Question 102
We have seen and heard about many accidents that have happened during wedding ceremonies and changed them into ceremonies of sorrows. Would you please guide us as to how we can avoid such bad accidents in order to make the ceremonies of joy the best moments in the lives of spouses?
The answer: The ceremonies of marriage, especially those which take place during the night of wedding, are based on joyous traditions that leave sweet memories in man's life. Therefore, spouses care a lot for these ceremonies. They take pictures to remain with them until the last days of their lives and to remind them of those special hours, which are different from any other hours of their life.
How nice are those moments and especially the influence left in spouses' hearts by the words of this supplication, which is read by the marriage official in the midst of the songs of the relatives who gather around the bride and bridegroom:
"O Allah, bless their marriage, unite their hearts, make their offspring good and their life happy, send Your blessings on us and them! O Allah, support whoever supports Your religion and disappoint whoever disappoints the Muslims! O Allah, make them (these spouses) among those who support Your religion and the people of Your religion and make them successful in receiving Your contentment! O Allah, satisfy our and their needs in this life and the afterlife by virtue of Muhammad and the pure progeny of Muhammad!"
Such a beautiful scene from amongst all the scenes of life deserves the best efforts and cooperation of relatives so that these ceremonies are carried out with joy and delight in the best way. However, unfortunately, in some of these weddings, quarrels take place by some irresponsible persons that do away with the joy of the young spouses who will not experience this 1 Urwatul Wuthqa, chap. Awliya' al-Aqd.
occasion again with the same pleasure.
Such quarrels take place due to ignorance, bad education, whims, drunkenness, mixing of sexes which provokes lusts, and making passes on others that leads to disputes and suspicions, and consequently many troubles are caused.
Blessings and happiness do not come to marriages that begin with unlawful acts or encourage opportunities to commit unlawful acts. Handicaps in newborn children and disagreements that lead to divorce or griefs and distresses are the results of such unlawful actions during weddings. Exciting songs, transparent clothes that display women's charms, bare faces with flagrant makeup before non-mahram men...all of these will extinguish the marital happiness sooner or later. Let people not think that it is harmless to celebrate the joys of a night or two in one year! Everything has its enduring effects, and how often it is that a simple matter troubles the situation and frustrates a marriage whereas its beginning was simple and trivial.
Hence, since religion and its moral teachings are very important, we continuously insist on and invite all classes of society to revive themselves in a modern and attractive way and in a language that is understandable by the youth.
Besides all that, the wedding ceremonies should be carried out accurately. Supplications and charity to the poor should not be ignored because they ward off misfortunes.
Question 103
My husband has good characteristics, but nevertheless he also has some extreme bad conducts. I do not know how to advise him without causing his anger against me and throwing my marital life into troubles.
The answer: Dear sister, criticizing and advising are like surgical operations but are not conducted on the body; rather, they are done on the spirit and the soul. Therefore it is a very difficult operation requiring accuracy besides the following
points:
1. Criticism must be preceded by love and a close relationship on both sides because without these, criticism becomes more a cause of disagreement and reluctance between spouses.
2. You should begin your talk with him by praising his good characteristics and then proceed little by little to criticize his bad behaviors. Praising him will make him trust in your love for him and will strengthen his morale, and then you will find he will accept your criticism sincerely.
3. After professing his fault, you should encourage him and give him hope and confidence. For example, you could say to him "I think you are able to change" or "It is not like you to say 'I cannot'" or "I trust in your will and I admire your personality", etc.
4. You should not repeat criticisms on the same subject too often, because repetition causes obduracy and anger.
5. Sometimes it would be better to criticize indirectly such as, for example, by a hint, mentioning a tradition, mentioning a story that has something to do with the matter, or playing a cassette of a lecture discussing that specific problem.
6. Let your criticism be free of insult and mockery, because the goal is to reform and rescue and not to destroy or avenge.
7. You should ask him for his criticisms about you, and when he tells them, you should accept them and thank him. This will make it easier for him to accept your criticisms about him, for humbleness brings humbleness.
8. You should limit your criticism to the matter of the fault itself and not generalize it to other sides of your husband's personality.
9. Your criticism against your husband should be done when you are alone with him and not in the presence of anyone else. It has been mentioned in one of the traditions that "he who advises his brother secretly does him good, and he who advises his brother openly does him wrong."
Here, I have to mention an advice aimed at myself first and then to this husband and those like him. It is a saying by the greatest of the wise and the master of the pious, Imam Ali (s): "He who advises you, fears for you, does good to you, thinks of your ends, and reforms your defects, in obeying him lies your guidance and in disobeying him lies your corruption." 1
Imam Zaynol Aabideen (s) said, 'The right of the one who asks you for advice on you is that you have to give him sincere advice and be kind and pitiful to him. And the right of the advisor on you is that you have to be lenient with him and listen to him carefully ..." 2.
Question 104
My wife is often nervous and angry. She scolds my children for anything they do that she does not like. I fear for their education and future if she continues in this state. In fact, I fear for my sincerity to her and the remainder of my life with her. What would you advise me to do?
The answer: Anger, as stated in the traditions, is a soldier of the Satan and a flame of Fire like any other destructive means. If your wife continues in her state and you also lose your patience, you both will in fact arrive at the end that you fear, and the first losers will be your children except if the stepmother will act towards them as a sincere and real mother, and such stepmothers are few.
Hence, I advise this wife to be prudent and patient and I advise you also to be more patient and to give her enough
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1 Mizan al-Hikma, vol.io p.57.
2 Ibid.
opportunities to ponder on the outcome of anger, which has destructive results in the family. You also have to think about the outcome of your patience because a day will come where your wife will awake out of her errors, and then she will appreciate your patience and compensate you for your previous days with her. And a day will come to you when you will find your great reward near Allah, and then your eyes will be delighted on (the day when wealth and sons avail not (any man, except him who comes to Allah with a heart free (from evil)). You must try to identify the reasons for her anger and when you are able to remove the causes of her anger, you will be happy with her. You have to be patient with her, advise her, and pray to Allah for her.
Question 105
I have been married for six years now to a husband who speaks little with me. He always keeps silent. Would you please tell me how I can bring happiness to my marital life with this silent husband, though he provides me with all I need for living? Sometimes the Satan whispers to me that my husband hates me. Am I normal?
The answer: As spouses have to follow an appropriate program to run the economical affairs of their joint life, they also have to follow an appropriate program to achieve the most balanced sentiment possible, because when love becomes firm between a husband and a wife, it gives them tranquility, liveliness, and interest in their shared fate, and then little talking between them does not affect their life.
Dear sister, what is important is that you have to do your best to strengthen the love and the feeling of interest in your mutual fate with your husband. Do not let your husband's silence deprive you of his love to you, because when love dries up, the train of your life will enter into a tunnel of problems that will lead to a bad end. I think that talking little is not an excuse for you to throw your life into dangerous problems.
Your behaving lovingly towards him will defeat his hatred for you, if he has any hatred towards you. In fact, not every silence
of a husband means that there is a hatred towards the wife. It may be a habit in the husband since his childhood. However, if it is a new habit, you can talk to him about it openly. Perhaps he may have suffered a psychological shock, and this can be cured by your wisdom or that of other wise people or specialists.
Question 106
I am overcome with despair for my marital life to proceed happily. This is because, as I think, of the difference between my husband and me in intellect, culture, and understanding affairs of living. I am a university graduate while he has not even finished elementary school. I have a scientific position while he is weak and he stammers when he wants to show what he intends to say. Therefore, I feel that we do not understand each other. Do you think that divorce will guarantee happiness for both of us?
The answer: Dear sister, there are three choices before you:
The first: you may choose to be satisfied with the situation you are in and to not compare your life with the lives of others. This requires you, first, to not think of others besides your husband, and second, you should try your best to make him understand what you understand. You should be aware that the basis of success in this life is sincerity in love and looking forward to the reward of Allah and the good end of patience.
The second: you may continue feeling dissatisfied and continue worrying about your life and relationship, which definitely means eliminating marital happiness.
The third, you may choose divorce, which is lawful but Allah hates it and His Throne shakes for it except when the joint life of spouses reaches a dead end.
If you ask me, I will not hesitate to advise you to follow the first way. Mutual understanding most of the time means submitting to the lawful wish of the husband and neglecting your personal wishes, but with making him feel that this is only for the love of Allah and for the continuity of a happy marital
life.
Beware of being proud of the elements of preference you have, such as a university diploma and the like, because this is a way leading to a bad end and is a defect that does not befit a learned Muslim girl. Your intellect requires you to know that happiness is gained through morals and faith while university diplomas and scientific information alone do not produce happiness and ease.
Dear sister, I hope that you pay attention to this fact before you are filled with regret. This is my opinion if the reason for your despair is as you have mentioned. However, if your husband is in a state that makes him unsuccessful and unfit for you, the solution will be to follow the third way. May Allah be with you!
Question 107
I am a mother of seven children. I suffer from physical troubles because I do too much work in the house that is beyond my ability. My husband is a hard-hearted man who does not appreciate my efforts and this increases my exhaustion. Would you please tell me what to do?
The answer: Distributing tasks in the marital life should be done fairly and consensually. If you have children, they should be entrusted with some tasks according to their ages and abilities while instilling sincere motives inside them to do those tasks willingly and with interest.
This is what should be done, but when the opposite takes place, it means that there is a defect in someone's mentality and this defect can be cured by a sound mentality.
Dear sister, what you suffer can be cured by patience while expecting your reward from Allah and showing love and respect towards your husband so that he may someday awake out of his severity towards you. Besides these steps, you should encourage him to attend the meetings of good ulama and scholars and listen to the speeches of good preachers so that he may be affected by a word from those ulama and preachers and
then he may be rescued from his injustice, for the true religion has brought man solutions to all problems if he believes in religion.
Question 108
Why am I so forgetful? My wife is angry at my state, and my dignity does not permit for her to raise her voice against me. This is the focal point of our problems.
The answer: Forgetfulness has several causes, such as worry, problems that press on one's nerves, psychological troubles, fright, melancholy, and sins, especially the hidden major sins. From among these reasons, there are also some diseases and accidents.
These things are like black clouds lying heavily on a man's memory. In order to cure this case, you have to organize your life. For example, you should assign a certain time for sleeping, follow a healthy diet, practice sports, and strengthen your relation with Allah the Almighty by performing the obligations and avoiding all kinds of sins.
There are some tested things that strengthen one's memory such as memorizing Qur'anic verses, always being with wudu', reciting supplications, and avoiding quarreling with others.
Question 109
Between my wife and me there are several differences in intellect, physique, and wealth. These things often cause disagreements and quarrels between us. Sometimes, these quarrels break out before our children. We are well aware that these disagreements and quarrels have bad effects on the children's mentality and education, but our violent anger is uncontrollable. How can we get rid of this state and live tranquilly to build the future of our children?
The answer: There is no doubt that religious beliefs, cultures, arts, traditions, and good habits have good effects on the manner of the relationship between spouses, their views on life, and their way of making use of the abilities they have. However, reason and wisdom lead us to the knowledge that
these differences between spouses do not mandate disagreements and quarrels. In fact, a reasonable person should deal with these natural differences wisely. He should look at them from these five viewpoints:
First, these differences complement each other. The existence around us is composed of different elements, but they all complement each other in the best way. Spouses should not let their natural differences destroy the bridges of love and understanding between them.
Second, spouses should try their best to change the cultures and habits that Islam does not accept. How many habits and ideas have families planted into their children who grow up with them without pondering on whether they are right or wrong, and how many habits have the social milieu (school, friends, the media, etc.) planted into children while these habits and ideas are far removed from the pure Islamic culture. Therefore, spouses should change the ideas and bad habits that trouble them.
Third, to make the mutual understanding between spouses easy and to decrease disagreements between them, each of them should give the other side the right to show his\her opinion freely without suppressing or interrupting him \her before completing his\her speech and clarifying his\her opinion.
Fourth, we should know that the differences between people in general, and between spouses in particular, are trials that people are tried with. Instead of thinking of running away from these differences or sinking into melancholy and psychological distresses, we should know how to deal with this divine decree, which is inevitable. It is a trial for man in this life, and Allah will accordingly determine for him the reward and Paradise or the punishment and Hell. Therefore, let man think deeply of where he wants to be!
Fifth, life is too short to comprehend problems and troubles that are trivial. Hence, a reasonable person should overlook problems and live his life, which he does not know when it
shall end, happily with good fame and honor.
The Prophet (s) has asked husbands to forgive their wives' mistakes even if they are seventy in one day. Once a man asked the Prophet (s) about a wife's right on her husband and the Prophet (s) said, 'He covers her body with clothes, satisfies her stomach with food, and forgives her if she commits mistakes.' The man asked, 'How many times does he forgive her?' The Prophet (s) said, 'seventy times a day.' 1
Question 110
My husband is a rich, young man and because I am not from a rich family, the mother and the sisters of my husband gibe at me at every occasion and even before the guests sometimes. Would you please tell me what to do with this problem, which has begun to deprive me of my happiness with my husband, who does not defend me before them?
The answer: Material poverty is not a defect; rather the defect lies in lack of morals. You are actually rich while they are the real poor ones. Your faith, good morals, and patience will make you defeat your problem and these are the strongest weapons in defeating unjust situations against yourself.
Dear sister, try to be a strong wife who seizes her success from the depths of her suffering to enjoy real happiness! Even if your husband does not defend you, it does not mean that he agrees with his family's being unjust towards you. He may not know the proper way of defending or he may think that his defending you shall complicate the problem further; therefore, he is trying to keep the stability of the family. Waiting for a suitable time of defending and in a wise way will be better.
Thus, you would be better off appreciating the situation of your husband and being more patient. Be sure that the right side will win at the end of any crisis. Beware of pride when one day you shall feel your success, because pride then shall make you as blamable as those who gibe you today!
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Makarim al-Akhlaq, p.216.
Besides that, you should try to be more humble and kind towards them, and especially to the ones who gibe you, so that they may feel ashamed and regretful when they are alone with their consciences and when they find your good morals and kindness in return for their bad doings. Do not hesitate, whenever the opportunity comes to you, to say good sayings with smiles to those who do you wrong that they may be more reasonable and stop their injustice towards you!
Question 111
Fifteen years have passed since I got married. These years have been like a countdown of the love between my husband and myself. What should I do to go back to the love that was between us at the beginning of our marriage?
The answer: Sometimes the seed of love exists inside the spouses' hearts, but accidents of life and discovering the defects and deficiencies of each other throw some dust on that seed and prevent it from growing in the marital life.
If your husband suffers from this, as I believe, then following these steps may restore your love as it was:
First, love will blossom if spouses try to water it sincerely with positive acts and if they overlook the negative acts.
Second, the goal of love is not controlling the beloved, possessing or monopolizing him as some women think. If love comes out of heart, it will undoubtedly enter into the other heart. Nothing will disturb it except selfishness and attempts to control the other, which has been referred to in traditions as "the jealousy of women". In men, this jealousy is opposite to that of women, because when a man becomes jealous for his wife, he will protect her from bad men, whereas if a woman becomes jealous for her husband, she will practice mastery, possession, suspicion, and watching him. This will lead her husband to an aversion for her and then what she does not like will take place.
Third, do not expect much from your husband; for example, do
not expect him to speak the same words of love that he used to speak during the period of engagement or the first days of marriage. If he forgets to offer you something that he used to offer on certain occasion, you should not be angry with him. You should know that these things do away with the love between you. Be discerning, easy, and humble because when a husband sees his wife is inflexible, often angry, and complicated, he will begin thinking of another wife or he will treat his wife likewise or he may submit to her unwillingly and then no place for happiness will remain in these cases.
Fourth, do not blame your husband too much because too much blame hurts one's dignity and causes disputes and quarrels, which destroy the marital relationship. Try to understand his circumstances, appreciate his efforts, and praise the positive sides of his personality, and then refer to what deserves to be blamed in a lenient way, implicitly and smilingly.
Question 112
Islam has emphasized much on pondering and thinking, as you know. I, like other people, have my own ambitions in my marital and family life in the midst of hundreds of obstacles and frustrations. Would you please show me practical steps based on the right thinking in order to solve these problems and push the obstacles out of my way?
The answer: You should know that thinking, like breathing, is a vital operation for man. Just as you live through breathing, you enjoy the pleasures of life through thinking because you can defeat problems one after another without exhausting yourself, and then you can feel the ecstasy of victory.
Do not think that there exists a life without problems. The problems for a person who does not ponder and think keep accumulating until that person perishes while his accumulated problems remain.
The difference is that you, with the right thinking, feel, as you should, that you can conquer a problem and are ready to conquer the next one, without thinking you will be defeated or will suffer until you die without achieving any success or
gaining any benefit in your life.
As for the practical steps you have asked about, they are as follows:
1. Devote your heart to Allah the Almighty and ask Him for success!
2. Give charity as much as you possibly can to the poor without letting any human being know about it!
3. Explain the problem you face to yourself and try to understand it well!
4. Obtain as much information as you can to solve the problem!
Make a real estimation of your actual state!
6. Think of several solutions and consult with reasonable persons about your problem!
7. Compare the advantages and disadvantages of each one of those solutions, and then choose the best of them based on your actual abilities!
8. When thinking of a certain matter, do not occupy your mind with another one!
9. Concentrate all your abilities on solving your problems according to the level of their importance!
10. Before beginning (to solve the problem), think well of the things you need for the solution!
11. Carry out each step in its time!
12. Let your wife participate with you in these steps and cooperate with her at all times!
Question 113
The state in my house is not as I would like. I am tired when I come back from my work, I find my wife tired of the housework and my children let loose and noisy, I beat them but with no use, etc. I feel that my marital and family life is disorderly. I hope that you can guide me with what may illuminate my way and save my life from
this disorderliness.
The answer: There are five educational facts you have to comprehend in order to get out of your troubles:
First, whereas when any one of us exhausts his powers in the problems of life and then looks for comfort in peace and quiet away from noises, children, on the contrary, feel pleasure and joy with disorderly movements and with making noises that annoy adults, though children do not mean to annoy others of course.
You expend your energies in working outside the house, but have you ever asked yourself where your child expends his energies?
In the past, houses were big with wide yards where children would spend their energies while their noises and cries would not reach their parents' resting places. But nowadays, since houses are small with narrow yards, children should not be blamed for disturbing parents.
Second, a man, throughout the week, works outside the house while his wife works inside the house. On days off, the man likes to rest in the house after being tired outside it all week, whereas his wife likes to go out on her husband's days off after being tired of remaining in the corners of her house all week.
This difference, if it is not treated with leniency by the two spouses and especially the husband, may become a cause for disputes and quarrels that also bring pain and boredom, of which children pay the costs.
Here, it would be better for the two spouses, who are different in their wishes, to understand and agree with each other, and then they can teach their children how to understand each other and agree with each other when their wishes are different.
Third, beating children without certain rules and criteria encourages them to commit crimes and repeat the same act they were beaten for. Let us be very careful not to lead our children to commit crimes in their childhood and adulthood
through excessive scolding or severe beating.
Fourth, the father may say something harsh to the mother in front of the children, and this word may leave bad effects on their mentality and life while he is unaware of where these effects may have come from. For example, one day the wife might cook some extra food and then the husband would shout at her loudly in front of the children, "you have not tasted poverty to know the value of my efforts and the money I bring you!"
These words, which can be said in other ways and in private to the wife, can plant a fear of the future inside the hearts of the children and cause them mental disturbance and anxiety of the unknown. There is no doubt that this matter will be an obstacle that stops the progress of the children's learning and affects their efforts to build their futures besides the fact that it will make them desperate and absent-minded all their lives. All this leads to disorderliness in life.
Fifth, try not to tire yourself with work outside the house, for your duty towards your wife and children is not only to satisfy their material needs. Psychological, educational, and spiritual needs are also important. These aspects require you to sit with them, look after their different affairs, and make them feel that you love and pay a lot of attention to them. It is reported that Imam Hasan (s) said, 'I wonder at how one who thinks of his foods does not think of his mentalities!'
Dear brother, man is a compound of body and spirit, the material and immaterial, the outward and inward. The food he eats satisfies the two elements, but the spiritual side may be the most important. Therefore, you should assign a certain time for your family. You should sit with them, enter their life, play, laugh, and be indulgent with them. The happiness and delight that you will get in this side, you will not get in the material side regardless of how much you tire yourself and regardless of what money and material needs you offer to your family.