difficulties and horrors of the Day of Resurrection to punish him for all his doings. Allah says in the Qur'an, (Surely, the hearing, the sight, and the heart, all of these, shall be questioned about that). 1
There are many stories that affect one's conscience that you can use to guide her to the right path and surely you will be rewarded by Allah.
Stories of accidents in our present time show that most of those who die are unsuspecting youths. Death is a sudden visitor and defeating comer. Isn't it?
Finally, if she does not listen to you and you find that she may influence you or do wrong to your good reputation, you have to cut your relation with her bravely and without any kind of courtesy for "a strong believer is better than a weak believer," as the Prophet (s) has said.
Question 54
I am a twenty year-old girl. I live on my nerves to a degree that I have no confidence in my abilities to lead a happy life. Our house is like a wrestling ring full of crying and shouting amongst my sisters and brothers. We do not agree with each other on most things. We stand against each other in every situation and always frown at each other. None of us respects the other. All of us know that this is bad morale, but we do not know how and why we have been so! What is the way to change our state? Please, do you have a solution to our
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1 Qur'an, 17:36.
complicated problem?
The answer: Disagreement between people is somewhat natural because each of them thinks independently and consciously. However, if this independence does not submit to moral teachings, it gets to what you now see in your house, which is similar to a jungle or a zoo. It is too natural that this state makes you live on your nerves and causes failure to all, you being one of them.
The reason often is because of:
1. The lack of a religious atmosphere in the house, such as recitation of the Qur'an, supplications, religious meetings, and reading Islamic and historical books
2. Carelessness of parents to plant love and spirit of cooperation in their children
3. The feeling of children that there is no justice or fairness in dealing with them (by parents)
4. Excessive interference in their affairs which makes them accustomed to laziness and dependence, whereas children should be taught to be self-confident to solve their problems and to achieve their needs
5. Wishing and looking forward to what is not possible except by hard toils
6. Narrowness of the house and the lack of requirements that are common between the members of the family
The way to deliverance is in the following steps:
1. A strained person should relax.
2. He should be away from the place of disagreement or quarrel when it is beginning.
3. He should associate with good neighbors, make friends with good persons, and visit them from time to time.
4. He should go for lawful amusement and spend some time in watching beautiful scenes of nature.
5. He should mention Allah, recite the Qur'an and
supplications, and read good books.
6. He should read some comic books when feeling tired or exhausted, because how often it is that a quarrel melts away because of a joke or a laugh.
Here, I mention a situation that once happened in front of me in the home of one of my relatives. We were in the sitting room and the remote control of the TV was in my hand. Whenever a sound of singing or music appeared, I changed the channel or I muted the sound. At that time, one of the boys asked me about the view of Islam about music and I replied to him that it was unlawful. He argued with me and I explained to him the many harms of listening to music. He argued with me again. His father became angry at him. Then, before his father could increase his insults towards him, I directed the remote control towards the father's mouth as a way of turning the sound down!
I made him laugh and then they all laughed with him. It was a moment of delight and joy instead of being a moment of quarrel and disagreement. After that, I explained in greater detail about music and its harms.
Question 55
Would you please tell me how to save myself from worry, distraction, absent-mindedness, and forgetfulness? I will be grateful to you.
The answer: Here are twenty points; if you follow them, I myself will be grateful to you:
1. Wake up early enough to give yourself sufficient time to go about your appointments or tasks without hurrying!
2. Have a good breakfast and do not eat in a rush!
3. Do not put off the work of today until tomorrow, for every day has its work!
4. Make friends with those who do not live in psychological troubles!
5. Assign a time everyday to, while in solitude, ponder over moral matters and worships and think deeply
about The answer:to these questions: Where have I come from? What am I now? Where shall I go after death?
6. Everyday, practice some physical exercises even if it is for just half an hour!
7. Thank Allah for the blessings you have and do not exaggerate your problems!
8. Write down what you want to do everyday!
9. Before talking, think deeply about the consequences of your talks!
10. Give your body some relaxation and rest and practice swimming!
11. Breathe as deeply as possible!
12. Do not worry about what you cannot get!
13. Live your life truly and think of your state and your surroundings!
14. Laugh little, and when you cry, cry much! Let your laughter and cries be for the delight of your heart and the comfort of your nerves.
15. Do not eat more than your needs!
16. Do not promise anyone that which you cannot fulfill, and when you make promises, say "Inshallah"!
17. Do not feel shy to say: "I am sorry, I cannot...I do not know" when you really cannot or do not know!
18. Be a good listener most of the time, and when you talk, talk as little as necessary to convey the concept you want to declare! Try to make your speech eloquent and nice!
19. Read and look for political, scientific, and cultural news as much as you possibly can!
20. Think of Paradise and its pleasures and bliss and imagine that you will stay in it forever, but always
remember that you pay its price (in cash) at the present!
Question 56
My father is always angry with us at home, but he is very good with others elsewhere. How do you explain this duality?
The answer: This feature stems from his dissatisfaction with himself and his marital life. This means that he had hoped for something in his life but he was disappointed, whether with himself or with his family. This matter causes a great pressure on his heart, mentality, and nerves. Whenever he remembers his ambition, his nerves become tense and he becomes upset, and because he is so, he becomes angry at anything even if it is trivial. Therefore, he pours his anger on the ones closest to him because he knows that they will not leave him, whereas others would turn away from him if he were angry with them. He pours his anger on those in the house lest he lose his friends outside the house.
Man, in his nature, likes good morals; therefore, by his good manners with others, he tries to cover his failure, which continues to sting him. Anyway, whatever the reason is, I recommend you to be patient with him, bear his behavior, and treat him with respect because he is psychologically sick and a sick one needs a lot of care. If it is possible, you should try to help him in achieving his ambition, if it is lawful, and then he will become calm and you will all be at ease.
Question 57
For quite some time, my mother has become a sharp criticizer. She cannot bear to see a bit of wrong in anyone. In this state, she has become a point of tittle-tattle and the source of family disagreements. My friends do not visit me because of her. We do not dare to speak up frankly against her, especially since she became angry with my sister who tried to do that once. We do not know how to deal with her. She is correct in her criticism of others, but we do not want to become involved in troubles because most people
nowadays do not accept criticism, much less that of my mother's which is without courtesy and is sharp and stinging. We hope to benefit from your opinion in this concern.
The answer: Old people often suffer from weak nerves; therefore, they cannot bear things that annoy them. If they are religious, sins and disobediences make them angry; if they are not, things that are contrary to their thinking and desires make them angry; if they are sick, loud sounds and noises make them angry ... and so on.
As for your mother, one of these reasons leads her to such criticism that causes troubles. As a cure, I suggest:
1. You have to keep her away from what may excite her nerves, and thus, nothing that leads her to criticism will take place before her.
2. You can tell the persons that meet her often to not do anything that will excite her criticism and nerves.
3. You have to excuse her and think of her as if she were psychologically sick and realize that she needs your care, tolerance, and patience.
4. Let most of her food be that which is cold in its nature, such as yogurt, fruits, vegetables, and the like.
5. You have to look for some person who will have influence over her through friendship and wisdom, for however much a man is fanatic, he may change and become more moderate due to a friendship.
6. You have to take her to meetings where preaching takes place. You can agree with the preacher to talk about what may reform her thinking. The preacher may discuss three main points:
First, making mistakes is natural in man's life. Man is neither an angel nor a beast; he is some of this and some of that. The Prophets, who were sent to reform people, were ordered to be kind to them.
Incidentally, it is mentioned that one day the screens were
removed from the sight of one of the Prophet's for sometime. Whenever he saw unlawful acts inside people's homes, he damned them and prayed to Allah to afflict them with torment. Allah revealed to him, 'I am more aware of them than you are and I am worthier of damning and torturing them than you are, but My mercy has preceded my wrath. I have sent you to them in order to invite them to My mercy and not to invoke My wrath against them'.
Talking about the Divine Mercy may cure cases of extremism and censure in people like your mother, as talking about the Divine Torment may cure cases of excess in committing sins.
Second, enjoining the right and forbidding the wrong should be in a kind and acceptable way; otherwise it itself becomes wrong.
A good preacher is he who explains to people like your mother that criticism must be offered in a frame of courtesy, smile, wisdom and attractiveness; otherwise its purpose is not realized, and then the problem becomes complicated and this is a mistake worse than the first mistake.
Third, the conducts of the Prophet (s) and the infallible Imams (s) in dealing with wrongdoers should be mentioned to her. Allah has said, (Call to the way of your Lord with wisdom and goodly exhortation, and reason with them in the hest manner). 1
Regarding these points, I want to say that advising, enjoining the right, and forbidding the wrong are required because they are religious obligations, moral necessities, social needs, and civil behaviors. However, wisdom, good manners, and the skill of argumentation are required in this concern. He, who does not possess these three means, would be better off in keeping silent because he may complicate the situation and spoil the purpose of criticism. Islam does not want an archer without a bow or a scholar without knowledge.
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1 Qur'an, 16:125.
Question 58
As you know, melancholy is the disease of this age. Psychological clinics are full of sick persons whom melancholy has thrown out of the circle of life.
I have a melancholy, introvert father. He is forty years old but he seems to be seventy years old. This matter has troubled our family life. I am fifteen years old but I do not know the reasons that have made my father so. Does Islam have solutions that can be depended on to save such sick people? Would you please answer in details, because there are many people like me who wait for this answer ?
The answer: Islam has solutions for everything. It has declared the cure of melancholy and its like and emphasized, before that, on prevention. Here, I summarize The answer:in five points:
First, the traditions of the Prophet (s) and the infallible Imams (s) have referred to "melancholy" as "grief" and "distress". They have warned the Muslims of it by saying, 'He, whose grief increases, his body becomes sick', 'Grief is half of senility', and 'Grief is the disease of mentality'.
Boredom, distemper, lack of appetite for food, physical and psychological weaknesses, insomnia, instability, absentmindedness, pessimism, fatigue, feeling of guilt, inactivity, not feeling joy in the beautiful scenes of nature or other material pleasures, neglecting one's health, and paying no attention to life, which are qualities found in melancholy people, have been mentioned in the traditions with certain expressions.
Second, there is a close relationship between melancholy and the culture of the individual and that of the society. Some religious and social cultures lead to melancholy through their tragic literary works, sad music, and crying as it is widespread in the Eastern countries. As for the Western societies, the culture of disengagement from family connections leads one towards melancholy when he finds himself alone with no one to participate with him in his joys and sorrows. Therefore, we find
that suicide rates are on an increase in the Western countries, which do not care for family connections, while in Japan, where family relations and connections are strong, the ratio of suicide is very low, whereas religious and rural societies are the least afflicted with melancholy and acts of suicide.
As for religious societies, it is so because religion prohibits suicide and considers it as a crime of murder, whose recompense is being in Hell forever. Moreover, religion satisfies man's sentiments and his spiritual needs, which give him a power to adapt himself to changes and stimulates in him positive motives that resist melancholy.
Third, the reasons for melancholy must be understood. These reasons are not the same for all people. Each one is different from the other. For example, the reason for melancholy of someone may be the lack of love and sympathy and for another may be the accumulation of psychological pains, remorse after committing a sin, disappointment, the death of a lover, emigration and being away from one's family and relatives, a great financial loss, or poverty and neediness.
Fourth, what is the successful cure for this disease?
Modern psychological clinics have depended, in curing this disease, on the tranquilizing tablets of Valume or other gladdening drugs, while some other clinics prefer electrical shocks. All these cures are rejected by the Islamic clinic, which depends on prevention initially and then on cure. 1
For curing this disease, Islam prescribes the following:
1. Take a bath with cool water, and especially pour it over the head; Imam Ali (s) says, 'Whoever has grief that he is unable to identify, let him wash his head.' 2
2. Wash the clothes and remove bad smells, which means cleanliness in general; Imam Ali (s) says, 'Washing one's
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1 Quoted from (Islam and psychological health) by Ahinad al-Qabbantchi.
2 Bihar al-Anwar, vol.76 p.84.
clothes takes away grief and sorrow.' 1
3. Mention Allah a lot, especially by saying "there is no power save in Allah"; the Prophet (s) says, 'saying "there is no power save in Allah" has a cure for ninety-nine illnesses, the least of which is grief.' 2 Imam as-Sadiq (s) says, 'If griefs increases, you should mention "there is no power save in Allah."' 3
4. Eat grapes, as mentioned in the traditions of the Prophet (s) and the infallible imams (s). 4
Fifth, protection is the most important way to prevent melancholy and introversion. Islam has established constructive teachings to prevent any negative state that may destroy man's comfort and happiness. Islam first establishes belief inside man and then strengthens that faith inside him to reach a degree where he becomes certain of the wisdom of Allah and becomes satisfied with the fate Allah has determined.
The Prophet (s) says, 'Allah, with His wisdom and favor, has made comfort and joy in certainty and satisfaction, and made grief and sorrow in suspicion and dissatisfaction.' 5
A real believer sees the causes of melancholy trivial especially when he recites this Qur'anic verse, (it may be that you dislike a thing while Allah has placed abundant good in it). 6
A real believer does not envy others because he knows that "envy eats faith as fire eats firewood". Imam Ali (s) says, 'I have not seen an unjust one who is more similar to the wronged than one who envies: continuous panting, upset heart, and endless sorrow.' 7 A real believer dose not look for the material pleasures of this life because he has read the Islamic concept
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1 Ibid.,
2 Ibid., vol.74 p.88.
3 Ibid., vol.76 p.323.
4 Bihar al-Anwar, vol. 67 p.323.
5 Ibid., vol.77 p.61.
6 Qur'an, 4:19.
7 Binar al-Anwar, vol.73 p.256.
about this worldly life as "it deceives, destroys, and passes Away. 1
A real believer has to submit to the saying of Imam as-Sadiq (s), 'Loving the worldly life causes grief and sorrow, and abstaining from it causes comfort of the heart and the body.' 2
A real believer does not pant after the lust that is in the back of his mind and refrains from pondering over it because he has read the warning of the Prophet (s), 'A lust of a moment may bring a long sorrow'. 3
Hence, a real believer protects himself lest he fall into melancholy. This is the vigilance of faith that leads to protection and safety from melancholy and its like.
Dear brother, you have to read this answer to your father and tell him:
1. Believe in Allah and work with the hope of arriving at the bliss of Paradise because this makes man patient with the difficulties of life!
2. Be active and do not be lazy!
3. Not committing a mistake is not a reason for great pride; rather, great pride lies in getting out of the mistake.
4. Dear father, stand on your feet to light your way and the way of others because an inverted candle does not light!
5. Have you pondered on flowers and smelt their fragrances? If there are no flowers in life, the scenes of beauty will be incomplete!
6. Happiness is a gift from Allah. Why do you not raise your hands towards the Heaven to receive this gift?
Finally, tell him frankly that worry, upset, fear and melancholy take him away from Allah; therefore, he has to do remembrance
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1 From a short letter by Imam All (s) to Mo'awiya.
2 Bihar al-Anwar, vol. 78 p.240.
3 Bihar al-Anwar, vol.77 p.82.
of Allah and be close to Him to be free from all those psychological diseases! Tell him: Come on! Forget the past and change your state and our state for the best by the assistance of Allah!
