In Islam, early marriage is preferred, but life nowadays does not assure the opportunity of early marriage. The marital life does not begin except after finishing university study, getting a job, and ten saving enough money. This means that one becomes more than thirty years old. And this also means that the youth suffer from sexual lust and the wish to satisfy this lust for more than fifteen years. Some of the young practice this lust during these years and ten get married after practical experiments, and others remain patient while the effects of suppression and deprivation appear on them. I do not know how to accord the opinion of Islam, which is the right opinion without any doubt, with the reality and its requirements and obstacles!
The answer: Dear brother or dear sister, your question shows
the depth of the plot that the imperialists have planned against our Islamic community through imposing a system of living that is quite far from our religion and culture.
Our religion has become deserted and the culture of corrupters has controlled the behaviors of most Muslims. The Prophet (s) has said, '0 people, Gabriel has revealed to me from the Kind, the Wise that virgins are like fruits on trees. If the fruits ripen but are not picked, they will be damaged by the sun and become scattered by the wind. So are virgins. If they become adults, there will be no treatment for them except to get married; otherwise, they will not be safe from corruption because they are human' 1. Then, are the youth safe from the waves of corruption?
In spite of that, it is possible to achieve early marriage to avoid slipping into corruption. This is done after the satisfaction of both sides, the young man and the young woman, away from competing over unnecessary things and ceremonies that are full of excess and pride.
The Prophet (s) has said, 'Whenever a young man gets married at early age, the Satan vociferates, 'Woe unto him! Woe unto him! He has preserved two thirds of his religion from me!' Let one fear Allah in the remaining third!' 2
Responsibility lies with the clergy, writers, teachers, and instructors to guide society (fathers and mothers) to the Islamic values in facilitating and hastening marriage after explaining the principles of life and the marital responsibilities to the youth.
The matter should be explained with all its dangerous dimensions, especially the destructive effects on individuals, health, family, society, and religion when young men and young women are prevented from early marriage. What is known by all about the secret corruption of most teenagers of nowadays is just a small part of those destructive effects.
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1 Rawdhat al-Muttaqeen, vol.8
2 Bihar al-Anwar, vol.103 p.221.
Let all efforts be directed towards opening a lawful way in order to prevent secret, unlawful relations. Islam has shown the lawful way by facilitating marriage and making young spouses understand their joint responsibilities. If we suppose that permanent marriage is not possible and the choice remains between unlawful relations behind curtains, or suppressing the sexual lust and causing physical and psychological diseases, or secret relations authorized by an agreement of temporary marriage, definitely the last choice is preferred. With this kind of relation, the two young spouses can continue their individual lives until they graduate, get jobs, and prepare themselves for the requirements of permanent marriage. However, if someone can clear his way with fasting and worshipping without practicing temporary marriage, it will be better.
I hope that we all can understand these Islamic solutions and dare with them to get out of our crises and change the ways of the Western life, which are foreign to Muslims.
Question 47
I have a handsome friend who is twenty-two years old. He has had love relations with more than thirty girls since he became an adult, as he claims. Of course, they do not know that. He exchanges love affairs with each of them and promises to marry them in the future. He might even practice something unlawful with them; I am not sure, but I would not put that past him. He tells me that he, via the telephone, makes friends with them, deceives them, and then laughs at their naiveties. When he satisfies his desires, he fabricates an excuse to move on to his new quarry! He describes girls as an amusement and they are like toys in his hand.
I have advised him to give up these prohibited acts, but he often invites me to join his deceitful table saying: we have to enjoy our lives!!
Sometimes, he lifts the telephone and lets me hear the voice of a girl who has been deceived by his words of love. When I see this, I become so angry at the naivety of our girls. I myself know some of them who are from noble and honorable families, but I fear that
troubles may happen if I tell their families about this.
O Sheikh, please tell me how to deal with this friend so that Allah may be pleased with me and that my conscience may be at ease, and also tell how to protect the honor of our girls from such beastly human beings!
The answer: Dear faithful brother, may Allah bless your protectiveness! As for your friend, though he really is not a friend, you should ask him: how would you like to see a young man do with your sisters or nieces the same thing that you do with the daughters of other people? In the future, when you get married and have daughters, and when your daughters grow up and become teenagers, how would you feel if you saw a young man doing with your daughters as you do with the girls of your society today?
Continue guiding him with the aid of clergymen and religious people, and do not let him play with the honors of people and Muslim girls! Be certain that the girls will thank you, even later on, and thank whoever tries to protect their reputations.
As for those girls whom you know, send them unsigned letters in which you advise them due to religion and protectiveness. Tell them that they are being deceived by one who deceives other girls at the same time.
I have a word to say to the oblivious fathers and mothers of these girls: awake from torpor and loss! Where are your conscience and jealousy? Where are your honor and magnanimity? Where are your dignity and morality? Why have you sunk into the pleasures of this world to the degree of vice and scandal? Do you not see death, the grave, and torment? Are there no graveyards in your town to visit and from which to take lessons from the people in the graves and ponder on their states under the ground?
Alas for the loss of good morals!
O our Lord, we seek Your protection from misleading fancies and from following the mirage of the Satan. 0 Allah, awake us from the torpor of ignorance and take us peacefully to the
eternal abode near You!
Question 48
I want to get married, but I want you to advise me. How should I move to a life that I have not known before?
The answer: Dear young man, marriage is a great and important decision in one's life. When a reasonable man decides to take such an important decision, he has to think deeply and wisely.
Dear brother, first, you have to prepare for all the requirements of marriage, and then do not act, when choosing the partner of your life, as if you are buying something from a store. This is also said to a young woman when choosing the partner of her life. You have to be very precise in choosing the qualities of your future wife in order to be happy and successful and to win the good end.
It is mentioned that one day a young man, whose name was Ibrahim al-Karkhi, asked Imam as-Sadiq (s) a question like yours. Imam as-Sadiq (s) said to him, 'See where you will put yourself, who you will make a partner in your wealth, and to whom you will reveal your religion and secrets ...' 1
In another tradition, Imam as-Sadiq (s) has said, 'Woman is like a necklace. See what necklace you put on!' 2
Then, advance to take the other steps and beware of aiming at just beauty or wealth, because these two things may disappear by accidents, which will not tell you before they take place. If you do not concentrate your choice on faith and morals, you will face a dark fate.
Do not misunderstand me and think that Islam does not pay attention to beauty and wealth, but Islam warns of making them the priority when choosing one's wife (or husband). The Prophet (s) has said, 'From the happiness of a Muslim man
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1 Wassa'il ash-Shia, vol.14 p.14, Bihar al-Anwar, vol.103 p.232.
2 Bihar al-Anwar, vol.103 p.232.
is ... a beautiful woman who is religious.' 1 He has also said, 'A Muslim man does not profit from anything, after Islam, better than a Muslim woman, who pleases him when he looks at her, obeys him when he orders her, and is devoted to him in keeping her honor and his wealth when he is absent.' 2
Outward beauty may give pleasure, but religious and moral beauty gives more pleasure. Therefore, it is mentioned that one day a man asked Imam Hasan (s), 'To whom should I marry my daughter?' Imam Hasan (s) said to him, 'Marry her to a pious man, because if he loves her, he will honor her, and if he hates her, he will not do wrong towards her.' 3
The beauty of morals and piety defeats the crises that throw marital life into melancholy. 0 dear young man who are about to get married, you have to read about these principles and values and then rely on Allah. We would like to say to you and to your wife: congratulations on your marriage!
Question 49
I am a young man in the university from a wealthy family. I have all the means of luxury, and, of course, most of them are unlawful. In my fight between reason and lust, I do not know how to make reason defeat lust. Would you please guide me to the right way?
The answer: First, strengthen your determination with sincere repentance to Allah, and then watch yourself according to the following method, which I have quoted from what Allama atTabataba'iy, the author of Tafsir al-Mizan, had written to a young man like you:
"First, in the morning, when you wake up, determine not to do anything that does not please Allah! Think well before deciding to do anything whether or not it benefits you in this life and afterlife! If it pleases Allah, do it; otherwise, leave it, regardless of whether or not you like it.
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1 Bihar al-Anwar, vol.103 p.217.
2 Ibid., p.235.
3 Makarim al-Akhlaq, p.204.
Second, do so until you go to bed at night, and then think of all you have done in the day, one by one. Thank Allah for your good deeds and pray to Him to forgive your bad deeds!
Third, continue doing this for several days. You may feel tired at the beginning, but then, it will gradually become easier for you and you will enjoy it morally and spiritually. Of course, the body follows the soul in comfort.
Fourth, before sleeping, perform wudu' and recite the following suras: al-Hadeed (57), al-Hashr (59), as-Saff (61), al-Jum'ah (62) and al-Taghabun (64). If you cannot, you should recite alHashr only. With this action, you shall find that the pleasure of lawful things is sweeter than the pleasure of unlawful things. Then, you will laugh at those who pant after unlawful pleasures, and feel sorry for them and the mirage they walk in towards Hell."
In the following tradition, Imam Ali (s) mentions the qualities of the faithful and pious people, who follow sound reason and walk in the right path. Imam All (s) says,
'A faithful one is truthful in the worldly life, with an insightful heart. He keeps to the (moral) limits. He is a vessel of knowledge, with perfect thinking. He is generous, goodhearted, patient, and openhanded. He spends liberally. He is charitable, honey-tongued, and smiling. He ponders much, sleeps little, and laughs little. He is with good manners, free from greediness, and away from fancy. He is ascetic in this life. He looks forward to the afterlife. He likes guests. He is merciful to the orphans. He is kind to the young. He has regard for the old. He helps the needy, visits the sick, and escorts the dead. He respects the holiness of the Qur'an, prays to the Lord, cries for sins, enjoins right, forbids wrong, eats little, drinks little, moves with politeness, speaks with advice, and preaches kindly. He does not fear any except Allah and expects no one save Him. He is busy in thanking and praising Allah. He is neither negligent nor is he proud. He is not proud of the properties of the worldly life. He is busy thinking of his own defects away from the defects of others. Prayer is the delight of
his eyes. Fasting is his job and occupation. Truthfulness is his habit. Gratefulness is his ship. Reason is his captain. Piety is his food. The worldly life is his prison. Patience is his home. The night and day are his capital. Paradise is his abode. The Qur'an is his speech. Muhammad is his intercessor and Allah the Almighty is his entertainer.' 1
Question 50
I am a young man. I want to get married, but I fear that I may fall into the same predicament my brother fell in. In the beginning, his wife had good morals, but later on, her morals became bad. Many problems occurred between them until they became a bad example in the family. I do not know how to convince myself and pass over my difficult psychological state to get married and live happily!
The answer: Dear brother, with the scenes you have seen, your worry is very natural. However, you should be certain that problems are not always repeated because each person has his own independent personality if he has a will. Your will is stronger in the stage of youth, and you can take lessons from your brother's experience. Instead of being desperate about this experiment, you can read about the successful experiments of millions of people who have gotten married and lived happily. In order to attain this happiness, you should read books about the happy marital life to learn the qualities of a good wife who can help you lead a happy life. Do not place in your mind an imaginary picture of an infallible girl who has no defect, because first, you yourself are not so, and second, there is no such a girl in this world at all. Yes, such a girl is in Paradise and her name is "Houri".
When you determine to get married inshallah, please make note of the following points:
1. Man acquires most of his habits from the environment he lives in. Therefore, we have to excuse others as we would like others to excuse us.
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1 Jami' al-Akhbar, p.215.
2. Some disagreements that result from the differences in knowledge, beauty, health, and lineage do not harm marital happiness. This is like the differences between day and night or between the four seasons for example. One complements the other so that life continues with ultimate wisdom. Spouses, who want their life to continue happily, have to think in this way about their differences that are beyond their wills.
3. As for acquired habits that harm the marital relation, spouses have to try their best to get rid of them and to not be indifferent towards them.
Question 51
I have a friend who is good in all aspects. He is kind and our relationship is very good, but he has a bad quality that makes me turn away from him while I do not want that. I cannot speak out frankly to him about this bad deed which he often commits. I am confused as to how to tell him about it. This bad quality is called by the Holy Qur'an as treason of the eyes.
Yes! My friend knows well that looking at foreign women (not mahram) is unlawful, and when it is repeated, it changes into an arrow in his eye, heart, and soul. However, he looks at women stealthily and from the corners of his eyes. He casts his eyes and then looks again. What is bitterer than that is that when he visits me (at home) or when I go out with him to visit our friends (in their houses), he does not cast his eyes down towards the ground in the manner of faithful people, but he raises his head and looks here and there without caring that maybe the door of a room is open or that it might have mistakenly been opened by a child, and then his eyes come across women and honors. How often this thing has happened! He looked (at women), lowered his head and then he looked again (from under his eyes). He did not refrain from doing this!
I do not want to cut my relationship with him, and at the same time, I do not wish to continue my friendship with him much longer while he does this thing repeatedly. If I can learn the solution due to religion and reason, the problem will end. Would you please guide me to the most effective way to reform him?
The answer: If you can end your embarrassment by reminding him of the values and morals of the believers and the pious, you should do so without hesitation, otherwise you have to write your thoughts in a letter with a disguised handwriting. Then, you should send the letter by post without any sign indicating it is from you so that Allah may make this way the solution that pleases you and saves him from his plight.
Man, sometimes, becomes accustomed to a bad quality, and then it becomes difficult to remove it from him in a short period of time. Therefore, you should try to advise him, in the same way, after some time if you find that he has not changed.
Write to him, in your letters, about the values he believes in and warn him of the evil end of continuing this bad quality. Mention to him the torment of the treason of the eyes on the Day of Resurrection. Speak, in your letters, to his conscience and tell him that his personality will become degraded before his friends if he continues this bad behavior.
This is what you should tell him in your unsigned letters, but what I want to say to him and to those like him in the following lines is:
Dear brother, what would your situation be if one of your friends looked at your wife, daughter, or sister, etc?
What would your situation be if someone said to you angrily and violently before others: do you not feel shame to look at my wife?!
What would your situation be if your close friends turned away from you and you were exposed before all?
Imagine that your bad quality was in others besides you! Would you not become angry with them and try to advise them? And if they did not refrain, would you not cut your relation with them? But before all that, remember this saying of one of the poets:
"Do not forbid (others) from a behavior while you practice it, It is a great shame if you do it."
Imam al-Hasan al-Askari (s) has said, 'It suffices you as politeness that you do not do what you dislikes others to do.'
Here, I invite this friend to ponder on the traditions of these infallible ones who want good for him.
The Prophet (s) said, '(Unlawful) looking is an arrow from the Satan's. Whoever avoids it for fear of Allah, Allah gives him faith, the sweetness of which he can feel in his heart.' 1
He also said, 'Whoever fills his eyes with unlawfulness, Allah will fill them with nails of fire on the Day of Resurrection.'
Ameerul Mo'mineen (Imam Ali) (s) said, 'Beware of treason, because it is the worst of disobedience. A traitor will be tortured in Fire for his treason.' 2
He also said, 'He, who sets his eyes free, tires out his mind. He, whose looks follow one after another, his sighs continue.' 3
Question 52
We have heard before that boys molested girls in the streets and via the telephone, but nowadays we see the opposite. My only son, whom I wish to study at the university and graduate with a high degree, is chased by the ringer of the telephone, which rings five, six, or seven times every day even at the times of rest, though the caller (girl) neither speaks nor does she refrain even after all my abuses. I asked my son if he had a relation with some girl and he denied it. I am sure he was truthful. We agreed that he would pick up the telephone and attract her so that we might know who she was. The telephone rang and my son lifted the telephone. I came near him to hear. She said softly, 'I have admired you and my life is like hell without you. I only want your love. Do you appreciate love?'
My son, whose face reddened and whose voice hesitated, said to her, 'Alright! But, how can I see you? What is your name and address?'
When she felt assured, she introduced herself. She was the daughter
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1 Bihar al-Anear, vol.io4 p.38.
2 Mustadrak al-Wassa'il, vol.2 p.506.
3 Jami' al-Akhbar, p.245.
of our neighbor, with whom we had no relation at all.
I am astonished at fathers and mothers that they do not watch their children. Where have shyness and abstinence gone? Where are religion and protectiveness? Is this the value of a Muslim girl? Please, tell me, is there no conscience bearing purity and dignity?
The answer: In this question, there is a complete answer for him who has a heart or lends his ear with full intelligence.
Yes! The problem set forth in this painful question reveals the educational looseness and religious weakness. The crisis is knocking at the doors, if it has not already entered some houses!
I know many who suffer from these bad things that have come to us via foreign movies. Bitterer than this are some Arabic movies that have played a great corruptive role since the fifties. The satellite TV stations in our countries are still showing these movies whereas their actors are being burnt in the fire of Hell.
Alas! A Muslim country, Muslim artists, and great monies from the treasury of the Muslims are spent in disobeying Allah and taking Islam away from the life of the Muslims for generations after generations!
The curse of Allah be on the first one who has established the basis of injustice, corruption, and deviation among the Muslims and on the last one of his followers! Those fathers who are careless as to the honor of their daughters are often victims of those misleading films and media. Then, what do you expect their daughters to be?
As for the cure of this problem, I think it lies in talking with the family of the girl to marry her early, because when a ripe apple is not picked, it will decay and fall to the ground, and then it is trodden on or is eaten by animals. So is a (lover) girl. She should be married; otherwise, she will be like the fallen apple.
This is not understood by most parents in this bad age. The
reason is that they have driven religion away from their lives.
Dear sister, as for your son, you have to speak to him frankly. If he can continue his studies without thinking of the other sex, this is better for him, but if he suffers from the pressure of incitements, he would be better off getting married to devote himself to his study; otherwise, he will neither succeed in his study nor will he be in a good psychological and physical health.
Yes! It is somehow difficult to compromise between study and the requirements of marriage, but this will be easy with a strong will, a will of the men who defeat difficulties and conduct their marriages contentedly with simple procedures and avoid high and expensive costs.
Let the reasonable one put the advantages of this kind of marriage in a scale, and the disadvantages of the pressing lust in another scale, and then follow what his reason and religion guide him to.
