Principles of Marriage

Overlook Her Mistakes

Other than the Infallible ones (whom Allah has vowed to keep away from Sins), no human being is perfect and all ofus make many mistakes. Of course this is true for both men and women.

In the case of women, she may make mistakes by being impolite to her husband, do something against his wish, be harshtohirn,or inflict an economic loss on him by being careless, etc.

Of coui!se it is true that a couple should keep each other satisfied and should seriously avoid annoying each other; however, it rarely happens that one or both parties do not deviate from this line.

Some men think that they should be strict about their wives’ mistakes as they believe this to be the way to prevent the repetition of the same mistake again.

However, experience often shows exactly the reverse to be the case. A woman, whose husband is strict with her, may be able to cope with his strictness for a while, but would eventually decide to react against it as a result of frust ration. She gradually gets used to his attitude until she becomes indifferent towards it.

A husband who would not practise forgiveness with regard to his wife’s mistakes, is practically encouraging her to become impudent and disobedient. He might wish to continue this attitude where he will sutly have many rows with his wife. They both would have to live in a state of bitterness for the rest of their lives.

Or he might choose to leave his wife alone and not concern himself with her as much. In this case his wife, who feels she has won a fight. becomes indifferent to her huband’s will and wishes. It might reach a point that even when she commits major mistakes deliberately, he keeps silent. Their marriage then loses its warmth and they might resort to divorce.

Remember that a divorce is harmful to both parties because starting a new life is not so easy. Happiness cannot be guaranteed after divorce. Therefore, strictness is not always useful and often results in undesired events which one can read about in the media. The best way is to remain moderate and to act logically. Forgive all the trivial and non-deliberate mistakes of your wife. There is no need to shout at someone for a mistake which has happened erroneously. Of course, one can always advise others in ordertohelp them not to repeat their mistakes. People make many mistakes out of ignorance, so it is better to advise them patiently to correct their incorrect deeds or opinions.

Therefore, your wife cannot be forced into correcting her mistakes, but instead you should explain her mistake and its harmful effects logically so that she could choose herself not to repeat that action again. Thus not only your mutual respect remains as before, but it would also prevent the repetition of the same mistakes.

It is wise for a man to logically stop his wife from making mistakes, but if she persistently makes errors, then again he should forgive and overlook them. It is wrong for him to set about punishing her or tiying to prove her guilt in order to make her apologeticihis is because women are stubborn by nature, and improper strictness makes them react more severely than before. This might be followed by unpleasant or even horrific events, such as divorce or murder.

Islam has recognized this sensitive point where men have been made responsible for their women.

"Im?m Ali (AS) stated: Cope with women under all circumstances and speak to them well; (and by doing so) it may make their actions cortct’."

"Im?m Sajjâd (AS) stated: it is a right of (your) wife that you treat her kindly, because she is under your surety, and you should feed and dress her, and forgive her ingorant deeds’."

I main S?diq (AS)was asked: What rightsa woman has on her husband, for whi, if he acted accordingly, would be regarded as a good-doer?’ The Im?m replied: 'He must provide her with food and clothes and he should forgive her mistakes committed unknowingly’."

"Im?m S?diq (AS) also stated: 'Whoever punishes those who are subordinate to him, should not expect to be honoured or to attain high ranks’."

One of the causes of rows among men and women is because mezs mothers-in-law butt into their family affairs. A mother, before marrying her daughter off to a man, imagines her son-in-law to be perfect and approves for her daughter one who could make her happy. She would respect him and would treat him kindly in the hope of being able to correct his trivial faults at a later stage.

Sometimes she finds her son-in-law conforms to her expectation, and sometimes he does not. In the latter case, she intends to shape him until he can be accepted by her and for this she uses every possible means such as her own and others’ experiences, and starts to plan her approach.

She sometimes pretends to be sympathetic and sometimes strict. She might act as a guide and a supervisor, or might complain. However, the best option is to achieve her goal by influencing her daughter by making her not conform to her husband.

She uses her daughter and thus orders her to act differently at various times. Consequently, the man finds his wife to be critical of him one day and begging him to do something the next day.

An inexperienced woman would thinlç that her mother would be sympathetic to her marriage and would conform to her advice!

Thus if her husband still does not conform to his motherin-law’s ideal man, rows may break out between the couple which could result in divorce and even murder.

That is why most men are not on good terms with their mothers-in-law. They blame them for their wives’ disobedience and believe that their mothers put words in their daughters’ mouths.

It would not be a bad idea if one learns about complaints of a few sons-in-law.

"Mr M Javad writes: 'My mother-in-law is a demon, a dragon, a two-headed serpent. May God save the wolves from her. She has made my life so bitter that I am going crazy and feel like running away to the mountains and deserts... It is not only me who is fed up with this situation. This is a general case and I think ninety-five percent of men are affected by them and the other five percent probably do not have a mother-in-law’. Mr F Muhammad writes: 'My mother-in-law is always butting into my life. She causes our annoyance for no good reason. She is always speaking defamatory words about my family. Whenever I buy anything for my wife, she (the mother-in-law) starts picking up fault with it. She criticizes its colour, or model and tries to prove it worthless to my wife.’ Mr K Parviz writes: 'My mother-in-law has treated me in such a way that I have almost divorced my wife three times. She stings like a scorpion. She teaches my wife to be rude to me, to leave the housework, or to expect the impossible from me. Whenever she comes to us, our house turns into hell. I truly hate the sight of her’."

Most men try to counter their mothers-in-law’s influences on their wives by restricting their relationship with, them. They stop their wives from going to their parents’ houses. In brief, men do not get along with their mothers-in-law and show their dislike for them by all possible means.

However, this approach, although usual, is not logical and wise. This is because a mother-daughter relationship is very strong and is a natural bond which cannot be broken easily.

How can a man expect his wife to abandon her parents Who have spent years trying to bring her up?

This expectation is not practical and even if it happens, it would not be permanent, as any unnatural act is temporary.

Besides if a woman feels that her husband is against her parents, she might take up a similar stance with regard to his family. She may become disobedient, disrespectful, etc.

Moreover, this attitude of the man gives an excuse to his mother-in-law to interfere more severely in their marriage. In brief this approach could have a negative result and might lead to divorce.

Anyway why should a man, who can bene?t from associating with his in-laws, resort to such measures which could harm him and his family?

"Indian police authorities reported that in the year 1971, the main reason for a total of 146 cases of suicide in New Delhi was due to an unfavourable relationship between men and their mothers-in-law."

"A man, who was frustrated with his mother-in-law because of her obtrusions, threw her out of a taxi."

"A man broke his mother-in-law’s skull with a hammer. His brother-in-law then became furious with him and after wounding him with a knife, escaped."

"Mr..., wh.o was angry with his mother-in-law, poured the contents of a hot stew over her head. She screamed and fainted on the floor. She was taken to hospital and after recovery said her daughter had informed her husband that she wanted a divorce and could not live with him any longer."

"A man who was fed up with his mother-in-law committed suicide."

Here it is perhaps worth mentioning two points:

(a) Obviously a mother-in-law, not only is not an enemy to her son-in-law, but it is natural for her to like him as is evident at the beginning of a marriage. Besides she finds herself close to him because of the interest that she has in her daughtrer’s happiness. Therefore, when a mother-in-law interferes in her daughter’s life, it cannot be meant to be nythiflg but with good intentions.

She means to be sympathetic, but sometimes out of ignorance, she takes the wrong steps or makes harmful suggestions.

Thus one should not be too critical of such women.

(b) A mother and child relationship is a natural bond which cannot be easily broken, and whoever makes efforts in this direction, would surely fail. Such effort is contrary to the laws of nature and cannot be justified in any way.

Just as a man is interested in his parents, so is a woman. Consequently it is best to have a kind of relationship with one’s in-laws that is beneficial to both parties. This is only possible if one exercises respect and kindness. A man can, through wisdom, respect, obedience, etc have a good relationship with his mother-and father- in-law. He should show his love for their daughter. He should not criticize her in front of them. He should seek advice and spiritual help from them. In the event of their suggesting or doing something wrong, he should kindly and logically point out to them that they are not right. He should not speak harshly to them.

A married man should regard a good relationship with his in-laws, as his duty and a secret to a succesful marriage. As a result many family problems are prevented while many more can be resolved.

In brief, it is not always the mother-in-law who is guilty but men should be wise enough to befriend them. There are many men who enjoy a good relationship with their mothers-in-law.

"Mr Manuchehr writes: 'My mother-in-law is an angel or even better. I love her more than my own mother, because she is kind and understanding. She always helps us with our problems. Her existence is a guarantee of my family’s happiness and prosperity."

Even if a man has a mother-in-law who is stubborn, ignorant and impossible to reconcile with, he should not treat her harshly. This kind of women may make one’s life difficult, but it is always better to react softly towards their improper behaviour. This is because, by treating them kindly, one could minimize the danger to one’s marriage.

Meanwhile, the man should get closer to his wife and should make her trust him. He must discuss her mother’s wrong deeds with her, and logically prove to her, their undesirable consequences.

If a man is able to create a deep understanding with his wife, then many problems, including the one with his mother-in-law would be solved.

So do not forget good manners , be wise and treat Your wife’s family kindly in order to have a successful marriage.

"Im?m Ali (AS) stated: Developing friendship is half of wisdom."

"Im?m Ali (AS) also stated: Associating with people and treating them with good manners wouldprevent one from committing bad deeds and mischievous acts."

"Im?m Ali (AS) stated: Associatc with each other and do good. Keep away from snlkinu and separation’."

Be Attentive

Woman is an emotional being whose emotions are dominant over her logic. She is more naive and sensitive than a man. She can be deceived more easily and has less control over her emotional desires. She cannot decide wisely once she is upset. She can be amused or made upset with little effort. Thus if the man has supervision over the behaviour and actions of his wife, most of the possible risks would be averted.

This is why the holy religion of Islam appoints men to act as guardians of their families and makes them responsible for their family affairs.

Allah states in the Holy Quran:

Therefore a man, who is regarded as the protector of his family, should not practise carelessness with regard to his wife’s deeds. He must always supervise her affairs and monitor her actions. He must see to it that she does not deviate or associate with the wtong kind of people. He must logically explain to her the harms of keeping bad company. I-fe must not allow her to leave the house with indecent clothing or which arouse sexual feelings. He must not permit her to participate in cormpt activities or to attend unworthy gatherings.

It is a fact that if a woman is left alone in her deeds and associations, she would possibly fall into the traps of evil-minded people who live in a corrupt life.

Men are recommended to take a look at the number of women who, as a result of their husbands’ negligence, have fallen prey to corruption. There are many women who have been deceived at night parties. Many families have broken down and many children have lost their families as a result of such get-togethers.

A man who allows his wife to leave the house with indecent clothes, permits her to befriend all kinds of people, and does not stop her from attending corrupt gatherings, is in fact committing the greatest perfidious act to himself, his wife, and children.

This attitude would lead his wife towards hundreds of danger zones from which she cannot easily escape. Petrol is inflammable and fire can burn it, thus it is foolish to think that leaving petrol next to fire would not set it a blaze.

How ignorant and simple minded are those men who allow their wives or daughters, by being indecently dressed, to expose themselves in the streets, while at the same time disliking the attention or notice given to them by the youth. Wrong freedoms of this kind have grave consequences.

If a woman is successful in taming her husband with regard to her unlawful desires, she would then increase the extension of her wishes up to a level where she would act independently of her husband altogether. This will result in mischievous events in the family.

"That is why the Prophet (SA) of Islam stated: 'A man is the guardian of his family and any guardian is responsible to his subordinates to take care of their needs '"

"The Prophet (SA) also stated: 'Order women to do good deeds before they make you commit wrong ones’."

"In addition the Prophet (SA) stated: 'Whoever obeys his wife, Allah would cast him into the fire on his face’."

"The Prophet (SA) was asked: 'What sort of obedience is meant here’? The Prophet (SA) of Allah replied: 'It is when the husband permits a woman who asks her husband to flow her to go to the public bath, weddings, celebrations, and condolence gatherings while wearing delicate and thin clothes."

"Im?m Sadiq (AS) stated: 'The bliss of a man is that he becomes supervisor and guardian of his family’."

"The Prophet (SA) of Islam stated: 'Any man who permits his wife, who has adorned herself, to leave the house, is a mean-spirited person, and whoever cal!s him as such, would not have committed any sin. And any woman whose husband permits her to leave the house adorned and perfumed, with each step that she takes, Allah would build a house for her husband in hell’."

Finally, I remind you of two points:

(a) It is correct that a man should be watchful of his wife but this should be done carefully and wisely. He must not resort to anger or violence. He must not make his wife feel that she is being ordered about or else she would react unpleasantly.

The best way is, for the man, to be kind and nderstaflding. He must act like a sympathetic partner and explain to his wife about the harms of wrong deeds. She must be made to choose the right path herself with enthusiasm and eagerness.

(b) A man should be moderate, that is, he should neither be too strict and fussy, nor should be care-free. A woman, like a man, needs freedom and should be at liberty in her rightful associations. She must be free to communicate with her parents. brotherS, and sisters and must be allowed to keep the appropriate type of company.

In brief, there are exceptional cases where a woman should be deprived of her desires. But even in such cases one should not step beyond the limits and become too strict. Too much strictness is harmful. It destroys a friendly atmophere and causes annoyance. A woman might react severely as a result of her husband’s strictness.Slie might even ask for a divorce.

"A young woman, Mrs... said to the reporter in the court: 'I got married with Mr... five years ago. We have a son and a daughter now. At times my husband has been treating everybody in a cynical manner. He does not allow me to associate with anybody. I-ic even locks the doors for us when he leaves the house. We are prisonerS in his house. I can’t even go to my parents any more. My family-members do not come to us either, because of him. I do not know what to do! On the one hand I cannot live with him, and on the other, I am worried about my children’s future. So. I decided to take my case to this court; perhaps they can pass somejudgement’."

Men such as this woman’s husband are, unfortunately, so strict and abnormal that their wives, despite their wish to live together, apply for divorce. Their wives become so annoyed with them that, despite having children, they are prepared to separate from them.

Why should a man forbid his wife from associating with her near-relatives? Does he not know that too much strictness prepares the grounds for some women to deviate from modesty? Has he not heard of or seen any shattered families as a result of such behaviour?

Even if one’s wife copes with one’s strictness, there would be a lack of warm family atmoshpere in the house. How can one expect an imprisoned housewife to be kind to her husband and children or to eagerly pursue the housework?

The Disciplinary Rights of the Husband

Although a husband and wife, who form a joint family life, share and cooperate in running the affairs of their house, they may have different opinions over certain matters. A man might feel that it should be he who should decide about family affairs, with his wife’s indisputable agreement. At the same time his wife may object to her role as the obedient party. Arguments and rows may then start because both palties attempt to establish their authority over the other. The best solution to such a problem k that both should try to refrain from acting as superior to the other, and try to resolve their problems through dialogue and deep understanding. This would only be feasible if both of them stop being stubborn.

Some men order their wives to do many things and if are confronted with resistance, they think it right to become annoyed, to punish or even to physically hurt their wives. This approach is not correct at all. The men of the 'Age of Ignorance’, who lacked humanity, used to hurt and beat their wives.

"The Prophet (SA) also stated: 'I am astonished at a man who beats his wife, whereas it is he himself, more than his wife, who deserves a beating. 0 people, do not beat your women withsticks because such an act has Qisas (repriSal)."

Oppressing a woman who has wishfully married her husband, who seeks comfort and tranquility with him, and who expects her husband to share with her problems, is not right. In fact Allah entrusts a woman to her husband through marriage and a man’s mistreatment with his wife would be unfaithfulness towards Allah’s trust in him.

A man who hits his wife, inflicts such damage on her soul that she might suffer from a complex; and the family love and warmth would almost definitely fade away. How can a man maintain a sound marital relationship with his battered and degraded wife? This is really shameful.

"The Prophet (SA) of Allah stated: '0 you (men)! how can any of you beat his wife and thereafter embrace A man, unless having a particular right over his wife, similar to those to be mentioned in this chapter is not lawfully permitted to force his wife into doing anything or to resort to physical punishment upon her disobedience. For instance a woman, lawfully is not duty-bound to carry out housework such as cleaning, cooking, washing up. childcare, knitting, sewing, etc. Although the majoritY of women do carry out these works of a housewife on their own, these are not mandatory. Men should be grateful to their wives for their wor in the house. Therefore, no man has the right to question or punish his wife when faced with her refusal to carry out the housekeeping chores.

Islam recommends physical punishment of one’s wife only in two cases where his rimdits are violated:

Case 1: A manis Islamicallyandlawfullyallowedtoseek sexual satisfaction and pleasure from his wife and to derive all sorts of enjoyment from this relationship. His wife is lawfuily duty-bound to yield to her husband’s sexual desires. If; woman refuses to satisfy her husband, the husband should initially persuade her in an orderly manner. However, if man feels that his wife is trying to be malicious to him, and if he cannot tolerate the situation, then by observing the prescribed stages can punish her.

Allah states in the Holy Qur’an:

Therefore, the Qttr’?n allows beating one’s wife as the final stage of punishment, in the event of unreasonable behaviour of a woman vith regard to the sexual desires of her husband.

The first stage is giving advice. Secondly, the man should avoid sharing her bed or turn his back towards her, and in this way he should show his anger. If nothing positive happens at the end of the second stage and still the woman continues to refuse her husband, he is permitted to beat her (lightly).

A man, however, is not permitted to surpass the prescribed limit and resort to oppression. Men are reminded of the following:

(a) The aim of physical punishment of one’s wife should be a way of education and not that of taking revenge.

(b) Hitting should be done by hand or by using a thin and light wooden stick.

(c) Hitting to the extent that results in changing the colour of the skin (to blue or red) is not permitted and is punishable by the payment of a Diyah (fine).

(d) Hitting of senstivie parts of the body such as the eyes. head, stomach, etc is not permitted.

(e) Physical punishment should not be so hard as to create hatred and ill-feeling between the couple, or to drive the wife towards more disobediency.

(f) A man (who intends to punish his wife in this manner) should remember that he is to live with his wife and that the family love should not be destroyed.

(g) A man is not allowed to hit his wife if there are legitimate reasons for her non-compliance with his wishes. For instance, if she is in the state of menstruation. fasting in the month of Ramaddur. being in ihr?m (garb for Hajj pilgrimage), or if she is sick. These are acceptable reasons and a man cannot punish his wife for not complying with his wishes on these occasions.

Case 2: A woman can go out of the house only after obtaining her husband’s permission. Going out without permission is lawfully not allowed and committing it is a sin.

A tradition has been reported that the Prophet (SA) did not allow any woman to go out of her house without her husband’s permission. "He stated: Any woman who goes out of her house without her husband’s permission, would be subjected to the curse of all the angels in the heavens and all those who see her, be they jinn or human, until the time she returns (to her home).

This is the right of any husband which must be observed by their wives.

But men should not be too strict with their wives on this account. It is better for them to allow their wives to go out whenever possible.

This right of men is not meant to be a show of strength or an attempt at putting pressure on their wives, but a means of preventing women from going to undesirable and Unsuitable places.

Being too strict, not only is not useful, but may affect the family relationship, or even drive a woman towards disobediency and corruption.

A man must stop his wife from going to corrupt and unsuitable places and gatherings. It is a religious obligation for women to obey their husbands. A disobedient woman can be punished by her husband. Here again the punishment should be carried out in stages.

A woman, however, can go out of the house on specific occasions without her husband’s permission and men are not permitted to hurt their wives in such cases:

(a) Going out of the house for learning the necessary commandments of religion.

(b) Going out of the house for Hajj when she possesses the necessary financial means and ability to perform Hajj.

(c) Going out of the house to repay a debt provided it is not possible to repay without going out of the hpuse.

Suspicious Men

It is rightful for men to be watchful of their wives but not to an extent of suspicion and distrust. Some men are suspicious and doubt their wives’ faithfulness. This is dangerous and makes life very difficult for all the family.

A man who is suffering-from this behaviour, constantly picks up fault with his wife. He monitors her closely and follows her everywhere. He finds supporting evidence for his cause of suspicion fron every thing. If he sees his wife talking to a man, or finds a photograph of a man among her belongings, or finds a letter written to her by a man, or finds a man looking at her, he would reach certainty with respect to her unfaithfulness. If his wife hides a letter from him, he would think that it is a love letter. If she expresses her love less than before, he would doubt her sincerity.

He might even think that since his daughter does not look like him, his wife must have committed adultery.

All such examples can be regarded as a firm proof of a woman’s infidelity by the suspicious husband. The situation becomes worse if a relative or friend agrees with his suspicion.

Families, who are affected by this illness, suffer a great deal. The man would act like a detective around the house, and his wife would feel as if she was being kept in custody. They would both suffer mentally and their marriage would become endangered. They might even resort to divorce or murder.

There are many cases of homicide and suicide which have occurred as a result of suspicion.

Under these conditions a man and his wife should be aware of the possible grave consequences and, through wisdom and understanding, repel any danger which could threaten their marriage or even their lives. They only need to be aware of the potential danger and be able to think clearly in order to overcome their problems.

A man should give up his fanaticism and extreme jealousy. He must act logically. He must be aware that convicting his wife of adultery is not a trivial matter, and that such an allegation needs definite proof.

"Allah states in the Holy Qur’?n: "0 you who believe! avoid most osuspicion, for surely susj?cion in some cases is a sin ... (49:12)."

"The Prophet (SA) of Allah stated: 'Whoever, falsely, accuses his wife of committing adultery would lose all the benefits from his good deeds just as a snake sheds its skin. And for each hair on his body, one thousand sins would be written down in his record (for the Day of Judgement)’."

"The Prophet (SA) of Allah also stated: 'Whoever falsely accuses a faithful man or woman,Allah would, on the Day of Judgement, hold him on a heap of fire so that he receives the punishment for his sin’."

As long as a woman’s unfaithfulness is not proved through firm evidence, a man does not have any right to accuse her, otherwise he would be committing a sin for which, as per Islam, he is to be punished with eighty lashes. Evidence based on purely imaginative grounds are not indicative of any thing. Old letters, picutres, etc do not prove any thing.

Keeping such things is not right, but this is a mistake that most young people commit and it is not a thing to be seriously concerned with.

If a woman is seen conversing with a stranger, although she is not right in doing so, this isolated event cannot be held against her as a proof of her unfaithfulness. This is because she might have thought it rude not to pay heed to that man, or he might have not been a stranger but a friend of her father or brother.

If a woman makes a compliment to a man, although she should not, it may be out of simplicity and therefore cannot be indicative of her unfaithfulness.

If a woman tells a lie about a relationship, or hides her letters, it may be that there is a good reason for it or she may fear her husband’s groundless accusations.

If a woman has grown cold towards her husband, it may be that she is upset with him, that she may be ill, or may have other problems.

In brief, for all situations which may indicate symptoms of unfaithfulness,one can find tens of good reasons which render the possibility of any wrong doing as void.

Dear Sir! for the sake of Allah stop being suspicious. Consider yourself a fair judge and view the problem with logic.Measure the degree of the possibility of your wife’s unfaithfulness and find out whether it is definite, just a suspicion, or even feasible?

I am not saying that you should be indifferent or careless but that you should act upon the amount of evidence you possess and not more. Why should you exaggerate the problem with baseless suspicion and make life difficult for yourself and your family? How would you feel if anybody accused you in a similar manner? Why do you think in an unfair manner? Why should you disgrace yourself and your wife? Why can you not have mercy upon your wife? Have you ever thought that she might eventually deviate from the right path through your mistrust and false accusations?

"Im?m 'Ali (AS) stated to his son, Im?m Hasan (AS):

'Be careful not to act possessively when you should not. Because this would incline the right people towards corruption and the chaste people towards committing'' 202 sin.

If you are suspicious of your wife, do not discuss it with just anyone whom you see, because they might approve of your suspicion out of enmity, simplicity or carelessness. They might approve of your suspicion out of enmity, simplicity or carelessness. They might even strengthen your suspicion and cause you unhappiness in this world and the life after. You should not, specifically inform your mother or sister because they would naturally be in agreement with you and thus increase your suspicion. You must seek advice from wise and experienced friends or relatives.

The best approach, however, is for you to talk to your wife and ask her for an explanation. But you should not seek to prove her guilt. Listen to what she has to tell you and decide like a fair judge who is free from any prejudice.

At least try to believe her and imagine your brother-tn-law is presenting you with evidence of your sister’s unfaithfulness. Why should you act mercilessly and regard her as a proven criminal?

Be wise and patient, lest you divorce her on baseless grounds. Suppose you endure the sufferings of a divorce, but how certain are you about the next wife? You would still be suspicious. What is their fault if it is you that is suffering with this illness? Be wise and try to understand your own problem.

Be careful not to resort to commit suicide or murder your wife. Because you would destroy your life here in this world and the Almighty Allah would punish you in the life Hereafter.

You must know that spilling blood would one day be revealed and then you would either be executed or would spend your life in prison.

If you do not agree with this point, then just take a look at the statistics of convicts.

Wives of suspicious men also have a great responsibility with respect to their families. These women must sacrifice and prove their ability in such difficult situations.

Dear madam! first of all your husband is infected with a dangerous illness where he, unwillingly, takes the wrong steps which would endanger your family.

You must express your love for him as much as possible. He must be certain that he is the only man in your life. Be patient with him, do not shout at him, do not refuse to talk to him and do not be stubborn with him.

If you feel that he is monitoring your letters or controlling your comings and goings, do not protest. Tell him everything, tell the truth . Avoid lies or denials of the events which have happened. If he ever finds out that you have been lying about anything, he would regard i.t as a proof of your infidelity, the damage of’ which cannot easily be repaired.

If your suspicious husband ever asks you not to associate with a certain person or wants you to do a certain task, then accept his word, otherwise the cause of his doubt in you would strengthen. In brief, avoid all deeds which could make him suspicious of you.

"Im?m 'All (AS) stated: 'Whoever exposes himself to accusation, must not blame those who become suspicious of him’."

If your husband shows animosity towards any one, then you should break your contact with that person altogether.

Dear madam! it is better t’or you to keep your family together than keeping your friendship with others. Do not think that you are a slave in the chains of’ your husband, but realize that you are an ill man’s wife.

Remember when you made a marital covenant with your husband, you undertook to share all the happy and the sad occasions of life. Is it now fair for you to mistreat your husband who is suffering from an illness? Put away immature thoughts and be provident. By Allah, however much your sacrifice for youll family, it is worth it. A good woman is one who can cope with in difficult situations.

'Im?m S?diq (AS) stated: .Jihad of’ woman is in her patience towards her husband’s malicious acts and fervour. Do not do anything which vould make your husband suspicious. Do not look at other men.

The Prophet (SA) of Allah stated: 'Allah would he greatly angry with a married woman who tills her eyes with the looks of strangers’."

Do not associate with strange men. Do not leave the house without your husband’s permission. Do not get in strangers cars. Only your chastity is not enough but you should seriously avoid anything which would arouse your husband’s suspicion. He might become suspicious of’ the most trivial points of Your behaviour.

"A 27-year old woman said in the court: it was the winter of 963, when on a snowy day. I got in a car which belonged to my friend’s uncle. She offered that her uncle would give me a lift home. I accepted and got in his car. When we reached home, my husband was standing by the doorof’ the house and since I did not want him to see me in another man’s car, I asked my f’riend’s uncle to drive on, which he did. Later, my husband who had seen me in that car, asked about it, but I denied everything. He became more suspiciousand it reached a stage where he did not even believe my friend’s witness. Now it is eight years that he has neither lived with me nor divorced me. I do not know what to do’."

Who do von think is to blame in this story?

I would say that the woman is more guilty thop husband. It is she who, out of carelessness and simplicity, had placed herself and her husband in this situation.

First of all she should not have accepted a lift from. stranger as this is not a correct thing to do for any woman. j is not proper and it may be dangerous.

Secondly. she should not have acted the way she did when she saw her husband. She should have stopped the ca and should have explained to her husband.

Thridly. one of her mistakes was to tell the driver to drive on.

Fourthly. she should not have denied it later. She could have explained every thing even at this late stage and it could have helped to solve the problem.

Of course the man is not right either. He must not regard this event as a conclusive evidence of his wife’s guilt. He must consider the possibility that his wife might have carelessly got in a stranger’s car and then she might have, fearfully, asked the driver not to stop and naturally denied the whole affair.

He must investigate the matter and once he is certain that she is not guilty, he must be forgiving.

The Unfaithful Woman

Once a woman, through firm proof, is convicted adultery, her husband would be placed in a very difftcult situation. On the one hand, his honour is endangered and otl the other, enduring such a disgrace is not easy. He feel. trapped in a state of deadlock from which an easy escape not possible.

A man in this situation can choose one of the followings:

(a) He can keep silent about the affair in order to save it honour and for the sake of his family. But he must live wi this event for the rest of his life. Of course this choice can be acceptable by any honourable man, since it would not possible for him to cope with his adulterous wife and possible illegitimate child.

Passion is an admirable quality of men, so much so that a man without it would not enjoy the grace of the Almighty Allah as well as being dishonoured by the people who know him.

What a disgraceful and shameful life those men have who are indifferent with regard to their wives’ disloyalties.

"The Prophet (SA) of Allah stated: 'The fragrance of Paradise can be smelt at a distance of five hundred years’ journey, but two groups of people are deprived from it; those which are disowned by their parents and the cuckold ones’, it was asked: '0 Prophet (SA) of Allah: 'Who is a cuckold’? The Prophet (SA) replied: 'A man who knows his wife is an adulterer (and remains silent about jt)’."

(b) He could kill either or both his wife and the man she committed adultery with. He can take his revenge and find peace. But this is a dangerous act and would not have a good end, because a murder would rarely be concealed for ever. A murderer would finally be found and be punished. He cannot easily prove his wife’s disloyalty in the court either; and thus the possibility of his release from imprisonment would be very remote. He might even receive capital punishment. Thus he would lose his life and his children would go astray. Therefore, it is not wise for a man to endanger his life just for the sake of seeking revenge.

He should be wise and prudent and be able to cont ml his temper until he can find a suitable solution to his problem.

(c) I-fe can commit suicide in order to get rid of himself from his wife’s disloyalty and leave a disgraceful life. This is not a wise act either, because on the one hand he has murdered himself, which itself is a major sin in Islam and the murderer would be punished by Allah on the Day of Judge On the other hand, he would have deprived himself from life. What kind of logic is it that would suggest Self-killing as a revenge for someone else’s guilt. He would suffer in the next life as well as give more freedom to his wife to commit more adulterous acts.

(d) He could divorce her. This is the wisest thing to do. It is right that a divorce would destroy his family life and would inflict much harm upon him and his children, but there is not any other way. It is better for him to divorce her and take the children, because it is not right to leavc them with a corrupt woman to bring up. Of course bringing up children is not an easy job for a man, but he must be sure that Allah would help him. He could help him lead an honourable life.