Family book

Child

Author : Mohamed A. Khalfan

The sports teacher is asking the boy if he would like to join the school sports. The boy curves his lips into an uncertain shy smile as he turns to his father who promptly obliges with a reply: "yes; certainly yes". The teacher is now asking the boy direct- ly what sports he is fancying and the boy again turns to his father with the repetition of that clumsy smile on his face. The father replies: "Cricket. Yes, he should like it".

The teacher is asking the boy: "Which team"? And the father replies: "The Green". The teacher now turns to the father and inquires if cricket is the boy's own choice because it requires a good deal of learning and practicing and that meant also thinking………by him!

As the couple were leaving the sports ground, the father wished there was someone to assure him that the teacher was not rude to him, and that someone could only be the boy who had heard the teacher's last remark in the conversation, but then he sighed - if only the boy was thinking the same thing! No, the boy was not because he was not let to do thinking. He was affectionately being protected from making wrong decisions by not letting him make any decisions.

Teach the child the practice of thinking. Once the practice is mastered, he will then do more than thinking. He will learn and want to reflect and ponder "naturally" which is not always normal with all adults! No wonder, Islam wants the believers to exercise the independence of mind in order to cultivate conviction about Truth (Haq).

The Qur'an compares those who do not think as worse than the vilest of animals. "Surely, the vilest of animals in Allah's sight, are the deaf, the dumb who do not think". (8:22).

With the practice of thinking rooted, the mind will be prone to critical scrutiny:

and independent judgment. Such mind will not easily be susceptible to the out- side or alien influence especially in the present age of electronic media which is employed to control the mind of the viewers and manipulate "public opinion" to suit the establishments with vested interests. With mind shielded, values remain intact and decisions pop up prompt and sound.

In Two Hands

With the rein of mind tight in one's own two hands, the child when adult, will not waver or be fickle in making important decisions judiciously. He will not borrow for himself decisions from others who can never put themselves squarely in his place; will never take refuge in the false safety of a status quo and leave matters unresolved simply because to him, to take the initiative of making decision is to gamble.

The passage of this life is punctuated with problems. When a problem is born approach it to dictate your terms before it grows big enough to approach you and dictate its terms while looking down on you with your back to the wall. But that calls for an immediate and bold decision-making capacity. Good many people lack it because they as children were not allowed to build it up. They were not taught to think.

So engage the child in the exercise of decision-making on matters that concern him, though he should fully know that the final decision is the parents'. Would he prefer a school bus with a larger seating capacity or smaller and why? A lunch box to the school or money for purchase from the school canteen and why?

Should he choose a desk right in front tomorrow when he. with other students, moves to a promoted class? Would he want his bed placed this way or that? These are only examples and there arise a number of occasions for such decision-making.

Result Is Stupendous

The result is stupendous in terms of fast thinking and self-confidence. The parents will often find the child coming up with certain requests in which there are options and he had already considered all of them and preferred one with ready reasons, even if the reasons are weak or bad. This is true as the child grows up.

A child so trained, when faced with a proposal from his teenage friends for a leisure programme out, which does not seem quite alright, will say: "No" on his own authority instead of the meek: "No, my parents will not approve of it".

The exercise will naturally include the situations where the child will consider also the economic options with a view to saving money. This is because in the course of the engagement in the exercise of reasoning and decision-making the issue of money will be surfacing and he will have learnt in some degrees the discipline in money management.

A child who has not been raised to think and therefore, to do reasoning invites emotions to help and fill the gap. As adult, he is likely to make worse decisions for himself more through emotions than reasoning. The road to hell in this life is paved with emotional decisions!

A child on his first day in the school leaves his desk, walks to his class teacher and whispers to her something which she fails to understand until later. The child was using that funny word which was coined for him by the parents for "toilet" since he was a toddler.

Perhaps the child even at the schooling age was still being soothed to sleep with the lullaby songs! He was not let to grow up mentally also. It is a real problem facing the child if he is the only child in the family.

Talk to the child -almost - as you would to an adult. Do not under-estimate his grasping power. Even if. his grasping level "seems" low, this approach will trigger it up. It will develop at a greater pace.

When the child inquires. as he would often do as any inquisitive child, about the natural phenomena or historical events or a simmering political issue or a debate raging among adults on a social or communal issue or any aspect of Islam, do not ignore him believing that they are beyond his grasp; nor provide a cursory or simplistic explanation to reveal that you find him not worthy for a full and sincere answer.

By doing so, you will be impressing upon him quite disastrously that he is mentally too far behind for this "information" or that the subjects inquired are the exclusive purview of the adults and that he should not be trespassing such mental domains of "others". When the child catches up as an adult, he will be having too many other new and intimate things to inquire and know about and.

perhaps not any more those that he had asked about and was spurned. Is it wonder therefore, that we have among us adults who have shallow or no knowledge about the causes of the natural phenomena!

like earthquake, volcano, eclipse, lunar vis a vis solar calendars or the two world wars or slavery or the origin of his sect, etc. An inquisitive mind of a child is also retentive. It is a different mind when he is later in a primary school.

Never ask the child to leave the adults' company in the lounge and go to his room when visitors have arrived on a courtesy call or a social visit. On the contrary, grab the opportunity by asking him to leave the recluse of his room and join the group. The purpose is manifold and the results diverse. Develops Personality.

Let the child witness and learn what the adults talk about and how they talk or argue. He will find that they do not interject, they do not all talk at the same time. they do not raise their voice, they do not swear. In fact the child may find that the behaviour of the visitor or visitors is refined and polished as compared to that of his parents! Do not fail to introduce him to the visitors if they are meeting him for the first time.

This gives him a self-confidence and with it, develops his personality. His presence in the adult group will create in him an appetite for adult-subjects.

In the course of talk, create a suitable opportunity of raising a subject of the child's interest, like his studies, school, madrassa, sports and ask him for a latest information in order to join him in the talk of the group and break the ice. Or ask him for information which will be of interest to the visitors and which you know he has. like:

"what do we have for our guests -hot or cold"? or "I forgot, who preached last Thursday"? or "What was the subject of the preaching"?

In fact there can be a number of likely current and pertinent information that the child can be asked. The psychological effect is startling. He will perceive himself a knowledgeable part of the, adult group. But at the same time do not detain him longer if the visitors are boring f or the anchor types!

The typical child's shyness will evaporate paving way for the in-flow of self,-confidence. The child on approaching the youth age is most likely to engage in matured conversation on his own right with the adults who are a generation or two ahead.

He will have broaden his horizon and enhanced his vision of what the world is all about and tailor his social inter-action accordingly ahead of his age.

How disturbing instead to find some parents still using that funny word coined for "wash-room" for the child when he was a toddler! The child is not allowed to grow mentally.

Live on Wits

The whole purpose is to prepare the child mentally for the responsibilities of the earthly life and spiritual obligations much earlier while others of his age are behind and in the hard way of self-preparation -so that he fares better.

Remember, this is a cold cruel world after all. Those who live on the wits of certainties and self-confidence survive better than those on the vicissitudes of chances.

In about the year 1954 a public meeting was convened for the purpose of forming a Tenants Association and seeking legislation to protect the interest of the tenants.

When a reporter asked why a young boy of about 22 was elected to the responsible I post of the Secretary, the Chairman of about 60 replied that the boy too came for- ward and spoke his mind seeing himself equal to those elderly who spoke their mind; and that they all being equal, the big difference in his age was the plus point for his unopposed election!

According to the holy Qur'an, one earns according to what one struggles for. "And that man shall have nothing but what he strives for"(53:39). Age is not a barrier. Parents should steer and set the child onto the fields of struggle. Taqwa is a crucial one among such fields: "And whoever desires the hereafter and strives for it as he ought to strive and he is a believer; (as for) these, their striving shall surely be accepted. " (17: 19).

It is reported that in a community of boat people somewhere in a Far East jungle, children are let into the water and learn to float, like adults, even before they can walk!

A prisoner misbehaving in the prison is sometimes punished by a confinement in a solitary cell. Sometimes the prisoner shouts to satisfy himself that he spoke. at least to the wall.

The human ability to speak is the Creator's blessing. To be able to speak in as many languages as possible is even a greater blessing. To prevent a person from speaking at all or for a period of time is an emotional agony. It is for this reason that a patient who is in a coma is more likely to show an eager sign of some slight response temporarily when spoken to repeatedly.

Do you allow your child to speak?

Speak? Indeed he does -loud and clear -and perhaps. at times. Incessantly; but not in as many languages as his parents speak or his grand-parents spoke. And there can be no valid reasons for it except that the parents never thought about the importance of the tradition of teaching the child all the family-languages as a resplendent string of a family-legacy.

It is said that a child can acquire the ability to speak up to seven languages by the age of nine if he is faced with the necessity of communicating in those languages for this daily needs -such is the natural propensity or aptitude for languages in a child - while he is a child -and this is by the divine design of the Creator not without a purpose. Examples of four languages are not rare yet in certain communities in East Africa. What does the holy Qur'an reveal to us about this?

"And one of His signs is the creation of the heaven and the earth and the diversity of your tongues and colours; most surely there are signs in this for the learned"(30:22) Legacy of Languages.

There are other communities too across the world who speak more than one language, - three or four. This comes about because the parents and teachers in the communities speak with the children in the languages which the parents know. The result is a legacy of languages in the family not for the sake of it, but for ensuring that the children, who will later find themselves in their life on their own, are well equipped for a competitive and gainful interaction in the human society. Speaking more than one language is a social accomplishment.

The slaves on their transportation across the Atlantic were laid down flat and chained together in the tiered bunks like tinned salmon (fish). They had to be brought up onto the upper deck of the ship periodically for a short spell of the essential sunshine and physical exercise. The only possible weapon they could have and of which the captain and the crew were afraid was the knowledge of more than one tribal language among the slaves.

They were shipped in such groups as would comprise them of different tribes speaking one different language so as to daunt any attempt of staging a mutiny with the precision planning and timing. This was because communication is power; the more the language-media for it, the stronger the base of this power.

Language As an Asset

For a person speaking more languages is a socio-cultural asset with economic dimensions. Every language is a worthy component of the asset. This asset is enviable by those who as a community or a nation speak only one language - generation after generation.

To let the child gain the asset during the period of early childhood is within the control of the parents who themselves have so gained. When the period of childhood is over, and if the child has not been let to gain the asset in the family in continuation of the legacy, a 'crime' will have been committed against the child by no others than his own parents. The child when adult will have no legacy of 'competitiveness in languages' to pass on. The child will remember the parents, not kindly, for this thoughtless and myopic omission or, worse still, parental negligence.

An Indian mother sits on the floor with her legs stretched close together. She lays her baby on her lap with its head resting on her knees. And the exercise or "ritual" of massaging and caressing of the entire body of the baby begins with a liberal use of oil, abundant manifestation of affection and derivation of pleasure; and this goes on and on. She never seems to tire while the oil lasts -though no spot has been missed. The baby responds to the caressing and cooing by the mother - by purring like a kit- ten who has its neck tickled.

This is a common scene in homes in India and Pakistan; and was so in East Africa too. Whether the traditional massage with "religious regularity" during the infancy is a culture or a healthcare or both, the distinct significance and effect of the mother's touch and caress on the baby cannot be under-estimated.

I would call the culture "Touch & - Tie" for it is believed to have the effect of tying the baby subconsciously in devotion and loyalty towards the mother and the family for ) manifestation prominently later in his adult life.

Touch & Caress

It should not be viewed as surprising if some of the small children in an orphanage are on occasions seen leaving their separate beds at night to join others asleep in their separate beds. The touch of legs or hands provides the satisfaction of human- warmth and a sense of security when the touch and caress from their mothers are missing.

Reportedly, patients in hospitals appear to be closer and warmer to their physiotherapists than their general physicians whose services. on the other hand, are even more important to them.

The spell of quality-life a person has is during the infancy period of touch and caress at the time of breast-feeding -without however, being able to realize or quantify the benefits of its effect on his adult life later. Fortunately, no one normally misses the spell. What can be missing is a complimentary benefit from the touch and caress through massaging during that period.

Oil massage is messy, of course, to that mother who is unprepared for it; and so is 'cooking', but then the family needs affection and loyalty as much as the 'daily food'. How interesting! Is it not the mutual affection and loyalty within the family which also ensures the provision of daily food for all in the family?

A child was visited at home by his friend. That night the child declined to sleep in his room. He insisted on joining the parents in their bedroom. The fear of his room was triggered when the friend asked the child if he was not afraid to sleep so close to a window when ghosts and spirits peep directly into the room.

The tactful approach to the situation should have been for the parents to accede to what the child had pleaded for, at least, for that night knowing that such fears wear off or become much less the next day. Instead they thought it a good opportunity to enforce the parental discipline over the child so that he abandons what was perceived as a "sissy" trait. The parents, after a peaceful sleep with no sense of guilt, woke up in the morning fully

pleased with the result of their "putting the foot down". And they would not ask the child how he slept because that would have undermined the disciplinary strategy of the night.

Indeed Why?

Needless to say, the child was restless that night because - he was a human-child, - and if only the parents knew that! "Why believe in a ghost or spirit when you have seen none and will see none of them ever in your life"? The father's argument kept ringing in the child's ears; and he would ask himself: "Indeed why"?

The child was betraying nothing more than a simple natural fear of an Unseen -never seen before -because he, as human, has been created in the nature of readily believing in the Unseen that Unseen which basically includes Allah, Angels, Jinnat (Spirits) and Shaitaan CSatan). No Wonder that the fundamental teaching in Islam is "AI- Imaan bil Ghaib" that is, "the Belief in the Unseen".CVerse 2:3).

Therefore, the human nature makes a wood-cutter instinctively cry out when his axe accidentally falls sharply on his foot, though he is all alone in the forest. The instinct in its reflex response makes him, the created, to cry out to his Creator, the Unseen.

Fear -Mental Normalcy

The subject of "Al-ghaib" reveals one thoughtful aspect for discussion here. Fear! It is part of the instinct for self-preservation or survival. It is not something that a child can be made ashamed of. In fact, manifestation of fear is a welcome sign of a mental normalcy in him.

The parents should instead keep the mind of the child at rest by making a joke of their own past embarrassment Over false fears or by cracking a few jokes on themselves on the subject.

To ask the child to banish fear is like asking him to banish his human instinct. Remember the wood-cutter? Was his piercing cry of moan in the lonely forest a waste? No! It immediately comforted him in his pain. The instinct of Seeking out the Unseen with a cry of moan comes as an immediate relief to all of us. But we do not pause to ponder.

It is said that fear as part of the human instinct begins even before a baby is born. Some pregnant mothers are reported to have noticed that a sudden loud noise or a. sudden let go heavily onto the couch produced distinct signs of disturbance in the baby in the womb akin to the Signs of fear.

Fear in Children

Let us conclude the discussion by the comments on the following quotation from a good authority on the natural aspect of fear in the children:

"Another characteristic of the child's personality is the presence of many fears. These fears result from uncertainty combined with easy recourse to imagination. The imagination runs toward superlatives and when a child indulges in fantasy, things are either very attractive or very threatening."

We can ascribe a reason for this in the context of Islam; Imagination by the child or his fantasy is a phase of manifestation of his attempt at perceiving things which are and remain Unseen. The child's negative fear of the worst" because it is caused by his uncertain of an Unseen like ghost and spirit itself indicates one impor- tant thing, -the existence of the natural positive capacity also for "submission to the best", that is, his Creator, -in the realm of the Unseen -because it is derived from 'certainty' which is "Al lmaan bil Ghaib".

So let the child be a child under the dictates of a child's nature while he as a child gropes in the dark for light, that is, knowledge leading to faith and then conviction, which he attains one after the other regarding the Unseen later in his adult life.

A young person enters a crowded mosque or imambara through the front door a sermon or preaching is going on. Believing that all eyes are on him, he unconsciously touches his nose once or twice with his hand before he finds a place This is not an inferiority complex; - only shyness. - that type which shows.

While shyness is an embarrassment if there is awareness that it shows, an inferiority complex is an agony. It is not fairly easy to adjust to if it begins in childhood, mostly cultivated in the child by the parents unknowingly. It affects the personal' the child when an adult. It is only fair that parents are advised in detail on the subject, which is known generally more by its name than substance. The length of discussion will necessitate presentation to be in three separate parts.

The complex in a person is not as much a feeling of inferiority or "seeing onself small" -as believing that others see him so. This belief is not always true. It take a form of an obsession in rare cases if the condition is severe originating childhood.

Flattered Let us consider one example: A boy is flattered when a group of older boys eng in smoking -and to him they are an 'elite group' because not many of that age s cigarettes -"favours" him with a few puffs -the first spell in his life -and he tries to suppress the bouts of coughing attendant with nausea. He finds himself a happy boy without having to tolerate any more puffs. But then, the elite group who exhibit the supposed manhood-personality will see him as "inferior" to them. This presumption braves him for more spells of smoking to set him on the path of habitual smoking.

As no sane person is perfectly and fully sane; no person is also fully or entirely free from the condition under discussion. However, the condition becomes a "complex" and known as such only when It exceeds the normal level In a person.

The feeling of being "small" is natural and right with a small child when he finds him- self truly so in size in the family. The family is his only world and the father the only hero he idolizes. So he likes to imitate the behaviour and actions of his father (girl with those of the mother) as his model (hero) to counter the feeling of being small and to impress himself and others in the family that he is catching up with his model in behaviour and actions, if not in size.

Let us consider a pertinent example: The father with severe coughing is alarmed to find that his small child has also started coughing. He is not only relieved but also amused when assured by the doctor that the child was imitating him -and what a "natural" actor for his age! Another example: The small child clumsily walks with a pair of father's slippers on, and often loses balance. The family seeing his interest and labour in the use of slippers buy him a pair of his size which he uses for an hour or longer until the novelty of the new slippers (like a new toy) wears off.

Then the child ignores the pair of his comfortable size and resumes the use of his father's -because it is not the slippers f which are the point of focus for him.

The child therefore expects from the parents nothing less than an affectionate acknowledgement and approval of his single-minded adoration of the parents and imitation of their behaviour. He -equipped by his own trust in himself -trusts them.

With such a position of trust, however, it is often the parents who can cause unknowingly the rise in the condition gradually and steadily in the child above the normal level and place the first fateful layer as the base for an inferiority complex. Once this occurs, the base then attracts a pile up of more layers, one after the other, from out- side the home -in school, sports ground, in meetings, debate -and the ugly edifice of the complex will have been raised.

Normally it is not possible for the parents or others to detect the condition in a person nor attribute any particular behaviour of the moment to the influence of the complex. What is worse is that the person who undergoes the nagging belief that he is being seen small or unimportant also believes that the condition is normal with others too, as victims, in the society.

Sijdah (Prostration}

However, the condition varies from person to person in traits and also in degrees (that is, in the number of layers) among those who are subject. Those who grow learning not to attach undue importance to the glitters of this transient world instead cultivate the conviction of a better life in the Hereafter are the persons can very well adjust themselves in their adult life and wear off the condition.

Sijidah, if its significance is well understood, can, for example, serve as an antidote. The face, the best visible part of the body is brought down to the lowest level possible where the leg, accustomed to dirt, tread; and then intoned is the moving testimony: that "All Glory to My Lord only - the Exalted" -while all other human beings - His slaves -are lowly and insignificant except for what He bestows on them out His Grace. No wonder, there appears no inclination to lift up the face from the spiritually soothing posture of Sijdah but then for every next Sijdah the head has to be once again!.

The Bible too mentions about the Sijdah practiced by the previous Prophets appropriate occasions. How surprising that a person of whatever station of life c through his profound humbleness to his Lord enjoy a sense of superiority in the society in that respect and dictate values in his relation with others on the position strength derived from that humbleness.

"The nearest position of man's servitude (a bondsman) to Allah is when he is in t state of prostration (sijdah)". Hadeeth of the Prophet. And then, the holy Qur'an also repeatedly questions us if we, the mortals, have n traversed the earth and seen what have remained of those in the past who thought themselves to be mighty and ever-lasting. and sensed themselves superior in material terms during their time of pomp in this life.

Behavioural Traits

CAUTION: The few examples of various shades of the complex catalogued herein are from such broad general experience as is common in the society. They have been "framed" only to illustrate the fluid nature of the behavioural traits.

IMPORTANT: It is important to gain the right perspective of the subject under discussion through the Islamic point of view which is as follows: A human being rightly senses his self-importance but he fails to realise that the feel- ing originates sub-consciously from the fact that the nature in which he has been created acknowledges that he is the most dignified as a member of mankind among other creatures (ashraful makhluqaa) and that too created by the best of the creators (ahsanul khaliqeen).

However, the mistake man does is by wanting to relate his self-importance to the human assessment -that is, how best the society sees him, - and not in his relation to his Creator as to how best He judges him. Therefore, a complex of inferiority or a sense of superiority on the basis of a human judgment indicates a serious weakness of faith -if observed in a Muslim.

8n1all children being human are no different from adults. They too by nature are concerned with their shades of self-importance. Their family being the only world they know, they too are made to feel concerned as to how their parents judge them. They are sensitive to a negative judgment. Their reaction is however different from that of adults when they become a subject of an inferiority complex.

The Catalogue of Examples

Let us examine first the examples of the traits in adults.

There are those among adults who adjust themselves by adopting an introvert approach of moving among the close circles they have known for years. They would not venture into new, unknown or larger circles of people. But then there are also those who are extrovert in approach and engross themselves in countering the condition by trying to attract attention to themselves and register their importance on others. Frankly, there are no reasons for having to do any of these.

To attract attention to oneself or to want to register one's importance on others is normal, if it is within reasons and up to a point. For example, this is common with a younger person who is flattered to be in a company of the people older in age and. among them, perhaps many with new or distinguished faces.

It is however, not normal where a person betrays the following traits, as examples only, in his behaviour while in a company of people or at meetings. He pays little attention to the chain of discussion going on because his mind is engaged in wanting to create an opportunity of saying something or he would abruptly interrupt to introduce anew subject of his liking; or he would drop names of important persons known to him while there is no direct relevance to the discussion.

All these are in the attempt to impress his importance so that he is not seen small or a person of little importance, which he wrongly thinks he is seen. For more examples; the subject purportedly reveals solemnly an important and sensitive information, which is exaggerated, if not false; or he publicises a small honour done to him by 'complaining' that he did not deserve it but, was pressed into accepting it, or raises the same small or petty argument, long forgotten, to renew his lame defence. or goes on defending his opinion or judgment though he knows that it is glaringly wrong.

What is worse. he misinterprets good intentions towards him. Or he makes a mountain out of a mole-hill when he is offended unintentionally or his is a lone opposition to a proposal which is favoured by a large consensus in a meeting, without an alter- native suggestion from him because what is important to him is that he spoke -with- out being seen to toe the lines of those in large majority whom he perceives' falsely as 'elite' or superior to him. A combination of any of such behaviours with a degree 7, of consistency indicates the tell-tale signs of the condition which is above normal, - the complex of inferiority.

An ear-ring!

One more trait which is prevalent among young persons who are affected is to "borrow from the reflection of the importance"

of celebrities, like musicians, actors, sportsmen, and "proudly" bask under their infectious reflection. They do so by imitating the trends set by them in the fashion of clothes, greetings, walking gait or any aspect of face (or one ear) adornment, or hair-cut - however peculiar or unconventional they may be for males -in the society. They attempt to borrow from the reflection of the importance of others because they see themselves -or believe that others see them -as lacking in their own individual importance (self-identity).

Imagine, a cricketer, a hero himself to the millions of cricket fans, revealing such a weak personality. This may be a sign that the complex originating from his childhood has yet to wear off, if it ever will!

Precautions At Home

Your child returns home seething and mumbling a complaint incoherently. You touch his hand as a sign of assurance of your concern and love for him so that he opens up; and this angers him further to worsen the situation. There can be a valid reason for this, and yet there can also be one which is not; -it may be connected with a complex of inferiority.

There are a number of precautions which parents need to take so as not to cultivate an inferiority complex in the child. The most important one is for the parents or any member in the family not to make a sneering reference to any negative aspect of the child's appearance, complexion or physical handicap which unfortunately is the tendency of a father to do so in the moments of anger over any incident of mis-behaviour by the child. It is vicious when the child is a girl and if it comes from the father; arid worse still, if this is occasioned in the presence of his siblings or friends.

There is no such thing as an ideal or perfect human appearance. Monkeys ask among themselves: Is it the ugly face which gives a human-being so much brain? And that may not be all! Some crawling species of insects are rarely trampled upon unaware because human-beings are believed to smell horrible, even from distance. Perhaps, the human speech sounds most irritating to some animals; music perhaps even f worse!

When a child -who is so viciously subjected to this indignity at the hands of his parents -meets other students on his day of enrolment in the school, instead of eyeing the competitive possessions of each others. like multi coloured pencils. books with flashy covers or even toys brought stealthily from home. the poor soul appraises the shape and size of their ears, to see if any pair was matching his as a solace. His has to be worse anyway because his father sees it so and says it.

Agony of Funny Name

Such a child normally for want of sympathy at a child's level. feels inclined to confide to his new desk-mate the agony of the funny name by which he is teased at home because of say, the shape of his ears or nose or head or the wide gap in a front row of teeth. What follows next is that he becomes known by that very name in the school in a matter of days only to worsen the agony which is likely to result into a fateful distaste by the child towards the school and the consequent poor performances in his entire school life.

Parents should also desist from scolding or insulting or punishing the child in the presence of others, especially his friends; worse, if the practice is during the meals time in the presence of the siblings. Apart from making him feel small, he may reply back only to defend his ego (self-respect) in their presence and thus create a precedent for such regular "encounters" in future also.

Besides, the right of the parents to lecture the child over a bad performance becomes only due if they have the fairness of commending and praising him also for a good performance as and when the occasions arise. And when it comes to lecturing him on his poor performances.

his should never be compared with the performances of others by names, among his friends, relatives or neighbours, to make him feel distinctly small. He will believe that they too see him as small and "worthless" As this judgment comes from his parents. it will be disastrous if he resigns to it as being a fact and that which he thinks is irreversible.

Acting Like A Boss

On the contrary, whatever the ups and downs in the child's graph of performances, he should be encouraged to invite friends home and allowed the laxity or latitude of acting like a boss of the house in their presence, so as to assist him to build up a good commanding image of himself to impress the friends. This boosts personality. He will talk about each such occasion for hours after the friends have left.

Parents should restrain themselves from revealing, jovially or in frustration, to others outside the family, any of the child's behaviours and habits which are no credit to him. Bed-wetting, obsessive fears (say. of insects or darkness), hand-feeding, etc. are examples. The family's friends and neighbours and their children may take the liberty to tease the child in public. The conditions are temporary and wear off, but the teasing in public persists. The child should be protected by the same restraint which the parents exercise to protect each other's own bad habits from the public knowledge.

And then, the parents should also avoid quarrelling among themselves in the presence of the child. The family is his world and the parents are his only heroes (role- models) in his world. The scenes of quarrels will demolish his perception of his nice world and his good image of the parents. He would look elsewhere outside his home for a better hero to idolise and imitate.

The result will be the pin-up pictures of the celebrities pasted on the walls, dangling of a cigarette from a side of the lips while looking into a mirror, an ear-ring in an ear, a peculiar hair-cut. baggy or drain-pipe trousers or the pair with multi- coloured patches -which all are the signs of borrowing "self-importance" from the reflection of the importance of others, when his own is made to appear lacking or shallow.

Children Shoot School-mates

The incidents of children shooting down fellow-students in the schools are horrible, but not quite inexplicable. The former are most-likely the victims of the 1nferiority complex in a society which believes in an unrestricted freedom for children. The recent (March 2001) examples are the separate shooting in two High Schools in California. The teenage gunman in one was said to be "unpopular" among the students. In another incident, 15 people were killed by a student in a Colorado High School in April, 1999.

The child agonised by false perception of his unpopularity in the school reacts abnormally to make himself truly unpopular. He is seen at home moody, rebellious, depressed or brooding. The unmistakable tell-tale sign is his outburst strangely against the parents at their expression of love or concern.

A gun is the means for a sudden command over power and assertion of his importance over others. The newspapers headlines will flash his name. The TV media will beam his pictures. He will have "accomplished" what no one among his peers or any in the elite group could dare. He too is important. He will have the last laugh!

Electiveness of Sijdah

So if the child returns home badly upset and complains falsely over what appears to be his ego having been offended, which is a Satanic trait, get him to perform a quick sijdah and teach him to tell himself while in a sijdah the fact that he and all others who ever walked on this earth are small and unimportant before Allah, and that he is the greater than them because he knows that fact. How Allah sees and judges him is all that he cares for! Perhaps by this way. the parents may undo whatever they may have done in laying the foundation for the child's complex at home.

The understanding of the significance of Sijdah is normally minimal to a child, but it has its impact to last him during his adult life. Firstly, he will remember his child-hood experience of Sijdah which he will always connect to the false feeling or perception of being small in a society. Mind always need a trigger for strength, and what can be a better one than Sijdah in pertinence to the subject? Secondly, it will serve to register in his mind that an Inferiority Complex arises in a person who is weak in mind and faith.

However, the effectiveness of sijdah during childhood depends on the child seeing the parents also in sijdah while they are performing their Salaat regularly. And then the importance of regular supplications (dua) to Allah swt for guidance in raising a good (saleh) child with a stable mind and strong faith should never be under-rated.

Attention & Compliance

Many years ago a father, accompanied by his son, visited me for a professional advice. He introduced himself as a landlord. The son appeared to be in his late twenties.

On the conclusion of a satisfactory consultation. the father turned directly to the son and instructed him what to do in the matter. The father chose to give the instruction in my presence perhaps to ensure that it was correctly articulated as discussed.

However, as if the articulation was not assuring enough and the time already taken was not long enough. the father repeated the instruction. This time he repeated also some words, the planned timing, and the names and places concerned in the con- tents of the instruction over and over again much to my concealed disgust and to the visible boredom of the son.

Now! I got the clue why the son was not so attentive to the instruction at the first " time. It was obviously because he was well trained since childhood to wait for a repetition of every instruction given.

And yet one more clue! The father had also kept on repeating to me his questions to prompt me into repeating my answers during the discussion. It was obvious that he too was made a victim of this family-trait in his childhood and he was dutifully pass- Mental Hazard The indications were that the repetition of the instruction in my office was not going to be last one from the father to the son.

The full sympathy is for the wife, the work-subordinates or the employees and the house-servants of such a person, because this type of a chain of onslaught of boredom can be a mental hazard and therefore, a cause for parting ways!

With the complexities of the present life as we know of. let us be conscious of the dictum that: "Time has become a precious commodity; making and retaining friends an art and to be counted as being among the per- sons with a polished or refined personality a challenge." Nothing is more un-nerving than listening to a same piece of information, advice or instruction repetitively at the same moment. It goes against the dictum.

For any errand or assignment, have the habit of saying your instruction once only to the child and surprise yourself with the results. Your instruction wins his sharp attention and a secured place in his memory for a perfect compliance -because it was said once, as always! He too will adopt and pass on this polished culture down in the family.

Another Dimension

However, there is also another dimension to this unpleasant weakness. The child who has been made habituated to responding only after a repeated instruction is likely to grow up as an adult with yet a greater weakness. While he would show immediate willingness to do a favour upon a request, he would act only after the request has been repeated even if the favour was small or simple. There are those amongst us who express a request only once for a favour. Repeating the request is avoided because it amounts to begging.

A person makes an inconsiderate spouse in the family; also an unkind son or a daughter to the aged parents if the person habitually needs a repetition of almost every small request before he would remember to oblige. Often the repetition awaited never appears and the request drifts from the memory as if it never existed. The favour is deemed to have been denied when the intention was not so.

Congregation

There always comes a time when a child is seen old enough to be taken for the first time to a mosque. He has some knowledge of tahaarat (cleanliness) and ehteraam (respect) for the mosque.

Incidentally, that is also the age when the child can be allowed the benefit of his "first impression to be his lasting one" with regard to his first experiences that he comes across in his life and the values attached to them.

Parents need to believe and make the child also believe that his first participation in a congregational prayer is a momentous occasion for him and for the family, which indeed is, if only they knew!

The first impact and impression of the child regarding the occasion will leave lasting imprints in his memory. A person belongs to where his memories are. Some child- hood memories always survive sharply to create the desire to relive the occasions. And he later in his adult life relives the occasion like this sub-consciously by maintaining regularity in the attendance of daily prayers.

Planning & Preparation

But this has to be preceded by an enthusiastic planning and ostentatious preparation for the child to notice. So the child's inquisitive nature makes him attentive to the talk going on around him about certain prior arrangements and time-schedules, and he knows in his own small way that there is in the air an important occasion out. His interest however, sharpens with great expectations when he hears the debate whether he is old enough for his first participation -and if he is, what smart clothes he can put on.

The child's first attendance inside a mosque should be planned as a big favour from the parents and accorded an appropriate ostentation and importance. To register a maximum importance of the occasion on the child, the day fixed is later than earlier to plunge him into a longer duration of raised expectations so that he has also time to raise the subject of the anticipated big day in the family and reveal it in confidence to the neighbours' children.

Self-identity

The plan should provide for an early arrival at the mosque to enable the child, in his new suitable dress for the occasion, to be taken round for the inspection of the facilities and general familiarisation so that he begins to feel "at home". He is introduced to relatives and family-friends in the mosque before and to some after the congregational prayer and later to the Imam of the congregation also. The introduction is by his name to accord him a self-identity and acknowledge his distinct personality.

What is needed to be avoided however, is the regimental warning of 'dos and donts' while in the mosque or pointing out to the child his mistakes in observing the discipline of the congregational prayer, and more importantly, avoiding the day when there is a sermon and lengthy proceedings. Children cannot maintain concentration longer at a stretch.. Spells of boredom are counter-productive.

The first participation in the mosque serves only as a maiden experience to sink in and not as a start for a regular attendance. The subsequent attendance should be at intervals, preferably at the child's own request to be followed by an incentive like a visit to a candy shop or an ice-cream parlour before returning home.

The child, when adult and himself a parent, will cherish the memory of such first experience and think very kindly of his parents when they are deceased. The parents and the mosque become linked for a centre place in the memory. He cannot belong to the parents when they are no more in this world, but he belongs to the euphoric memories in which they feature! In a good Muslim family a child's best and lingering memories are of the parents taking pain to teach him the obligations in Islam.

Introduce the Child to the Clock

An office-messenger who was sent to collect some important papers was asked to come back for them precisely in 20 minutes because of the urgency. When he came back in ten minutes instead. he was asked to return once again in ten minutes. He reappeared much later. He should have been given the exact time. It would have been easy for him to keep a track of it by consulting those who kept a wrist watch. He never kept one and therefore he had never gained a dependable sense of the pas- sage of time even if it were for a small span of five minutes.

When the messenger is idle and anxiously waiting for a due time for an assignment, the due-time arrives faster; and when he is busy with another interim job in the mean- time. the due-time arrives later for the assignment! If the exact known-time due is in 15 minutes. he would still ask people for time-information or go to consult the clock about three times.

There can be no efficient .management of the daily affairs and no trust earned in the society without a deligent adherence to a time management; and the time manage- men-t is elusive without mastering the sense and value of time. Islam also teaches a meticulous observance of time which has disciplinary variables.

That was with regard to the earthly clock. Graphic and Vivid. A man of about 80 years of age in the course of a normal talk was narrating to his son during one leisurely week-end a family event which had taken place when he was in his twenties and his own father was the head of the family. His narration to the end was graphic and vivid and his face-expression lively as if the aged personthere was a re-enactment of " the event before his eyes. Then strangely, after remaining quiet and thoughtful for rose from his seat, stood still thoughtful, and then slowly walked away to retire in his room.

sometime, It should be easy to guess why the old man suddenly fell into a deep thought with all r the visible sign of desolation and melancholy. He felt that the event had taken place " only "yesterday", and there he was an old person "today" and the relatives will argue at the cemetery "tomorrow" whether that old weather-beaten grave was indeed his! The span of some sixty years since the event was now a mere 24 hours to him! And that is precisely what the Holy Qur'an wants us to remember.

"He will say: How many years did you tarry in the earth? They will say: We tarried a day or part of a day, but ask those who keep account. He will say: You did tarry but a little -had you but known (it)" (23 : 112,113,114). Now this is the celestial (heavenly) clock, Time will tell. Introduce the child to the earthly time-clock in time so that he later as an adult becomes aware of the celestial clock also in time and is not caught by a rude shock like the old man. What a great pity when there are people in the society who were raised and conditioned to be oblivious to the dictates of both the clocks!

Sense and Value of Time

Observe our children. They think of a number of things to do in a day, more on a holiday, but when asked, they will be seen having no idea at all of the respective time normally necessary for each of them. The things are just too many for a day even if sleep is skipped! It means that the parents have not yet introduced them to the clock. Children must grow up as adults with a smart sense and value of time.

If the child says that he was going to a certain shop to buy a book, ask him as if for a mere interest to know, how long that will take him until he returns home. He will begin to think, estimate -perhaps wrongly -and then reply. That is a good start if such casual inquiries are made as a normal practice.

When the child mentions a duration of time for a particular job or assignment, challenge him that it will take him longer, to make him conscious of the time. He will try to accomplish it much sooner with an eye on the clock not only to meet the challenge r but also to impress. If the child invites friends at home for a small afternoon party, ask him when will it be over and then teasingly question: why so late, not because it matters whether late or not.

He will immediately direct his mind to the time-management to explain and justify why so late, though to te parents it may not be late. All these are a part of the exercise and practice of time-orientation to teach the child time-management through a cultivation of a sharp sense and value of time. This is essential.

Parents should also impress the child, when grown up as a youth, that only "yesterday" they were young like him and "tomorrow" he will be old like them. As an adult the child will always know that time is constantly slipping by "fast" beyond his control according to the earthly clock and death is always "the same day" -according to the celestial (heavenly) clock even if it were forty or sixty years hence!

Visionary

An anxious husband away from home reads quickly important pieces of news from the letter he has just received from his family and then reads them all over again. If the anxious husband had been illiterate. he would have got the letter read out to him by someone who would have then folded and returned it to him only to see him unfolding the letter and looking intently into it as if he was now able to read it. The action in both cases reveals a particular pattern of the human mind.

It wants to register and familiarise the pieces of news at its own independent pace. If the husband is reading about his baby being sick, his mind is also registering a likely perception, familiar to his mind, of the background against which the baby is in the state of sickness. The pace for reading is influenced by the pace at which each piece of the news undergoes such a mental registration in a wider perspective.

The mind works the same natural way for an illiterate person too. Unfolding the letter only to be looking into it is to prompt a mental registration of the picture depict- ed from the news which is in the letter.

The only disadvantage is that when a letter is read out, the pace at which he hears may not be the leisurely he would like if he were reading the letter himself for an efficient registration. His mind is always alert about what is next to be heard and this disturbs the efficiency-pace of registration. He therefore takes the letter to someone else for a favour of being read out to him again, though he now knows mostly what is next in the line of hearing.

The Difference

This is precisely the difference also when a person listens to a programme of a series of national and international news in a quick succession from radio or TV channels r. and when he reads them in the newspapers. The latter facilitates a mental treatment of each piece in a wider perspective at an acceptable pace; and this helps in avoiding the absorption of any hidden message planted behind the presentation of the s by the electronic media.

The electronic media therefore has an effective capability as compared to the print media of manipulating the public opinion in this way. No wonder that the electronic media has captured a wider market and is capable of influencing large segments of public on the issues of faith (religion), socio-culture, politics, economy and such others, because it "conveniently saves" those gullible among the public-viewers from exercise of smart thinking and scrutiny.

Fertile Mind

As a result, more and more among the succeeding generations lose the culture of serious minding reading. Gone are the days when a child was seen in his room engrossed in ling a book and weighing or questioning mentally the merits of the thoughts and s of the author. It is this process which helped the child to widen the horizon of his critic mind, and it is such a child who grew up able to also develop a creative mind formulate his own ideas and then be able to write or express them.

He possessed a fertile mind of originality and creativeness because he had conditioned the mind into a critical thinking while feeding it regularly with a serious reading. He grew better equipped to formulate his independent thoughts and visions -and to advise lead.

The mind in a child wants to explode into an expansive horizon such is the thirst for absorption of knowledge and information and he can draw on a number of sources to satisfy this: the sources being family; school, electronic media, friends etc. The source is, however, reading which means a flow of one's own critic thoughts as E continues to read.

While there is always plenty of reading around - in the school, places of business and work, etc, none of these can serve as a substitute for the taste and culture of the leisurely at home or in a library for the reasons explained above.

Message is Simple

"The message is simple and yet crucial: do not let your child grow up without having cultivated the habit of reading as a family culture or hobby. A certain time is set during a week-end and school holidays when the child is alone in his room with arrangement of no access t TV, radio, Computer, game or telephone chat, and he picks up a suitable children-book to kill the initial boredom, preferably one of those with a good moral story or fiction and an attraction to complete it.

Some parents may perceive this arrangement as an unnecessary toll on their dear child for such an apparently minor habit. It is probable that they themselves lack or under-rate the culture of reading and any idea of its richness in the mental nourishment. Reading is a culture with no compensatory substitute; and no culture is minor.

Talking about a small child's "initial concept" of Allah, one person was reminiscing his childhood's mis-concept. A member in the family died. His father had an explanation: Someone called Allah took him away.

This information created a fear in him of who- ever takes people away. Incidentally whenever he misbehaved in the street while walking along with his mother, she would point out at a police constable if one hap- pened to be in sight and scare him that she would ask the constable to take him away. So during his early childhood he, in his misplaced concept, likened Allah. when mentioned at home, to a man in a khaki uniform.

As Allah is not visible and yet He is often mentioned at home, children form their own independent picture of Him in their mind. It varies from child to child. Such pictures are influenced mostly by what the parents mention about Allah's pleasure and displeasure in the context of a child's misbehaviour and his "sinning" against Him because of the misbehaviour.

Such incidental and cursory introduction of Allah with the depiction of human emotions in Him gives a mis-leading representation of His attributes. For example, the mention of Allah as punishing for a wrong-doing makes a child liken Him to a teacher he knows in the neighbourhood who punishes students in the school. And yet, the mention of Allah being Wise and all the time Alive gives to another child the picture of an old and knowledgeable grandfather who is getting older and older and yet keeps on living.

Polishing or Polluting!

Everyone is born with a natural in-born belief that there exists power and control over himself by his Creator (al imaan bil ghaib - belief in himself by his Creator (al imaan bil ghaib -belief in the Unseen)) and this nagging belief is general for the mankind. The human mind cannot remain blank or shed this belief. He has either to run the path to polishing the belief or run the risk of polluting it. There is no third option. In the case of a child, therefore, under the inspiration of this inborn belief, he senses a thirst for information in order to polish the belief. In the absence of adequate and balanced information, his imaginative mind tries to fill in the gaps and comes up with an incorrect interim concept of his Creator Who he finds often mentioned as Allah in the family. This mis-concept is common with small children.

Therefore, it is an Islamic obligation of the parents to ensure that as the child grows up, his thirst, which often goes unknown to them, is quenched amply with a flow of pure and proper information. The risk of the child drawing information from other doubtful Sources, as an alternative, becomes diminished. He is spared from his belief being tampered with doubts later in his adult life.

Religious Duty

The parents therefore have a religious duty to ensure that the child is purposefully engaged in the proper learning of correct and balanced concept of Allah as early ''as possible" essentially based on His attributes. The perfect concept of His being and existence is however, beyond human comprehension. The initial childhood picture of Allah as a being with a human physique, image, emotions, needs or limitations must not stay on longer.

And this is only possible when the entire package of His attributes, including those of His benevolence, compassion, forgiveness, generosity and such others are addressed. There therefore develops a balanced concept of Him as the loving and lovable Being, and yet also a reasonably feared One if disobeyed or angered -all in the context of tauhid (absolute onennes).

Common God is not Allah

What is even more important is to impress upon the child that there exists only Allah and there is no god besides Him and that the mention by others, of god or God, who lacks all the combined attributes of Allah is not Allah. And no god other than Allah exists. Therefore, the universally common God worshiped by all others does not exist if he is not Allah.

While it is true that great "thawab" is earned by those parents who are the first to teach their children to recite or read the verse: Bi'simi Laahi Rahman Raheem", its importance is not confined to teaching the recitation of the verse or its translation only. The importance essentially lies also in helping the children to form a correct and balanced Islamic concept of "Allah" mentioned in the verse.

It has to be reiterated that Allah has created Man in the nature of wanting to know Him. Human reasoning, which is attuned to his nature, leads to knowing Him rightly. Therefore, children's ability to reason, when prodded by the parents, to gain the right concept of Allah should not be under-rated.

When the growing child is taught to address his dua (supplication) to Allah, the impact of his faith in the dua is tremendous only if he has also been made to gain the right Islamic concept of Him.

If rooted deeply and practiced earnestly during one's lifetime. this culture can make a difference in one's fate in this and the next world. but then it needs to be commenced and cultivated in one's childhood.

It is not common to see a child moved on his own accord to talking to Allah in the form of dua (supplication). .It never dawns upon the children the need to talk to Allah, Their parents make available for them almost all that they need, desire or hope for, They provide a dependable sense of security. When children fall sick they see the parents bring medicine to make them feel well again.

There was however this child who did talk to Allah. No one in the family had asked him to. though. His mother. half crying. was telling his grandmother on the phone that his baby sister with signs of a serious dehydration was to be rushed to the hospital that very moment. The baby was in danger of her life and the family doctor who had just left after examining her would join them after a short while. She ended the conservation hurriedly with a frantic plea to the grandmother for a dua to Allah.

After the parents had left