Question 90
My husband has a weak and infirm personality. He does not manage the household affairs. He neither enjoins nor does he forbid the children. He pays no attention to their school education. How should I behave towards him in order to make him act according to his suitable position?
The answer: This is the negative side of your husband's personality, but surely he has some positive qualities too. Try to regard these qualities as well. But as for the negative side:
First, entrust him with some tasks even if he hesitates or refuses to do them!
Second, try to give him self-confidence. For example, you can say to him: I am sure you can do this work.
Third, declare to him that you want him to be with a strong personality, and tell him that this is the wish of your children as well. Tell him that the responsibilities in marital life are common and divided according to Islamic teachings and the human nature!
Fourth, plan with your children to ask their father to interfere
in their affairs and to discuss with them different issues. In other words, he should be involved in the family affairs in every way.
Fifth, if he does not change after these steps, you have to adapt yourself to his state and convince yourself that it is a good state, for every person has his own independent personality and private mentality.
Question 91
Once, a dispute took place between my wife and myself about managing our marital life and our children's affairs. She accused me of insanity. This word, instead of making me angry, has made me ponder about myself - am I really as my wife said?
Would you please show the connotation of sanity that I may understand my mentality for myself and change accordingly, or I may convince my wife that I am not as she says?
The answer: I congratulate you for this liberal spirit and I wish there were more like you in our fanatic societies. The Prophet (s), who was definitely and without a doubt on the path of truth and guidance, invited the polytheists, who were on a definite path of deviation, to an open argumentation without fanaticism or omitting the argument of the other side before showing the truth. (And most surely we or you are on a right way or in manifest error). 1
See how the Prophet (s) made the matter of disagreement between him and the polytheists as though unresolved between guidance and deviation. Thus, he encouraged them to begin argumentation. However, in our societies, if two Muslims (or maybe two scholars) disagree, each one of them determines that he is in the truth and his opponent is in the falsehood and each one of them turns away from the other with enmity and grudge!
Dear brother, as for your question, you should be aware that
________________________
1 Qur'an, 34:24.
sanity has some signs, most of which begin with the following DON'Ts:
1. Do not be inclined to violence, revenge, or transgressing against the rights of others!
2. Do not show off in your deeds!
3. Do not like despotism!
4. Do not lie!
5. Do not be lazy to spend your life idly with no aim or productivity!
6. Do not be greedy for what other people have or envy them!
7. Do not hate others, and do not fill your heart with grudge against your opponents or whoever does you wrong!
8. Do not be selfish and think yourself better than all others!
9. Do not ignore religious beliefs throughout your life!
10. Do not disperse your mind, for then your concentration on your tasks will scatter here and there!
After that, you should feel stable in your mentality and behaviors before problems, look at life positively, become hopeful of your tomorrow, and promise those whom you are responsible for a happy future. Thus, you bring yourself and your family vitality, vigor, and constructive activity.
These signs will indicate to you that your inner complexes have disappeared, and then you will live with a pure nature that will repair the condition you live in, and then you will understand your goal in this life and the duties required from you.
Dear brother, with these points, you have to prove to your wife that you are sane and you love your family, and for the sake of your family, you are ready to tolerate all difficulties in order to continue towards your goal, regardless of whether you are in difficulty or ease.
I confirm here that your not being angry with your wife when she called you insane proves that you are mentally sound, and from this point on, you must set out towards a better sanity and mentality.
Question 92
I often become so angry that I burst out against whoever and whatever is around me. I confess that I am not happy with myself when I am angry with my wife, my children, or others, but I do not know how to treat this psychological disease!
The answer: Dear brother, be sure that anger harms your health because you burn with it your physical powers and the cells of your brain and heart. You may also, because of anger, lose your family and job. Remember that most of the dead in our present time have died because of apoplexy after a case of anger and nervousness.
If you believe in this information, be sure that your case is curable and the key to the cure is in your willpower, which may be difficult to control in the beginning, but later on it will grow stronger until you will find it easy to control your anger and change your behavior.
Here are some points to help you cure yourself inshallah:
1. When angry, try to orient your thinking and senses to something besides the subject that provokes your anger!
2. Leave the place you are in when you become angry and walk to another, and do not come back to it except after forgetting the situation or when your anger disappears!
3. Assign an hour or half an hour every day for practicing exercises, swimming, or breathing deeply! It would be better for you to practice such exercises at the seashore.
4. Teach yourself to be merry through smiling, joking, and mentioning pleasant events and comments within the limits of politeness and honesty! In other words, be good-humored, lovely, and attractive!
5. Trust in the abilities of others, and do not think that they cannot achieve something!
6. Choose some wise person with whom to discuss your sufferings, entrust him with your secrets, and consult him regarding your affairs!
7. Always perform wudu' and mention Allah with your tongue and heart and remember that you are under His accurate watch!
Question 93
I was recently married, and I suffer from much psychological worry and turmoil, fearing that I may fail in my marriage and become a sad divorcee sitting in a corner of my father's house like thousands of divorcees. Would you please help me solve my suffering before what I fear takes place though my husband is a good man?
The answer: Dear sister, your problem shows that you lack self- confidence and your fears are not real. They are outcomes of scruple and imagination. Your worrying about your future with your husband may be a sufficient reason for you to fear as you do. To solve your problem, you have to get rid of its cause by following these steps without hesitation:
1. You should think deeply about why you scorn and belittle yourself while you have been created with the divine dignity. Allah has granted you honor and virtue as a highly respected being, so it is unjust for you to do away with your position and value.
2. After discussing the matter with yourself, you will arrive at the critical result that you are precious, and then you will know that a precious one is she who tries her best to remain precious or become more precious. This requires you to offer to your husband whatever good you can offer. This will make you more attractive before your good husband.
3. Seek refuge in Allah from the evil of the sneaking whisperer, who whispers into the hearts of mankind, of the jinn and of mankind!
4. Read some books about the aspects of a successful wife and apply them to yourself, and then do not doubt your ability to continue living with your husband in a happy, joint life with your good offspring!
5. Always take lessons from successful wives, and do not spend your time thinking of sad divorcees!
6. Always, convince yourself that you are happy, successful, strong, and brave!
7. Keep these advices before your eyes throughout your life!
Question 94
My friend is a shopkeeper. He said that there is a married woman often tried to seduce him. Many times he chided her but with no use. One day, she came to his shop and insisted for him to commit adultery with her, justifying that her husband paid no attention to her emotional needs. Would you please talk about these dangerous corruptions and how to treat their causes?
The answer: The Prophet (s) said, 'The wrath of Allah is so great on a married woman who fills her eyes with other than her husband or one of her mahrams. If she does so, Allah will nullify all her deeds, and if she sleeps with other than her husband on her bed, Allah will definitely burn her in Fire after torturing her in the grave.' 1
Dear brother, what is important is that your friend should overcome his desires and not fall into the trap of this adulteress, for then he would throw himself with her into the fire of Hell.
I would like to say to your friend and those like him what Imam as-Sadiq (s) said, 'Be abstinent from the women of people, and your women will be abstinent!' 2
Does his conscience accept that the honor of the women of his family should be violated? If his answer is "NO", let him
________________________
1 Al-Hadith, vol.3 p.142.
2 Mizan al-Hikma, vol. 6 p.359.
beware of opening a way for his own honor to be violated.
This tested man and that enticing woman should ponder deeply on the sayings of the Prophet (s) narrated by Imam as-Sadiq (s), 'You have to be abstinent and avoid adultery' 1 and by Imam al-Baqir (s), 'There is no worship better near Allah than the abstinence of the abdomen (not to eat any unlawful thing) and genitals.' 2
Let them, also, ponder on the great reward of the martyr who struggles for the sake of Allah! It is less than the reward of one who is able to commit adultery but he abstains and forbears. We have been informed of such by Imam Ali (s) who added, 'An abstinent is about to be as one of the angels.' 3
Imam Ali (s) also said, 'Satisfaction and suppressing the lust are the best of abstinence.' 4
He said to Muhammad bin Abu Bakr when he appointed him as the wali of Egypt, 'Know that the best of abstinence is piety in the religion of Allah and doing according to His orders. I recommend you of fearing Allah in secrecy and in openness ...' 5
Dear young man, you should resist and not permit yourself to commit adultery because it is one of the major sins. Remember, when the Satan invites you towards adultery, Allah sees you as do your great Prophet (s) and infallible Imams (s), who know your secrets every Thursday by the will of Allah, Who knows every secret. 6
You should remember that sin has destructive effects and bad consequences that disgrace man in this life and bring him distresses and griefs.
Imam Ali (s) said, 'He who hastens towards lusts, hastens
________________________
1 Usool al-Kafi, vol.5 p.554.
2 Ibid., vol.2 p.80.
3 Nahjol Balagha, short maxims, 474.
4 Mizan al-Hikma, vol. 6 p.364.
5 Ibid.
6 As in Bihar al-Anwar, vol. 23 p.345, Basa'ir ad-Darajat, p.426.
towards plagues.' 1
He also said, 'Whoever enjoys himself by disobeying Allah, Allah afflicts him with meanness.' 2
Imam al-Baqir (s) said, 'No disaster afflicts man except after a sin ...' 3
Imam as-Sadiq (s) said, 'Allah the Almighty says: when he, who knows Me, disobeys Me, I will set up one, who does not know Me, over him.' 4
This is in this life, but as for the afterlife, the Prophet (s) said, 'He who shakes hands with a woman who is unlawful (nonmahram) for him will be afflicted with the wrath of Allah, and he who sleeps with a woman who is unlawful for him will be tied by a chain of fire with the Satan and they both will be thrown into Fire.' 5
I would like to draw the attentions of the husbands who are indifferent to the sexual rights of their wives and also the husbands who are lenient towards their wives in allowing them to watch erotic films or in letting them go out without surveillance that they are partners in the crime of adultery their wives commit.
Imam as-Sadiq (s) said, 'Allah has given woman patience of ten men, but if she is excited, the power of her lust becomes as of ten men.' 6
The Prophet (s) ordered husbands by saying, 'Wash your clothes, cut your hairs, use miswak (tooth cleanser - i.e. brush your teeth), clean your bodies, and adorn yourselves! The Israelites did not do that; therefore, their women committed
________________________
1 Ghurar al-Hikam, 666.
2 Ibid., 686.
3 Usool al-Kafi, vol.2 p.269.
4 Wassa'il ash-Shia, vol. ii p.242.
5 Al-Hikam al-Dhahira, p.302.
6 Usool al-Kafi, vol.5 p.338.
adultery.' 1
Adultery is not just a moment of pleasure which ends with the act; rather, hundreds of problems come after it such as sudden death, which is the worst of them, illegitimate children, who form a main cause of crime in societies, and so on.
Question 95
My wife is sterile, and I love children very much. I do not want to die without leaving righteous descendents after me. I spoke with my wife about marrying a faithful girl who would be as her friend and assistant so that Allah may grant me good offspring, but she refused and was about to attack and kill me.
Several weeks passed until our relation was restored to its natural state. I then suggested to her that we might look for an orphan and adopt him as our son, if it was acceptable to her. She accepted, but I do not know whether she was sincere or she just accepted out of courtesy. Nevertheless, how should we go about finding an orphan? How can we be sure that he is not illegitimate?
The answer: In the first part of the problem, the wife should understand the truth and submit to the verdict of the Sharia, which is the verdict of Allah, Who has given man the right to marry two, three, or four wives (on condition that he will treat them all fairly and equally) in normal cases, then how about if the first wife is in a state like that of your wife?
Let this wife be sure that when Allah sees her submit to His judgment, He will grant her goodness that will make her happy in this life and in the afterlife. If her husband does get married, whether she agrees to it or not, let her beware of the whispering of the Satan, who is the bitterest enemy of man.
In the story of Sara, the wife of Prophet Abraham (s), there is a big similarity to the story of this tried wife. Sara was sterile. Prophet Abraham (s) got married to Hagar. Sara became jealous of Hagar with the jealousy of unfaithful women.
________________________
1 Nahjol Fasaha, p.72 trad.377.
Therefore, Allah punished Sara by granting Hagar a good son whose name was Ishmael (s), who was the forefather of our Prophet Muhammad (s) and the millions of sayyids throughout these past fourteen centuries after hijra, whereas Sara has gone without any mention.
As for the second part of the problem, if you agree on adopting an orphan, this will be a great deed if you carry out its conditions.
The Prophet (s) said, as narrated by Imam as-Sadiq (s), 'Whoever adopts an orphan until [the orphan] becomes secure from his needs, Allah will assure Paradise to him for it just as He assures Hell to the eater of an orphan's property.' 1
The Prophet (s) also said, 'The best of your houses is a house in which there is an orphan treated kindly, and the worst of your houses is a house in which there is an orphan treated badly.' 2
He also said, 'Whoever shares his food and drink with an orphan so that the orphan becomes secure from his needs will be in Paradise.'
As for the matter of looking for an orphan who is not illegitimate, this matter has its own method that requires personal efforts and great accuracy, and in some countries, certain official places can help you out. I pray to Allah to make you and your wife successful in doing good deeds.
Question 96
My wife is faithful and from a respectable family. Before marriage, we read together some books about marital life in the light of Islamic values. Now, we are about to enter into a new stage of our shared life: it is the stage of fatherhood and motherhood. Would you please show us what is required from us in this stage so that Allah may grant us a sound child mentally and physically? I have read a tradition saying, 'The unhappy one is made unhappy in his mother's
________________________
1 Bihar al-Anwar, vol. 75 p.4.
2 Al-Hikam az-Zahira an an-Nabiy wa Itratihi at-Tahira, p.212.
womb, and the happy one is made happy in his mother's womb.'
The answer: Your question shows your purposeful culture in life and your association of Islam as a responsible mission. First, I would like to congratulate you for this constructive culture and sincere association of your beliefs.
As for the answer, I would like to say that there are some previous procedures necessary before a sperm and an ovum should convene:
1. Close relation and true love; you should have the utmost satisfaction and mental comfort with this relation!
2. Lawful food; the unlawful bite, the bite whose legal due is not paid, and the bite, on which the name of Allah is not mentioned, have a great negative effect on the offspring.
3. Suitable time (of making love); let your sleeping with your wife not be on the first day of the lunar months nor at the middle of them, nor in the nights of Eid ul-Adha (after the annual Hajj to Mecca) and Eid ul-Fitr (the end of Ramadan), nor under a fruitful tree, nor before the sun directly, nor on the roof of the house nor in the night of travel.
4. Praying to Allah to make the child sound
5. Performing wudu' when sleeping together
But, after the creation of the fetus:
1. Adhering to mutual love, eating lawful food, supplicating to Allah, and reciting the Qur'an
2. Avoiding smoking
3. Avoiding being angry and nervous
4. Avoiding chemical drugs
5. Performing wudu' throughout the period of pregnancy
6. Eating spinach for it is rich in iron, eating dates for they plant patience in the spirit of the fetus, eating quince for it gives the fetus good morals and strengthen its mind and brain, and eating pears, apples, and melons for they have an influence on the beauty, bloom, and complexion of the fetus
And, after birth:
1. Reciting the azan in the child's right ear and the iqama 1 in its left ear
2. Suckling the child from the mother's breast while the mother is in a good moral state, such as performing wudu', sitting with the face towards the Kaaba, and smiling at the child when suckling
3. Paying charity and aqeeqa (a sacrifice distributed amongst the poor as a sacrifice for the newborn baby)
4. Choosing a nice name that has a good meaning, and there are no better names than those of our infallible leaders and their pure progeny. If there is an insistence on new names, they can be derived from Qur'anic or historical words. For females, there are names like Aala', Asma', Ayaat, Ru'ya, Fadak, Ghadeer, Hidayeh, etc. For males, there are names like Zahir, Zahid, Tahir, Sabir, Bassim, Shareef, etc.
As for the tradition you have mentioned, it has been narrated from the Prophet (s) in this way, 'The unhappy one is he who is unhappy in his mother's womb, and the happy one is he who is happy in his mother's womb.' 2
This is the correct quotation of the tradition; the one you quoted implies a sense of compulsion, as if it has been predetermined from the period of pregnancy whether a man will be happy or unhappy. Compulsion is rejected in Islam because it does not go well with its teachings that invite man to practice it by his own choice and will.
The phrase in the actual tradition means that happiness or unhappiness begin from the ground parents prepare for their child, from the moment the sperm and the ovum convene and throughout the period of pregnancy. This has been confirmed by modern scientific researches, which say that alcohol, smoking, narcotics, psychological turmoil, disturbing noises,
________________________
1 Iqama is a certain wording recited at the beginning of prayers.
2 Bihar al-Anwar, vol. 5 p.9.
and harmful meals have negative effects on the health and mentality of the fetus and will have bad effects on his behavior and life in the future.
Parents must not be satisfied with their care in only the above- mentioned stages, but they must continuously educate their children of virtuous concepts and good morals as a farmer does to the seed. He continuously waters, looks after, prunes, and protects it from blights. If he delays or is slack in any one of these activities, the fruits will be affected and his efforts will be lost.
Hence, Imam Ali (s) said to his son Imam Hasan (s), 'The heart of a youth is like an empty land; whatever is planted in it, [the land] receives it. So, hasten towards good morals before your heart becomes hard and your mind becomes busy ... 1
Imam as-Sadiq (s) said, 'Educate your youth about the Hadith before the Murji'ites 2 deviate them!' 3
The Murji'ites were deviants in their beliefs. They were active among the Muslims at the time of Imam as-Sadiq (s). This movement was like any movement that appears in our age, and every age, to close the way before the youth and turn them away from the guidance of Allah the Almighty. This often happens under the name of religion and guidance.
However, if man, from his early childhood and youth, learns the true religion, he will discover the falsehoods and will be safe from the deviants.
________________________
1 Nahjol Balagha, his letter to his son Imam al-Hassan (s).
2 A politico-religious movement in early Islam.
3 Wassa'il ash-Shia, vol. 15 p.196.