CHAPTER TWO
HUSBAND AND WIVES :
SHARING LIVES AND SEEKING HAPPINESS
What is the opinion of Islam about singing and dancing in wedding ceremonies? The opinions of people are contrary; some say it is lawful while others say it is unlawful.
The answer: In Islam, they are unlawful. The Prophet (s) has said, 'Allah has sent me as mercy to people, and to eradicate musicals, pies, and the habits of the pre-Islamic era (jahiliyyah). 1 It is because play, amusement, and singing do not meet with the aims of mercy, worship, and closeness to Allah.
Jurisprudents have agreed that during the night of the wedding, singing poetry with good and polite meanings is lawful, especially if it has praises of the Prophet (s) and his progeny. Some jurisprudents have permitted classical and quiet dancing, which is not mixed (between men and women) and which does not excite lust.
This exception (in permitting singing and dancing) is limited to weddings. Abu Baseer narrated, 'Once, I asked Abu Abdullah (Imam as-Sadiq) (s) about the income of a songstress (the money she gains for singing) and he said, 'It is unlawful for one, to whom men come, but there is no problem for the one,
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1 Bihar al-Anwar, vol. 71 p.250.
who is invited to weddings.' 1
The wisdom in this exception is that Islam has made a distinction between marriage and adultery. Since adultery is done without the presence of people, Islam has intended for marriage to be performed openly and with attractive sound so that people can recognize this new marital relation between these two persons.
Many arguments have taken place between jurisprudents about the new methods in the world of singing and music. Many of them have considered singing and music unlawful because they cause many bad consequences. From the instruments of music and amusement, which incite lust, unlawful behaviors begin besides the bad poetry used in songs and the mixing between men and women until major sins are committed. Then, no excuse will remain for the angels to attend and bless that marriage.
Those who try to close their eyes to these unlawful doings under demonstrations of istihsan (approval) and assent have ignored that Islam wants weddings to be performed in spiritual and moral spheres fitting the principles of Islam and not the desires of the disease-hearted people who imitate the corruptive methods of the West.
We disagree with using instruments of amusements to turn weddings, which are acts of worship, to a stage of unlawful doings and behaviors. We reject the inviting of the Satan and the preventing of the angels to attend this honorable occasion.
The believers, who desire to be free from bad deeds until the Day of Resurrection, should avoid all that is performed by bad and disobedient people in their weddings, and thus they will be kept away from those upon whom Allah has brought His wrath.
Let us think about it in this way: would any of our infallible Imams (s) attend a wedding in which singing and dancing were practiced if he were invited to it?
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1 Wassa'il ash-Shia, vol.12 p.84.
If we suppose that we are in the age of the reappearance of Imam al-Mandi (s) and he is amongst us now, what will he think about our behaviors in the wedding?
Come! Let us make this faith in the unseen and our love for the Ahlul Bayt (s) the criterion of our behaviors on the occasions of joy so that Allah may bless these occasions for us.
We hope that the believers adhere to the limits of Islam and do not follow the Satan who wants them to fall in his traps and lose the blessings of weddings, which are from the Sunna of the Prophet (s) and the recommendable acts that are semi- obligatory.
Question 66
The gold ring has become the symbol of correlation between spouses, while in the Sharia it is unlawful for men to put on gold. Is there any exception concerning wedding bands?
The answer: There is no exception. A Muslim man has to test his faith in this critical position - whether he should obey his God or his desire.
Then, for what is all this insistence on a ring of gold? If the golden color is inevitable before people and cameras, the ring could be gilded for this purpose.
In our opinion, it would be better for the wife to put on a silver ring with a stone of carnelian on her husband's right pinkie while reciting blessings and peace on Muhammad (s) and his progeny and hoping that love will continue between them until they leave this world with a good end.
Question 67
What is the opinion of Islam about the period between the engagement and the wedding? Some people make the period too long and some make it short. Both have advantages and disadvantages.
The answer: The length of the period depends on the circumstances of the spouses. However, there are some
manners that must be observed during this period:
1. Hearty love, intellectual closeness, and mutual visits between the families of the two spouses to better know each other and to strengthen the relations between them are recommended.
2. They should avoid all that may hurt this blessed relation; offensive words, insults, and bad behaviors that cause hatred must be avoided. If some of this takes place accidentally from any of the spouses, they should apologize, excuse each other, and determine not to do that mistake again.
3. The spouses should read books about marital relations to learn the principles, rights, and manners of marriage.
4. They should not mistrust each other or argue over every matter.
5. The wife should learn how to manage the affairs of her new house and should convince herself of her new responsibilities. The husband also has to undertake his new responsibilities outside the house and inside the house in helping his wife as much as he possibly can.
6. During this period, the spouses should avoid doing what should be done on the night of wedding!
7. It is better to make this period short.
8. They should take care of cleaning their bodies and getting rid of unpleasant smells, especially the smell of the mouth by brushing the teeth five times before every prayer, or at least three times, before and after sleeping, and after lunch. They should use perfumes because the Prophet (s) always used perfume and he had recommended his Umma to also use it, except for women who should not use perfume except for their husbands or their mahrams in order to not incite the lusts of others.
Question 68
I am afraid of the unknown and worried about the future. I feel inward turmoil and psychological instability. Can I find a remedy in religion before my marital life comes to an end?
The answer: The present makes the future. If you manage your present according to good foundations, you will build for yourself a happy future. There is no excuse for your fear if you determine and rely on Allah Who says, (And (as for) those who strive hard for Us, We will most certainly guide them in Our ways; and Allah is most surely with the doers of good). 1
Starting now, you have to spend every hour of your day in a way that pleases Allah, where if you think about your yesterdays (after your determination), you will be delighted, and this delight is the future that will make you proud of the right method you have determined to follow.
Dear brother, try to forget your painful past, your defects, and all of what hurts you psychologically! Set out towards Allah, Who grants success to whoever relies on Him, and submit to Him, and then, do not worry about any grief or distress concerning this life! As for your marital life, you and your wife should read a lot to help you plan for a good and peaceful life.
Does he who wants to establish a successful company not read about all that concerns this aim?
You and your wife are two partners, who want to establish a happy life; therefore, you should read about all that concerns this aim.
When you follow this way, you will find in front of you your future clear and pleasant Inshallah.
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1 Qur'an, 29:69.
Question 69
High and excessive dowries have become a sort of competition between people and a cause of pride and boast in the meetings of women. And this is the reason that prevents the youth from getting married, and therefore, corruption spreads and the number of spinsters increases. The worst of the matter is that girls lose more because of the excessive dowries whereas parents do not feel their sufferings, and then when girls do something against their parents' will, the girls themselves are blamed and not the parents. The question is: what is the solution to this dangerous social problem?
The answer: A Muslim society that turns away from the true Islam strays into troubles and problems forever, unless it turns back to religion sincerely. This is the responsibility of all as the Prophet (s) says, 'All of you are guardians and all of you are responsible for your subjects.'
Flagrant, material manifestations like high dowries and external beauty have overwhelmed the lives of Muslims to the extent of absence of morals and principles. At the same time, troubles, problems, and enmities have filled their lives.
Islam has openly prohibited excessive dowries. The Prophet (s) said, 'Do not exaggerate dowries of women, lest enmity comes out!' 1 When we correlate this saying with the saying of Allah in the Qur'an, (Surely the Satan is your enemy, so take him for an enemy), 2 we conclude that exaggerating dowries is something pleasing to the Satan and thus is not a good deed. The Muslim family that accepts dowry as a means of happiness for their daughters actually brings them enmity and unhappiness by exaggerating that dowry.
The Prophet (s) says, 'The best women of my umma are those of prettiest faces and smallest dowries.' 3 In my opinion, "with prettiest faces" means happy mien and
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1 Makarim al-Akhlaq, p.123, Bihar al-Anwar, vol.1o3 p.351.
2 Qur'an, 35:6.
3 Bihar al-Anwar, vol. 103 p.237.
bloom and not physical beauty as many people think. There are many women with pretty faces who are sullen and gloomy; therefore, they would not be the best of women even if their dowries were small.
Certainly it is not this that the Prophet (s) has meant by "pretty faces". Far be it from him to wrong the women who have not been created with pretty faces! Therefore, we are certain that the Prophet (s) has meant the moral beauty that gives woman happy mien, bloom, activeness, and high spirits, and these things are the most important factors of happiness in the marital life. When these qualities come together with a small dowry, a woman will be beautiful and one of the best women even if she lacks material beauty. The Prophetic traditions confirm what we have said. The Prophet (s) said, 'Whoever marries a woman just for her wealth, Allah will subject him to the wealth. Whoever marries a woman just for her beauty, he will see in her what he dislikes. But, whoever marries a woman for her faith, Allah will gather for him all that he likes in her.'
This is sufficient evidence to destruct the ignorant concepts of the material civilization and restore the religious concepts to people. Whoever turns away from this right path, will be an easy prey for devils from the humans and the jinn.
Question 70
Some people exaggerate the dowries of their daughters to assure themselves of one of two things: first, that the husband will be unable to divorce his wife, and second, if the husband does divorce his wife, she will get enough money that she can live without troubles. Are these motives justifiable whereas they are contrary to the Prophet's opinion?
The answer: Excessive dowries change marriage into a trade made for material motives, whereas easy and small dowries bring spouses closer to each other from moral and humane motives. In the first case, marriage is carried out with the mentality of traders, and then a woman is considered as any kind of goods. In the second case, marriage is carried out
according to morals and values, and the woman's actual value is realized.
We can close our eyes and say that a wise man does not say anything unless it has wisdom and benefit, that we may know some of it and not know most of it. This is for an ordinary wise man, then how about the wise Prophet (s), who did not say anything except that it came from the Wisest One of all?!
Yes! The Prophet (s) said, 'It is from the good fortune of woman that her engagement is made easy, her dowry is made easy, and her pregnancy is made easy.' 1
What people imagine then is definitely not true because first, they are not more aware than the Prophet (s), and second, when someone wants to divorce his wife, he does that either due to his shortcoming and injustice or due to other justifiable reasons. If he is unjust to his wife, he will leave her alone without divorcing her in order to force her to give up her dowry, and then she will accept divorce without getting a bit of her dowry; otherwise she will suffer until the end of her life, and in this case her dowry will be of no use to her at all. But if the husband is not neglectful of his wife's rights, people will consider the wife to be mistaken and erroneous. Will she be happy with her dowry when people consider her so? Will someone come to marry her after her reputation becomes tainted, and it is said that she has mistreated her first husband? I think that no one would marry her except if he looks for wealth and lust, and these things do not make a happy marriage and a good life.
Third, why, at the beginning of marriage, which is a sacred and heavenly supported relation, does the family of the girl, who is about to be a wife, think of the guarantees of divorce? Does pessimism not kill the spirit of delight and joy of the ceremonies of marriage?
I think that the high ratio of divorce in our countries is due to the materialistic view, commercial thinking, and pessimistic
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1 Mizan al-Hikma, vo1.4 p.279.
spirit surrounding marriages from the start.
Thus, many people throw themselves and their daughters into what they would like to escape from because they mistrust what their great Prophet (s) has said to them.
At the same time, while Islam recommends low dowries, it recommends Muslims to not marry their daughters except to religious and honest persons. There is no guarantee better than faith and morals to prevent the occurrence of divorce and injustice after divorce, if it takes place, due to legal excuses.
If the husband is religious, he will fear Allah and refrain from acting unjustly towards his wife, and if he has good morals and treats his wife fairly and kindly, he will not divorce her if she is similar to him in faith and morals. Therefore, a high dowry is of no importance here.
If the wife deserves to be divorced and the husband is faithful but he cannot afford to pay the dowry because of need, the wife will remain suspended until she submits to a divorce without the dowry that she has looked forward to.
Would that these people ponder on this Verse, (And give women their dowries as a free gift, but if they of themselves be pleased to give up to you a portion of it, then take it and enjoy it with right good cheer). 1
Here, there are three questions:
1. What does "free gift" mean?
It is the gift that a husband gives with his own free will to his wife that is called a "dowry".
2. What does "but if they of themselves be pleased to give up to you a portion of it" mean?
It means that the wife can give that gift back to her husband with her own free will.
3. What does "then take it and enjoy it with right good cheer" mean?
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1 Qur'an, 4:4.
It is the fruit that comes out of the love that is founded by the mutual exchanging of gifts between the spouses where they enjoy it blissfully.
Therefore, the purpose of the dowry is to achieve true love that will not shake before the problems of life or the mistakes that often happen between spouses. If the dowry is given from a husband unwillingly, shall he love his wife sincerely?
Certainly not! The Prophet (s) said, 'Be lenient in dowries, because a man may give a dowry to a woman (wife) but it may be as a cause of hatred in his heart against her.' 1
The Prophet (s) also said, 'The best of dowries is the easiest of them.' 2
Imam Ali (s) said, 'Do not exaggerate in women's dowries, lest enmity comes out!" 3
Imam as-Sadiq (s) said, '... As for the evil omen of woman, it is her high dowry and disobedience of her husband.' 4
You will notice that a high dowry of a wife is compared, in an evil omen, with disobedience of her husband.
From that, we note that the excessive dowry is as an evil omen in marriage and a cause of disagreement and divorce, unlike what people think. I ask: can ignorance succeed before the fact that Islam has already announced?
Question 71
People pay a lot of attention to the difference in age between a husband and a wife. Would you please show me the recommended amount of this difference according to Islam and what the other qualities are that must be paid attention to before the agreement of marriage?
The answer: We have not found any verdict in Islam concerning
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1 Wassa'il ash-Shia, vol.15 p.11.
2 Ibid.
3 Wassa'il ash-Shia, vol.15 p.11.'
4 Ibid.
this matter. When we study the lives of the leaders of Islam, we find that the difference in the ages of the spouses is in different extents. Sometimes a wife is older and sometimes a husband is older. Lady Khadeeja, the mother of Lady Fatima (s), was married to the Prophet (s) while she was fifteen years older than him, whereas Imam Ali (s) was married to Lady Fatima (s) while he was ten years older than her.
The same is said about the other faithful men and women in the history of Islam. We have not read that they paid much attention, in their marriages, to the matter of age, but rather, they paid attention to other important qualities (of the other spouse) according to the following order:
1. religiousness and faith
2. good morals
3. good family
These are the qualities according to which the believers are considered equivalent to each other. The Prophet (s) says, 'The believers are equivalent to each other.' 1
From these three main qualities, the following qualities ramify:
1. intelligence, knowledge, and social manners
2. intellectual and cultural equivalence
3. physical health and freedom from hereditary diseases
4. sufficient income to at least cover the necessary expenses
5. acceptable outward beauty but not at the expense of moral beauty
6. proportionality of bodies as customary
It is customary nowadays that spouses should be nearer in age according to the idea that cultural equivalence results from studying in the modern schools, which means that both are somehow close in age. Equivalence is not achieved when a
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1 Wassa'il ash-Shia, vol.14, p.49.
young woman is a graduate of a secondary school while the young man has been a graduate of a university for ten years, which makes the difference in age between them over seventeen years. Therefore, there is no cultural and intellectual equivalence and accordingly marriage with this extent of difference in ages is not advisable.
Custom has another conception in this field that differences in age form a ground for marital disagreements because interests and hobbies of different generations always cause clashes.
A third conception says that differences in age make one of the spouses maturer than the other due to experiences and this is another cause that leads to conflicts in opinions and situations, which makes spouses disagree with each other.
Another traditional conception is that the difference in age means that the older spouse may die long before the other, and especially if the wife is still young, she will become a widow after the death of her husband and may remain alone.
We agree with these four customary conceptions, but not absolutely. There are many exceptional cases in which the marital life is of utmost happiness and pleasure in spite of the age difference between the spouses.
What is important in equivalence is the educational equivalence and mental maturity, which leads to good behavior, kindness, humbleness, and rapport.
If the main qualities we have mentioned are found in a husband and a wife, they will live happily; otherwise, there will be no happiness even if the spouses are of the same age.
Question 72
What are the qualities of an ideal father and an ideal mother?
The answer: An ideal father is one who:
1. undertakes his responsibility well to create a good marital and family life with humane atmospheres.
2. brings his family lawful livelihood without a bit of unlawful.
3. respects his wife as a human being who is equal to him in rights and duties, as Allah has said, (O people! be careful of (your duty to) your Lord, Who created you from a single being and created its mate of the same (kind) and spread from these two, many men and women; and be careful of (your duty to) Allah, by Whom you demand one of another (your rights), and (to) the ties of relationship; surely Allah ever watches over you). 1
4. cares for the intellectual, moral, and material needs of his children and is generous to them as much as possible.
An ideal mother is one who:
1. understands her role as a mother who has the most important position in educating children and feeding them with love and sentiment and teaching them the meanings of goodness, benevolence, and the afterlife.
2. undertakes her responsibility well and does not lose her patience or give up her task, which is like the task of the prophets and apostles.
3. repels evil with that which is best.
4. prefers the comfort of her husband and children to her own ease and comfort when there is a conflict between comforts.
5. always feels satisfied and content.
6. distributes her smiles of sincerity, satisfaction, and hope of success and progress among all members of her family.
7. does not remind her husband of the work she does inside the house.
8. does not uncover the defects of her husband before others and does not reveal the secrets of their life.
9. looks forward to the reward of the afterlife, pleasure of Allah, and the bliss of Paradise, which Allah has put under her feet if she devotes her intentions sincerely to Allah in this life.
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1 Qur'an, 4:1.
Here, someone may question: why have you decreased the qualities and responsibilities of a father and increased those of a mother? This is not fair, 0 sheikh!
I say: if the wife has these ideal qualities, her husband will be affected by her and then she will be a practical teacher for her husband too. Then, the famous saying "behind every great man, there is a woman" will become true.
When we reach this fact, we find that it is inevitable to emphasize the great role of mothers in preparing our daughters in the best way to undertake their important roles in achieving the happiness of the society, the progress of the umma, and the guidance of the men and the youth.
To see this fact, you can ponder on the reasons behind the wretchedness of society, the underdevelopment of the umma, and the deviation of men and the youth. You shall find heedless wives, bad women, and deviate girls at the head of these reasons.
Therefore, it has been mentioned in traditions that wealth and women are the most dangerous weapons of the Satan in seducing man and deviating him from truth, justice, and goodness and removing him from the moral paradise of this life and from the real Paradise in the afterlife, in which the pious live in comfort and luxury forever.
History has proved this in the past and in the present. Woman has corrupted and still corrupts whatever is around her if she is corrupted. Even the sincere believers have been felled by corruptive women if they became heedless for a moment.
Thus, responsibility is very heavy for a good mother, especially in bringing up her daughters. Therefore, Islam has made her position higher than the position of a good father. The Prophet (s) has ordered people to be kind to their mother three times more than to their father.
If this becomes clear to you, you shall know the secret behind the plans of colonialists that aim at corrupting daughters and making mothers ignorant, because after that, colonialists can
seize the wealth of our countries easily, for they shall not find before them save semi-men.
I have to declare something that is very bitter for every heart that wishes for the exaltedness of Islam and the happiness of man and society. It is that some women who are considered to be religious whereas faith has never entered their hearts have played a dangerous role in disrupting the Islamic unity, drawing the believers into disagreements and setting the fire of sedition among them.
This is clear evidence showing women's ability of destruction even if they don the dress of religion.
Yes! If a woman has such a great ability of bad influence even over religious people, it is reasonable and wise that much attention should be paid to this great ability in order to direct it towards construction rather than destruction.
Thus, we find that a faithful woman and ideal mother is a more important factor of construction and happiness in life than a faithful man and ideal father.
