Question 97
My daughter-in-law is one of the laziest people! She does not heed her responsibility as a human being let alone as a wife! Even after eating food, which others cook and serve before her hands, she leaves without even picking up the leftovers on the table or the
plates she eats in.
How strange this girl is! She lacks a conscience, or so I think. She sees how tired her mother-in-law is, but she does not help her. I kept silent and did not talk to my son about this matter until I became impatient. Instead of reforming herself and accepting the truth, she became angry and stopped talking to us. She has begun paying no attention to us.
I wonder at these strange types of youth from this generation. What would you advise me and my daughter-in-law and those amongst your readers who are like her?
The answer: This girl and those like her are the results of bad education in the houses of their families. Bad cultures and some TV programs produce dependent and lazy people who do not feel any responsibility or any value of time and age. This is a general aspect of luxurious societies, which is not an aspect of good and faithful people.
True faith makes man active, generous, merry, loving, cordial, cooperative, and eager to do good whenever he can, and humanity makes man an attractive being with his behavior. If man loses these two elements, what value does he have then?
In Islam, we have moral incentives that make us hurry to serve people and carry out their needs.
Once, the Prophet (s) suggested to his companions to build a bridge over a river to help the weak people cross. Some companions said they would build the bridge the next day. When they came the next day, they found the bridge was already built. They went to the Prophet (s) to tell him that. The Prophet (s) asked who had built the bridge and some people replied, '0 messenger of Allah, we went before them and built the bridge just for the reward of Allah.'
The Prophet (s) prayed to Allah for these companions for their actions and also for the other ones for their intention. Thus, faith led the believers to accomplish great achievements with which the Islamic civilization was formed. It is the civilization about which the scholars of the West and the East have said
that it was the source of the modern sciences and the source of the positive aspects of the Western civilization.
This spirit that the great Prophet (s) had inspired into Muslims has died in most Muslims of nowadays. Some of them are lazy to such a degree that they are indifferent even to their personal affairs and what brings happiness to their marital life. However, this does not mean that it is not possible for that spirit to come back to them or for it to be revived in the souls again.
This is on the level of Islam, civilization, and life, but the same can also be said for individuals and their families.
As for the problem presented in the question, it can be treated through the following steps:
1. Attract this young wife by showing her more respect and encouragement so that she can undertake some responsibilities without becoming angry.
2. Give her some books that discuss concepts like cooperation, undertaking responsibilities, purposefulness, and the importance of winning the love of others in the family by performing domestic affairs.
3. Avoid forcing and scolding, whether implicitly or openly, for these things will lead her to resist.
4. Your son (her husband) should teach her the Islamic teachings concerning the moral sides, part of which is the wife's work in the house such as cooking, cleaning, and other things; though they are not obligatory like prayers and fasting, this work nevertheless is a moral duty that has a direct influence on the happiness of the marital life. She should know that intentional cooperation increases love, which is the basis of the marital life.
As there are certain duties and responsibilities incumbent on the husband, there are certain duties and responsibilities incumbent on the wife too. Without mutual cooperation, their life will be full of troubles and then it may reach a painful end.
5. The husband should also help his wife by performing some household affairs whenever he has time and is ready, for he will be rewarded for that.
6. The household affairs can be forced onto this wife in a clever way. For example, those who usually perform the daily affairs in the house may travel and leave this wife in the house so that she would be obliged to work in the house. I hope that she will not be cleverer than you like a certain lazy wife whose husband and mother-in-law planned to involve her in the household responsibilities as follows:
The husband and his mother would compete for the broom; each of them would try to sweep so that the wife might feel shame and come take the broom from them and start sweeping herself. One day, she came to them and surprised them by saying to her husband coldly and with a soft voice: O dear, there is no need to dispute. One day you can sweep and the other day your mother can sweep.
After this witticism, I would like to recommend this dear wife and those like her of some things that have advantages and rewards for them:
1. Work has a virtuous value that raises man to a high position and makes him respected and beloved.
2. He who exerts himself becomes healthy, while the lazy ones are often sick. Work activates the circulation of blood, joints, and muscles while laziness does the opposite.
3. Willpower is a power that works miracles. It must be used in constructive ways.
4. Humbleness is a quality of those who sit on the top of the good life, so wherefore is this haughtiness, which throws man into the abyss of meanness?
5. Man must have practical experiences in his life. In life, there are many sudden events that a woman may fall into, and then she can rescue herself based on her knowledge from previous experiences.
6. In order for the difficulty of the household affairs to become easy for you and in order to get rid of your laziness, you should think of the rewards of the afterlife. The infallible Imams of the Ahlul Bayt (s) have narrated, 'When a woman gives her husband a drink of water, it is better for her than the worships of a year spent in fasting during the day and praying in the night. For every drink she gives to her husband, Allah will build her a town in Paradise and forgive her sixty sins.' 1
Question 98
The phenomenon of spinsterhood in Muslim countries is painful and full of grief. In Egypt for example, statistics confirm that there are three million and eight hundred thousand unmarried girls who are past thirty years in age.
Studies attribute this matter to the excessive dowries and high costs of marriage besides that there are a great number of girls who are afraid of marriage itself.
Ahmad Rif'at, a member of the Royal Society of Psychological Diseases in Britain, says that the reasons for spinsterhood are due to the competition between men and women in the field of work after the competition has been limited to men for many years. Woman now wants to prove her existence in the practical fields before she wants to participate with a man in marital life; therefore her marriage becomes delayed and marriage opportunities also decrease.
The Egyptian doctor Mahmood Abdurrahman, a specialist in psychological medicine, thinks that the reasons behind the delay in marriage are due to the conditions girls or their families make (such as excessive dowries, the number of rooms in the future house, the job of the husband, and even his shape), and also the conditions men make (such as the age of the girl and a restriction that she must not have been engaged or married before).
Dr. Muna Jad, the dean of the College of Kindergartens in Cairo, says that the problem appears due to contradictions in which the youth live that have placed the youth in a state of being torn apart and
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1 Wassa'il ash-Shia, vol. 14 p.123.
feeling unstable and unsafe. The youth live in an atmosphere of imaginary wealth like they see in some foreign films and serials. They wish to live in those societies, but unfortunately they only see the outward characteristics of those societies and not the actual characteristics there. They see the good things only and not the bad things of those societies.
Dr. Muna Jad mentions that the problems of the youth increase when they cannot get married at a suitable age. Disappointment and despair overcome them, and then they deny their society and all that is around them. In fact, some of them may commit crimes and sins because of that, and hence, they destroy themselves and all that is around them.
Your Eminence Sheikh al-Muhtadi al-Bahrani, regarding this information, what is your opinion about the phenomenon of spinsterhood?
The answer: What these scholars have mentioned is true, but the researchers must study the hidden reasons for this phenomenon, which has never been a big problem in the history of Islam.
I ask: who attracts women to work in the common fields with men? The problem originates from the minds that are separate from the Islamic mentality and have been educated with Western cultures and have come back to manage the life of the Muslims according to what those cultures inspired in them. Those cultures have all the means to make people Muslims by name only while they are very far from Islam in their behaviors of solving their psychological and social problems and their political and economical crises.
Foreign films and serials undoubtedly have a great and dangerous influence on the phenomenon of spinsterhood. The films that have been produced in Egypt are not any less in their bad influences on Muslim societies than those that have been produced in foreign studios. The Egyptian libertine films and serials have played a serious role in taking Muslims away from their Islamic values and in destroying their moral principles.
These films still affect the Arabic societies and serve the imperialistic plots there. Excessive dowries, denial of polygamy, encouragement of women to prefer divorce and spinsterhood in some way or another, justification of sins and family treason, and emphasis on the material aspects and indifference to the moral aspects in the marital life are Zionist goods that have been sold out to the public by the Egyptian films and serials. It is well-known that behind the cultural attack to corrupt the youth of the Islamic umma and to distribute the products of Zionist companies, like libertine films and other such things, are great foundations, abundant capitals, and hellish plans.
Of course, I am excluding the religious serials and good films that Egypt produces although, in comparison with the bad ones, they appear as withered flowers between huge thorns.
There is no doubt that spinsterhood has political, economical, and other reasons. The companies dealing with unlawful sex and its means are the first beneficiaries of deviations resulting from spinsterhood. The politicians of this material life and of sleepless nights also are beneficiaries, and they usually have authority over the media and culture. The reasons are interlaced and spinsterhood is one of the consequences of the great deviations of the umma.
As for the cure, it ought to be considered from four sides:
First, the state, which has the greatest abilities, can direct the culture of its people toward Islamic resolutions through schools, universities, and the media, especially through films and serials. It also has the ability to prevent economical foundations and establishments from exploiting spinsterhood by restricting employment of unmarried women in cabarets, ballrooms, and studios of libertine films and in their commercial requirements.
Second, charitable organizations can play a great role in resolving the problem of spinsterhood by collecting charities from good people and giving them to the youth whose poverty
prevents them from getting married. These organizations can also make use of the successful experiment of collective weddings, as do charitable organizations in some Islamic countries, where they arrange one party for the weddings of hundreds of couples.
Third, ulama and preachers play an important role in convincing society of the conception of the Sharia and the sunna of the Prophet (s) concerning the matter of polygamy and how a husband must be just to all of his wives equally. Explaining moral principles and emphasizing concepts like satisfaction, avoidance of selfishness and envy, contentment with the fate of Allah and His just determinations, regard for the afterlife, and management of worldly affairs according to reason and good morals will help the society do away with the problem of spinsterhood or limit it. What gives good news though is that when the temporary marriage (missyar), that has begun to find its way among the Sunni, is practiced according to its moral conditions, it will limit spinsterhood and secret debauchery; and if the temporary marriage of the Shia is also practiced according to its legal conditions, it will solve a great part of the problem.
Fourth, psychologists can play a great positive role in persuading society of the comprehensive resolutions of Islam if they first convince themselves of those resolutions and want, sincerely, to participate in resolving the problem. Finally, I suggest forming a committee including notables of each of these four sides to study the problem in all its dimensions and then generate suitable solutions and cooperate in implementing these solutions.
Question 99
It has been mentioned in Prophetic traditions that marriage is half of religion and it protects men and women from slipping into sexual corruptions. However, in our present age, we find married men and married women practicing adultery as they like. Is this a defect in the tradition or what?
What is strange is that some religious, married men are very lustful. How do you interpret this phenomenon?
The answer: There are several reasons behind this kind of corruption of married persons:
1. Sexual impotence of one of the spouses
2. Excessive lustfulness
3. Leisure, recklessness, and wealth
4. A wish for variety, discovering and tasting different kinds of things
5. A wish for revenge, where, for example, one of the spouses may practice adultery to take revenge on the other because of a quarrel between them or something like that
6. Poverty and need, i.e., a person may practice adultery to obtain some money
7. Dislike for the spouse because of unattractiveness or ignorance in practicing sexual intercourse
8. Seduction and slipping into adultery at a moment of neglect
What is common between these reasons is a weakness in faith or the absence of faith. Therefore, we always insist on strengthening religious motives in man and continuing to instruct, remind, and warn him.
As for the excessive lust of religious people, the matter is different, because a religious person, if he really is religious, can satisfy his sexual lust with his wife; otherwise, religion permits him to marry another wife either in permanent marriage or temporary marriage within the legal conditions of each type of marriage.
If we suppose the opposite that it is the wife who wants to satisfy her sexual lust but her husband is unable to satisfy her (and this is very rare among religious women or may be impossible), here, a religious wife should try to occupy herself
with something else and soon her excitement will go out. However, if she cannot satisfy herself with this resolution forever, she has two choices: either to agree with her husband to separate and get married to another man who is able to satisfy her sexual lust, although it is not recommended, or to be patient and satisfied with her fate based on "the important thing and the Most Important," and this is something praiseworthy.
It is thus if the lust is too strong and cannot be controlled except through these resolutions. But the advice that I would like to give to spouses in religious families is that they, in order to not fall into sins, should lower their sights before the provocations in the television, magazines, and streets and avoid heavy meals, which excite their lust.
Allah says, (Say to the believing men that they cast down their looks and guard their private parts; that is purer for them; surely Allah is Aware of what they do, and tell the believing women to lower their gaze and guard their private parts, and to display of their adornment only that which is apparent, and to draw their veils over their bosoms, and not to reveal their adornment 'save to their own husbands or fathers or husbands' fathers, or their sons or their husbands' sons, or their brothers or their brothers' sons or sisters' sons, or their women, or their slaves, or male attendants who lack vigor, or children who know naught of women's nakedness. And let them not stamp their feet so as to reveal what they hide of their adornment. And turn unto Allah together, 0 believers, in order that you may succeed). 1
A religious man and a religious woman, even if they lower their gazes, may look at something unwillingly, and then their lust would become excited despite their wills. In this case, Islam has recommended the following:
'If someone of you sees a beautiful woman and he admires her, let him go to sleep with his wife, because the pleasure is the
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1 Qur'an, 24:30-31.
same and what is got from sleeping with that woman is like what is got from sleeping with his wife.' 1
Islam has forbidden women and girls from displaying their charms even inside the house before their brothers, uncles, and even their fathers. Imam Ali (s) narrates that one day a young man came to the Prophet (s) and asked him, 'Should I ask my mother's permission when I want to come in to her?'
The Prophet (s) said to him, 'Do you want to see her without clothes?'
He said, 'No, I do not.'
The Prophet (s) said, 'Then, you should ask her permission.'
Then the young man asked, 'Can my sister uncover her hair before me?'
The Prophet (s) said, 'No, she cannot.'
The young man asked, 'Why?'
The Prophet (s) said, 'I fear for you that if she displays something of her charms before you, the Satan may provoke you. 2
We understand from this story that the Prophet (s) has perceived the power of lust in this young man, as in any other young man, and recommended that before such persons, charms must be covered to avoid excitement and sin.
One who observes social cases, marital treasons, sins, files of the courts, and the news of the terrible events of sexual rapes, even against children, discovers how wide the gap is between Muslims and the warnings of the Qur'an and the Prophet (s). If they were closer to the Qur'an and the Sunna, they would not live in quarrels, corruption, and disgrace.
Dear young men and young women, do not follow the steps of the Satan, because they will lead you to his traps. Fear Allah
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1 Rawdhat al-Muttaqeen, vol.8 p.245, the tradition is narrated from the Prophet (s).
2 Da a im al-Islam, vol.2 p.220.
secretly and openly, and let jealousy, abstinence, and wariness be your dress! Avoid scenes and situations that will incite your lusts to be safe from sins! Occupy yourselves with work, sport, and worships to be close to Allah, the Giver of happiness!
Question 100
It is customary that young men go and propose to young women. It is considered ugly among people when young women go and propose to young men, whereas we find the Qur'an saying, (... and a believing woman if she gave herself to the Prophet, if the Prophet desired to marry her- specially for you, not for the (rest of) believers). 1
My question is: which is right - what the Muslims did at the time of the Prophet (s) or what is customary in our present age?
The answer: Customs, sometimes, control the affairs of people while people have no choice in it. The position of Islam in this concern is that the more important thing has to be preferred to the important thing while preserving the benefits of people and moving gradually towards the teachings Islam has established.
Yes! This Qur'anic verse is clear in this concern. Imam al-Baqir (s) narrates that once a woman from Medina came to the Prophet (s) and said, '0 messenger of Allah, a woman does not go to engage a husband. I have been a widow for a long time and I have no child. Do you want me (to be your wife)? I have given myself to you if you accept me ...' 2.
This woman came to the Prophet (s) by herself and asked him to marry her, and the Prophet (s) neither chided her nor disapproved of her doing so. This means that this matter was natural in Islam. Besides, the Qur'an has mentioned this matter without any implication of ugliness. Khadeeja (s) herself asked the Prophet (s) to marry her, and she was the head lady of her time.
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1 Qur'an, 33:50.
2 Usool al-Kafi, vol.5 p.568.
A proposal made by a virgin or a widow is not prohibited in the Sharia, but customs have their respected position if they do not oppose the Islamic values. In fact, in our present time, there does not have to be a contradiction between customs and the wishes of a girl when she finds a suitable husband. The potential husband can be informed secretly of the wish of the girl. If he accepts, he can go and propose to the girl according to customs; otherwise, he should bury the matter and keep the secret forever. This is a trust and a traitor will be answerable on the Day of Resurrection. In this way, as I think, the two manners can be practiced together.
Question 101
I am a twenty-five year old girl. I have undergone an unsuccessful marriage that ended with divorce. My family prevents me from choosing my second marital life by myself. Legally, do they have the right to do that or am I free to choose my husband?
The answer: Legally, you are free to choose the husband whom you think will be suitable for you, but you would be better off, in order to live free from family troubles, to agree with your family in any way you find will have an influence on them.
Always decide to avoid what causes quarrels in your life, because a life full of quarrels and nervousness is nearer to death than to life.
Man lives happily with his family and relatives when he behaves with them leniently, smilingly, and wisely. It is wrong when man thinks of attaining happiness through violence, nervousness, enmity, and hatred. Those who think so are but moving corpses until a certain day.
Support for your situation in convincing your family of your free will in choosing is a saying of Imam as-Sadiq (s). When he was asked a question similar to yours, he said, 'She is worthier of herself. She can entrust a qualified one with her affairs if she
likes after she has got married to a husband before.' 1
Imam ar-Redha (s) has said, 'The permission of a virgin (concerning marriage) is her keeping silence and the permission of a widow or divorcee is up to her.' 2
And you should not forget that a family often prevents their daughter from choosing her husband by herself because they do not want her to be involved in another failure, for it is quite often that young girls and women are deceived by the nice words and shapes of men, and then when those men satisfy their desires with these women, they leave them to look for other victims. Therefore, Islam has emphasized the necessity of the interference of a father in the matter of marriage of a virgin because she has not had enough experience in this concern and she may be liable to be deceived more than divorcees or widows who have some experience in this matter.
Yes! There is a special exception that if a virgin is rational and prudent, and her father is ignorant and cannot decide for the advantage of his daughter, Islam permits her to choose a suitable husband by herself even if her father objects to her choice.
Ibn Abbas reports that one day a bondwoman came to the Prophet (s) and told him that her father had married her to somebody while she was unwilling and the Prophet (s) gave her the choice (either to accept her husband or to leave him). 3
Imam as-Sadiq (s) said, 'There is no problem in marrying a virgin if she agrees without her father's permission.' 4
In the light of this, our jurisprudents have given a fatwa that if a virgin's guardian prevents her from getting married to a qualified man whom she wants, her guardian's permission will
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1 Wassa'il ash-Shia, vol. 14 p.201.
2 Ibid., p.206.
3 Sunan of Ibn Maja, vol.' p.6o3.
4 Rawdhatul Muttaqeen, vol.14 p.214.
be of no effect. 1
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1 Urwatul Wuthqa, chap. Awliya' al-Aqd.
