Question 114
I want to be a successful wife. With what would you advise me to achieve my goal? Of course, this is the feeling of all married women. I hope they will benefit from your apposite advices.
The answer: Thank you for your noble feelings; and as for The answer: First, assign an hour of your time every day to review and ponder over your qualities. Get rid of your bad qualities and strengthen the good ones. You should, first and foremost, get rid of the ones that invite you towards disobedience and sin because these will destroy your happiness and throw your life into torment.
Second, assign some hours for worship! In order to make your worship fruitful, recite the Holy Qur'an meditatively and read some good Islamic books, especially those that concern your life directly.
Third, for the sake of the goal to which you aspire, you should observe the following values:
1. mutual understanding and using nice words and fine comments when talking with your husband
2. pardoning and overlooking trivial things
3. not following the husband and watching his goings and comings
4. caring for the cleanliness of the house and clothes and putting everything in its place especially that which belongs to the husband
5. using good perfumes and wearing nice clothes
6. showing love for him and for the life with him and for everything he likes if it pleases Allah
7. asking him about his worries and griefs and asking him to uncover to you whatever is in his heart if he wants to reveal it but without insisting on it or being angry if he refuses to reveal his secrets
8. being kind and humble in treating his relatives
9. relying on Allah in any case and not being angry or upset when facing difficulties You should always remember that practicing these values will bear fruit if you behave naturally without pretence, though artificiality of manner is the beginning of learning.
Question 115
My husband was a rich man, but later on his wealth was lost in a terrible economical crisis. After that his morals, mentality, and conducts changed. His face became angry, and his tongue uttered bad words. He threatened anyone and anything at any excitement. Our house became like hell, and our relatives and people decreased their visits to us and some of them stopped visiting us at all. I cannot help him except through speech, which does not change or reform him. Please, what would you advise me to do in order to save him and my children from the effects of this crisis?
The answer: In order to recover, your husband has to:
1. believe in asceticism and subject himself to it. It has been mentioned in a tradition that "he, who renounces the worldly pleasures, makes little of misfortunes". Imam Ali (s) has said, 'All asceticism is between two words in the Qur'an. Allah has said, (So that you may not grieve for what has escaped you, nor be exultant at what He has given you). 1 He who does not grieve for the past nor becomes glad at the future practices asceticism from its two sides.'
2. strengthen his belief in the will and fate of Allah. Imam asSajjad (s) is reported to have said, '0 my Lord ... delight my soul through Thy decree, expand my breast through the instances of Thy wisdom, give to me a trust through which I admit that Thy decree runs only to the best...'.
3. ponder over the dimensions of this tradition narrated by Imam al-Baqir (s), 'whoever keeps people safe from his anger Allah will keep him safe from the torment of the Day of
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1 Qur'an, 57:23.
Resurrection. 1 I He who ponders on this tradition will not throw himself into the torment of the afterlife after getting out of the torment of this life in order to not lose both.
4. know that the Giver is Allah and the Withholder is Allah too and know that a part of material losses belongs to man himself. Many times the losses come after having disobeyed Allah by lying, cheating, doing wrong, wasting, excessive misspending, and abstaining from giving the deserving people their legal dues. I do not ascribe these qualities to your husband, but I invite him to review the reasons of which lie is aware and then try to reform himself first. If he truly reforms himself, Allah will grant him great livelihood again and abundantly.
5. Imam Zayn al-Aabideen (as-Sajjad) (s) said, 'good saying increases one's wealth, grows livelihood, delays death, makes one beloved to relatives, and enters him into Paradise.' 2
6. convince himself that losing wealth is much easier than losing one's children or family and the loss of wealth is easier than the loss of health. Nothing is more precious than good morals and comfortable nerves, by which wealth and glory can be regained.
I pray to Allah to grant us a happy life with lawful wealth, even if it is little, and to keep us away from unlawful wealth, even if it is a lot, because it increases grief and distress and does away with the sweetness of living with loved ones and close relatives.
Question 116
What is the cure for sexual impotence, and what are its causes? My wife has begun thinking of divorce because I am frigid and impotent.
The answer: There are many causes behind sexual impotence:
1. neurotic fatigue
2. addiction to alcohol, drugs, and smoking
3. practicing masturbation during the period before
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1 Usool al-Kafi, vol.2, p.305.
2 Al-Amali by as-Sadooq, the first tradition.
marriage
4. absent-mindedness
5. a defect in the testicles
6. practicing excessive businesses and interests like trade, reading, watching films, and offering excessive individual worships
7. misunderstanding the woman's sexual need or being indifferent to her need
8. the wife's weak sexual culture or her lack of beauty or exciting body
9. certain kind of foods
As for the cure, each cause has its own particular cure. Before all, one who is sexually impotent must discern the cause of his case, and then he should try to cure it. Neurotic fatigue, for example, can be cured by strengthening one's faith in Allah. It is not right to utilize tranquillizers because most of the time they leave dangerous effects on man's health.
The following foods have great effects in strengthening the nerves: honey with ginger, pepper, saffron, the cooked head of a cow or sheep, beets cooked in milk, mulberries, bananas, eggs with onion, mutton, carrots, pears, grapes, liver, sweet pomegranates, and endives.
As for the cure for addiction, abstaining from its causes can cure it. There are certain methods to assist in this, the key of which is first and foremost the will and determination of the addict himself.
As for masturbation, if a person practices it excessively during his youth, it will be difficult for him to restore his sexual power quickly, unless if he begins practicing morning sports, climbing mountains, and taking cold baths.
Some doctors think that those persons who have practiced masturbation deprive themselves of sexual pleasure in the marital relationship.
As for the rest of the causes, we say that a person should care for himself and cure his state before his problems grow and their complications destroy him.
The wife has to help her husband cure himself because the train of the marital life will not arrive at the stations of happiness and bliss without participation, cooperation, and mutual understanding.
As for thinking about divorce, it is a sign of selfishness and lack of morals, and this does not befit a Muslim woman except when the motives of divorce are legal, like when the husband neglects to cure himself while he is able to do it. Then, divorce is excusable and it is a just recompense for this husband.
Question 117
Is temporary marriage lawful or unlawful? If it is lawful, then why do people dislike it? And if it is unlawful, then why is it unlawful? Would you please answer frankly? Thanks a lot.
The answer: Permanent marriage is the basis for this answer. The sexual instinct is the strongest in man after the instinct of living. This instinct must be satisfied in the below-mentioned cases; otherwise, it will cause bad complications. Temporary marriage can be practiced under the following conditions:
1. the inability to secure a permanent marriage because of financial difficulties or not finding a qualified spouse
2. the impossibility of making love with the wife because of her illness or something else
3. traveling or being away from one's homeland
Since the view of Islam of the needs of man is a real, curative, and purposeful view, Islam therefore has made temporary marriage lawful according to this clear Qur'anic verse, (And those of whom you seek content (by marrying them temporarily), give unto them their portions as a duty. And there is no blame on you in what you do by mutual agreement after the duty (path been done). Lo! Allah is ever Knower,
Wise). 1
It suffices us to ponder on the two words "Knower, Wise" to see that there is a wisdom behind the lawfulness of temporary marriage in Islam, for Allah is aware of the actual need of man and He is wise in making things lawful or unlawful.
The end of the next verse confirms what we have said. The verse reads, (This is for him among you who fears to commit sin). 2 He who fears to fall into sin because of his lust should practice temporary marriage though patience is better for one who can be patient.
The next two verses confirm this meaning where Allah shows His great mercy and accurate wisdom on the one hand, and on the other hand, He uncovers the mean goals of those who prohibit the lawful blessings of Allah.
Allah says, (And Allah desires that He should turn to you (mercifully), and those who follow (their) lusts desire that you should deviate (with) a great deviation. Allah desires that He should make light your burdens, and man is created weak). 3 Man has been created weak when it comes to his lusts and desires. It has been declared by the Creator, Who is aware of what benefits man and what corrupts him when He makes one thing lawful and prohibits another. Things are declared lawful to satisfy man's weakness before those lusts and desires, and things are declared unlawful to protect him from what weakens him and destroy his happiness. Umar bin al-Khattab has confirmed the lawfulness of temporary marriage at the time of the Prophet (s) when he prohibited it according to his personal opinion. He has announced, as mentioned in the sources of our Sunni brothers, "Iwo pleasures were permitted at the time of the messenger of
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1 Qur'an, 4:24.
2 Qur'an, 4:25.
3 Qur'an, 4:27-28.
Allah, but I prohibit them and will beat people for practicing them.' 1
In our sources, his saying has been mentioned as the following: 'Two pleasures were lawful at the time of the messenger of Allah, but I prohibit them and will punish for them.' 2
Jabir bin Abdullah al-Ansari, the great companion of the Prophet, in the Sunni sources likewise, has said, 'we practiced temporary marriage at the time of the Prophet (s), of Abu Bakr, and Umar, and then Umar prohibited it.' 3
Imam Ali (s) has commented on Umar's decision by saying, 'If Umar had not prohibited temporary marriage, no one would have committed adultery except a scoundrel.' 4
This is an accurate social analysis, which every researcher in sociology and psychology arrives at. Because of these proofs, the followers of Imam. Ali (s) did not pay attention to Umar's decision in order to not fall into adultery, wretchedness, and psychological and physical diseases of suppression, while most of those who heeded Umar's decision and disliked practicing temporary marriage, whether from the Sunni or the Shia, fell into those sins and diseases. Consequently, the result of prohibiting and disliking temporary marriage is that the sexual lust forces some people to commit adultery and forces others to suppress their lust and face psychological diseases, except those whom Allah has protected and they are very few.
How odd it is to see that in Muslim societies, people do not consider adultery, ballrooms of the naked, scandals of the hotels, cabarets, and buildings in whose rooms are practiced all kinds of perversion as ugly while they consider temporary marriage, which Allah has made lawful and which Muslims have practiced during the time of the Prophet (s), Abu Bakr, and a period of Umar's caliphate and which the Muslims who
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1vKanzol Ummal, vol.i6 p.521.
2 Tafsir Majma' al-Bayan, vol.3 p.32.
3 Kanzol Ummal, vol.i6 p.523.
4 Tafsir Majma' al-Bayan, vol.3 p.32.
disregarded Umar's prohibition have practiced, as ugly!
Who do you think is behind this silence or this encouragement of corruption and open debauchery? Who is behind denying the lawful blessing that Allah has determined as a mercy for Muslims and as a protection from falling into sins?
Is it not shameful recklessness and mockery at the Qur'an and the Sunna? Who is responsible for that and who should defend the Qur'an and the Sunna?
"It would be better for those who look for the welfare of man to have had freedom as ibn Umar has had. Ibn Umar often practiced temporary marriage. He was blamed for that. It was mentioned to him that his father (Umar bin al-Khattab) had prohibited it. He said, 'I just have followed the saying of my father because he has said, 'Two pleasures were lawful at the time of the Prophet (s), but I prohibit them and punish for them.' I abide by his tradition and leave his own opinion to him."
A lesson must be taken from this saying of ibn Umar. The Ulama should not emulate anyone having an opinion opposed to the Qur'an or the sayings of the Prophet (s). Fanaticism should not lead them to turn their backs on the Book of Allah and the Sunna of the Prophet (s), for they will spoil the general welfare and cause corruption. This does not befit any one, especially not the people of knowledge. If some people of the Middle Ages were so, the people of this age, in which freedom of speech is of the highest value, must be far above such conducts.
They should not be like the judge Yahya bin Aktham, about whom Ibn Khillikan has cited in his book (Wafiyyat al-A'yan) some verses of poetry that were composed to censure the Abbasids for their employment of Yahya as their judge:
"I do not think oppression will end
as long as there is a ruler from the Abbasids for the umma.
They bring Yahya to run their politics,
while Yahya is not a politician.
He determines punishment for adultery,
while he considers a sodomite as not to be blamed."
It has been reported that once al-Ma'moon (the Abbasid caliph) saw Yahya play with a beautiful young Turk boy, insert his hand between the boy's clothes and body, and do other things to him saying, 'Had you not been there, we would have been faithful.'
Then al-Ma'moon commented on this event by reciting:
"I wished I saw justice spread everywhere,
but after my hope, I became desperate.
When shall the world and its people be good,
while the judge of the judges of the Muslims commits sodomy?"
Yahya was so bad and was infamous for committing sodomy. However, when al-Ma'moon announced that temporary
marriage was lawful and addressed Umar by saying, 'Who are you...to prohibit what the messenger of Allah has made lawful?', Yahya bin Aktham resisted him (al-Ma'moon) and began roving in the countries to incite people against him and to criticize him because he had permitted what Umar had prohibited. This dullness and blind fanaticism lose sight of the general welfare, bring corruption, and deny the mission of Prophet Muhammad (s) as the last of missions, because belief in the last prophethood and last mission of Prophet Muhammad (s) means believing that it is a sufficient Sharia to rule human beings and to satisfy all their needs however much they and their lives change. Thus, the ulama should be like ibn Umar. They should not emulate just anything. They should give fatwas according to the Qur'an and the Sunna of the Prophet (s), even if they have to oppose their fathers. They should not be like those who say, (We found our fathers on a course, and surely we are guided by their footsteps). 1 The rulers of the
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1 Qur'an, 43:22.
Muslims should also be brave like al-Ma'moon for the sake of the general welfare. They should legislate laws according to the Qur'an and the Sunna, even if they contradict the laws of those who have preceded them. Thus, goodness will spread and corruption will be denied. 1
Hence, we have confidently confirmed our clear opinion:
1. Temporary marriage is lawful according to the Qur'an and the Sunna and according to the confession of Umar that it was lawful at the time of the Prophet (s) but it was he who had prohibited it. Perhaps, he might have meant to prohibit it during his rule only, and so it was a temporary prohibition. Then, for what is this insistence on following this prohibition while the Qur'an and the Sunna have declared the lawfulness of temporary marriage? Is it to keep the doors of adultery wide open before furious lusts?
Many faithful men and faithful women live suppressed between their natural lusts and the suffering of difficulties and pains in order for it to not be said that they have practiced temporary marriage! Is this not ignorance that the believing men and women have been afflicted with?
For us, the Shia, temporary marriage is lawful. Once, Imam alBaqir (s) was asked about temporary marriage and he said, 'Allah has made it lawful in His Book and through His prophet (s). It is lawful until the Day of Resurrection.' 2 And this refutes the false sense of its unlawfulness.
2. Temporary marriage is recommendable. It is reported that Imam as-Sadiq (s) said, 'It is recommended for a man to practice temporary marriage. I do not like for any man of you to leave this world without having practiced temporary marriage at least once.' 3 This also refutes the false impermissibility of temporary marriage.
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1 Islam is the way of Happiness and Peace, by Sheikh Muhammad al-Khalisi, p.186-188.
2 Usool al-Kafi, vol.5 p.449.
3 Bihar al-Anwar, vol. 103 p.305.
To confirm the recommendations of temporary marriage, it has been narrated in traditions that the fall of the drops of water with which one performs ghusl 1 after having slept with his wife in a temporary marriage is an excuse for his sins to be forgiven. It is also mentioned that Allah has prohibited alcohol for this Umma and has instead permitted temporary marriage.
3. The abuse of temporary marriage by some people is possible, but this does not justify prohibiting it or considering it ugly. Because there are many legal verdicts that people of weak faith can exploit for the sake of their bad personal benefits, is it right to annul these verdicts just because of this reason? Certainly not! These verdicts must be practiced according to their Islamic rules and morals to be lawful in the full sense of the word.
4. As for the one who has a wife in a permanent marriage, it is hated for him to omit her rights for the sake of the wife of a temporary marriage. It may be unlawful in this case if temporary marriage causes him to neglect his wife of permanent marriage and usurp her rights.
Therefore, Imam ar-Redha (s) said, 'It (temporary marriage) is absolutely lawful and permissible thing for one who is unable to get married. Let him protect himself through temporary marriage. If he is able to get married, it (temporary marriage) is permissible to him when he is absent from his permanent wife.' 3
In short, temporary marriage is legally and rationally permissible in all cases unless it leads to disregard for the permanent wife, which means ignoring her sexual rights.
Though temporary marriage is permissible, it is not appropriate for one to practice it excessively until he becomes famous for it among people. One should pay careful attention
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1 Ghusl is ritual ablution required after making love or having a wet dream.
2 Safeenat al-Najat, chap. MATA'A.
3 Usool al-Kafi, vol.5 p.45, Wassa'iI ash-Shia, vol.14 p.449.
to the moral aspects. He should be moderate and avoid indecency.
Let us be realistic and not follow our fancies to establish verdicts against the verdicts of Allah. A pious one never does that. I ask the readers, who are protective of their religion, to follow what Allah and His messenger have permitted because we are in an age where adultery is desired by many people and where looking lustfully at girls and women by non-mahrams has become the adultery of the eye, which causes problems of another kind.
However, even with all these recommendations and confirmations of the lawfulness of temporary marriage, I do not invite people to practice it except those who are in dire need of it, and then they must follow the juristic and moral conditions of it.
Question 118
Is there a sexual culture in Islam? In other words, does Islam teach its followers the practical way of practicing sexual intercourse between spouses?
My question stems from a discussion with one of my friends who says that Islam is far above such trivial matters!
I think that the sexual culture, from which several marital matters arise besides the safety of the offspring, is not considered trivial. What is your opinion about the subject?
The answer: Islam has not ignored the issue of sexual education. In our traditions there are clear talks about this matter. Imam ar-Redha (s) said, 'Do not make love with a woman except after you have played with her a good deal and have played with her breasts. When you do that, her lust will be excited and her organs will secrete, because her secretion begins from her breasts and her lust appears on her face ...' 1
Imam Ali (s) said, 'If one of you wants to sleep with his wife, let
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1 Mustadrak wassa'il ash-Shia, vol.2 p.545.
him not hurry (in satis7ing his lust) because women have some needs (to be satisfied). 1
The Prophet (s) said, 'If someone of you makes love with his wife, let him not withdraw until she satisfies her need just as he likes her to satisfy his need.' 2
There was a situation with one of the Prophet's great companions, Uthman bin Madh'oon. Once, his wife came to the Prophet (s) and said to him, '0 messenger of Allah, Uthman fasts during the day and offers worships all night. (It was a metonymy that he did not meet her sexual rights).' The Prophet (s) went out angrily holding his shoes until he came to Uthman, who was offering prayers. Uthman finished his prayers and then saw the Prophet (s) who said, '0 Uthman, Allah has not sent me with monasticism, but He has sent me with an easy religion. I fast, offer prayers, and sleep with my wives. Whoever loves my nature let him follow my Sunna, and making love (lawfully) is from my Sunna.' 3
The traditions reported from the Prophet (s) and Ahlul Bayt (s) show the necessity of separating the beds of boys and girls and for having everyone sleep in his/her own bed because contact between boys and girls incites the sexual lust and causes premature sexual ripeness.
The traditions also talk about the necessity of paying attention to the suitable age of kissing children. The Prophet (s) said, 'When a girl becomes six years old, she should not be kissed by a man, and a boy should not be kissed by a woman if he exceeds sevens years old.'
The traditions emphasize the importance of knocking on the door and asking permission before entering the room of two spouses. The spouses also must be careful when sleeping together that no adult or child hears their sighs or other sounds.
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1 Wassa'il ash-Shia, vol. 14 p.83.
2 Kanzol Ummal, vol.16 p.344.
3 Wassa'il ash-Shia, vol. 14 p.74.
Imam as-Sadiq (s) narrated that the Prophet (s) said, 'I swear by Him in Whose hand my soul is that if a man makes love with his wife while there is an alert boy or girl in the house who sees them or hears their speaking or sighing, he/she will not succeed at all. If it is a boy, he will become an adulterer, and if it is a girl, she will become an adulteress.' 1
You notice that sexual education has been mentioned in the teachings of the Prophet (s) and the infallible Imams of Ahlul Bayt (s) but in polite words and purified phrases, away from indecorousness or incitement of one's imagination as we find in the Western cultures and books of sex, whose destructive effects are more than their advantages. In fact, what is intended by those cultures are those very destructive effects.
Question 119
My father has taken another wife. My mother is angry with him, and I am confused between them. From one side and according to my belief, I see that Islam does not permit anything unless there is a benefit in it, and from another side and according to the reality, I have pity on my mother though I do not approve of her anxiety, which may be the reason that led my father to get married to another wife. Would you please guide me with which of these views I should adopt?
I hope that you will give me a glance at the subject of polygamy and the problems that result from it. How can Islam, by permitting polygamy, want to solve problems whereas we find more problems in polygamy? The answer: As you said, Islam does not permit anything unless there are advantages in it, but those advantages are not achieved except by studying the subject in a real and comprehensive way. If getting married to a second, third, or fourth wife is just to satisfy a sexual desire without other humane purposes, it will not achieve the sought after advantages besides the motive, which will languish after the
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1 Wassa'il ash-Shia, vol. 14 p.94.
sexual intercourse and will then be replaced by problems that will destroy everything even the pleasure of sex itself. Islam is very wise in permitting polygamy, but as for the appropriate situations and times to practice it, they will only be realized by the man who has been brought up under the shadow of Islam itself, and the one who does not care for justice (in dealing with his wives) will face many difficulties and be in a critical situation.
The Prophet (s) said, 'He, who has two wives but does not treat them equally concerning sentiment and financial affairs, will come on the Day of Resurrection handcuffed and bent over, and then he will enter into the Fire.' 1
Following Islam according to practical conditions definitely solves all psychological and social problems, whether those of individuals or families. But following Islam according to one's mood and worldly desires takes one to the forbidden division and complicates his problems.
An understanding Muslim woman would be better off submitting to the verdicts of the Sharia to emerge from the trial successfully; otherwise, she will be resurrected with those who deny the Sunna of the Prophet (s) and the verdicts of Islam.
Just as envy is a bad quality that one should drive away from his heart and conducts, so is the jealousy of women. When a wife harms her husband by doing something wrong out of jealousy, she violates the moral and legal limits.
Imam Ali (s) said, 'The jealousy of woman is unbelief and the jealousy of man is belief.' 2 Would a Muslim woman accept to bring herself unbelief?
Imam al-Baqir (s) explained the above-mentioned tradition by saying, 'The jealousy of women is envy and envy is the origin of unbelief. When women become jealous, they become angry, and when they become angry, they disbelieve except the faithful
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1 Mizan al-Hikma, vol. 4 p.291.
2 Nahjol Balagha, short maxims.
ones of them.' 1
Dear sister, do not live in confusion. For what is this confusion? Your father has chosen his way, and he is a part of you and you are a part of him. Your legal duty is clear. You have to be kind to both of your parents equally and with no difference, but with more help and respect for your mother because she is weaker and more tired as you say.
Give advice to your mother and father whenever you find a suitable opportunity. Tell them that a Muslim is one who submits to the verdicts of Islam and does not obey his desires and his personal opinions instead of obeying Allah.
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1 Wassa'il ash-Shia, vol.14 p.110.
