ATTENTION
Nervous and psychological ailments are amongst the basic causes of sexual weaknesses. The trace of these ailments are definitely present in all the modes of sexual weakness and inability, such as hasty and immature discharge, imperfect sexual intercourse and the inability of satisfying the spouse.
These diseases must be treated by expert psychologists and psychiatrists. This topic is quite vast and has broad spectrum and needs detailed discussion so at present we will not enter into it.
6- EQUALITY OF BEAUTY
Attention to the harmony in the beauty of the face and figure between the two spouses is also necessary. If one of the two is beautiful, handsome and proportionately figured and the other one is ugly and badly featured and figured, there is a probability of displeasure and difficulty for both. Spiritual difficulty and a sense of sexual deprivation, frustration, deviation, immodesty,and depression for the beautiful one would exist. Please take into what has been described about the sixth attribute (beauty) previously in this chapter.
7- EQUALITY IN AGE
A balance and equity of ages must also be considered in the selection of a spouse. The difference in the age of sexual puberty in males and females is a natural phenomenon. Boys generally attain puberty four years after the girls.
The equity and matching of the ages of the boys and the girl relates to the difference of age, not the uniformity of it, since this difference has been placed in their creation. Of course, observing a difference of four years in age is not obligatory, instead, it is better if it is there. This quality should be added to the total sum of attributes for consideration and contemplation. It is possible that the age of the girl is not less than the boy (to this extent), but she may have other peculiarities and distinctions to compensate for the shortage.
8- ECONOMICAL EQUALITY
A common custom could be discussed here which is: It is not advisable for there to be a large gap and difference in the monetary positions and status of the two families of the boy and the girl.
We know ourselves pretty well that we become unbalanced and off track by laying hands on an amount of wealth and material sources. We start to be proud and boast of favour to others and humiliate and belittle them. Why must we deceive ourselves then? Commonly, if a poor or an economically average boy marries a girl from a wealthy family, he must become their servant, whereas, if a poor girl marries a boy from a rich family, she must become their maid.
Of course, there are a few exceptions, of which we shall talk at the end of this chapter.
9- FAMILY EQUALITY
Just as has been formerly mentioned, in the discussion of 'Family Nobility', marriage with a person is equivalent to having a relation with a family and a
race. So the families of the boy and the girl must have proportionality and be equivalent from religious, social, and moral aspects.
10- POLITICAL CONSISTENCY
For instance, those believing in and adherent to the Islamic revolution and the system must not marry anti revolutionary and anti system families, although they may apparently be religious, since they would definitely come across difficulties. Either they have to quit nd abandon their beliefs and become harmonious with them of they must face, confront, and have a permanent debate and tussle with them, both of these being a waste and loss. The Islamic revolution was born from Islam , and opposing the roots an origins of this, is opposing Islam. Of course, those who are committed to the origin of the revolution and the Islamic system and might sympathetically criticize some matters, we do not consider them to be the opponents of the revolution.
11- SOCIAL CONSISTENCY
The person who is learned, knowledgeable, associated and connected with research and wants to spend his life in the field of learning and research, whose family and social life has the same composition and is fabricated in the same way and who has a profound investigative spirit must never marry a person of a family whose social spirit is a pompous,aristocratic, and ceremonious one or to those who are used to luxurious life, pompous invitations, bizarre night vigils full of passion, and excessive, extravagant
journey and programmes of enjoyment and entertainment. We have seen many persons who made this mistake and were deluded and fell prey to misery and affliction.
Of course, it is necessary and essential to attend to the entertainment of life, and the same person who id engaged in study and research should not remain heedless to this aspect of life.
Ayatollah Jawadi Amoli used to say: "According to Islamic traditions, determination ad extravagant invitations do not exist with each other." It is not possible that a student and research scholar and investigator reaches a place and position through luxurious living."1
We know some friend who, mistakes and neglect, married girls who themselves, or their families, were people with luxurious and ceremonious modes of life. Conventionally speaking, they were from the well-off strata and even if they were not from that group, their spirit, training, and social conduct was not concordant with knowledge, piety, and contentment. As a result, their lives became entangled in affliction and painful displeasures, and in some cases, were shattered.
The saying "birds of a feather, flock together" may look to be quite and ordinary and indelicate expression, but it has a great truth in it.
It is true that the superstitious stratum distinctions are void, but human societies have variant spirits, training
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1- From his ethical reminders, seminary of Qom.
and social or ethical behaviours, which cannot be denied.
A CONSIDERABLE SPECIMEN
Mr ... is a learned and wise researcher and has a probing spirit. Having live a joint marital life of a few years with Mrs... and having a few children ultimately reached divorce. That man describes the actual cause of their separation as such:
My job is in a scientific and research role. I work, like any worker, nearly ten hours a day in connection with my research. My wife did not have any interest in my work and would always arrange entertainment programs and wish me to join them. I used to tell her, "Just as a building labourer, carpenter, blacksmith and grocer go to their work early in the morning and come back home in the afternoon to offer their prayers, have lunch and take a rest before going back to their prayers, have lunch and take a rest before going back to their workplace to hand over the products of their work to society, I too feel myself committed to putting in the same amount of effort, spending my working hours in the library, busy with the research assignment and yielding its production to society. I too spent the same account of time in entertainment programmes as they do, not more. My wife did not appreciate this logic stand, and pledge of mine and insisted on me joining all her scheduled programmes. But I did not submit to her will, since I considered my assignment more important than that, until such time as we could no longer live together."
The marriage of those spouse who do not have social and mental harmony is harmful to both of them. You can see in the affair described, that both have faced loss and neither of the two can be recognized as the defaulter. Because that researcher and learned person can not be denounced for not surrendering to his wife's programs,and neither can that wife not be rebuked for not becoming a learned research scholar, withstanding the that man's life dedicated to research. Even if they wished, they could not possibly have become homologous, since each one of the two possessed a specific and particular kind of spirit, training and objectives. They considered prosperity and felicity and obligation in what they practiced and could not appreciate the other one's stand.
But what is indisputable is that both of them had one fault and error, which is that they should not have married in the first place. If each of them had married a homogeneous person, they would have been quite relaxed and comfortable. The man should have married a knowledge loving, studious lady of research, and the women should have married a man of worldly living, entertainments and material enjoyment.
Perhaps at the time of proposal and marriage they were not conscious and aware of the essentiality of ideological and social harmony and co-ordination between a husband and a wife. They married in a state of indifference ad heedlessness.
Ayatollah Ahmadi Mianji used to say: "The religious scholars who were ascetic men, their wives were
ascetics. But if their wives did not remain contented and pressurizedd them and demanded more, those scholars could not have been ascetics."
The wife of Allama Tabatabai had a major effect on his progress and success. Allama had a simple and ascetic life and their house was a rented one; yet his wife, for all her worth and regard was convinced about Allama's course of knowledge and research and accompanied him with utmost forbearance, affection, and fortitude until the end of his life.
12- PSYCHOLOGICAL CONSISTENCY
In this section, we benefit from the letter written by a worthy brother who did not allow us to print his name:
Spiritual and psychological harmony is one condition of equity. I'm more elaborate and minute terms 'personalities of various persons have been categorized into many groups. On of the most prominent of them is the categorization of internal and externals. Of course this is a scientific discussion, which should be given shape by benefiting from the views of experts and specialists. What can be briefly said is that the two categories are relative phenomena and, as a matter of fact, it is a spectrum, which can be graded from I ( Sheer internal inclination) to 100 (sheer external inclination). from the other side, sheer interior inclination (isolation) and exterior inclination (selflessness) are undesired upon the Islamic standard of values. So we must say: It cannot be said, for a desired Islamic life, that the internal person and external person should
marry persons from their own category and group. Instead, a balance should be established. But to constrain future confrontations and a lack of understanding, there should not be much of a distance. That is to say, the mutual distance should not be more than 20 or 30 degree. For instance, the one whose degree is 20 on one scale shall not have a comfortable life with someone who is located at 80 degrees on the same scale (a difference of 60 degrees).
13- FUTURE EQUALITY
(FUTURE MUST ALSO TO A POSSIBLE EXTENT BE TAKEN IN VIEW)
It is possible that a boy and a girl are equivalent and proportionate at the time of proposal and marriage, and apparently there may not be any considerable non-co-ordination and heterogeneity between them, but after a few years of marriage, a change or variation takes place in their life and consequently, a disharmony and discord brings about difficulty. So what must be done in these cases? How must future disharmonies be prevented?
The changes that occur in individuals and loves are of two forms:
1. UNPREDICTABLE VARIATIONS
Some changes and variations take place in the lives of certain people, which are unpredictable even though one might be the most foresighted person. Such kinds of occurrences and happenings need a specific reaction and a special decision and their suitable solutions should be sought. Such cases are out of the scope of our discussion.
2. PREDICTABLE CHANGES
Man can by pondering, contemplating, counselling, and seeking advice of alert and knowledgeable persons, considering his capabilities, talents, and inclinations to foresee many of the problems and events of his future life.
The youth who finds keenness, vigour and talents in respect of problems of knowledge and learning, and wishes to lead a life of knowledge and research must be attentive to this point when starting the search for a spouse. He or she must select a spouse possessing the capability an inclination towards these matters, and be fit to stand the limitations of such a life. The tolerance of these limitations needs recognition, capability and interest.
A person who loves luxuries and unlimited recreation cannot sacrifice these upon lofty and scared aims. How could a person brought up amid the ceremonious and enjoyable luxuries of life be expected to become familiar with the gatherings of knowledge, morality, and excellence? The person whose life is integrated with gold, clothes, fashion worshipping and passions cannot go along with a pious and meaningful life. How can a person born and bred in a mean and badly trained family, lacking faith in spiritual values, and one who has been nourished by the sap of that unclean tree and whose flesh, skin and soul has grown from that stinking marsh, breathe and live in a fragrant garden of purity and spiritualism? (We have nothing to do with the exceptions).
The future of a family can, to a great extent, be foreseen by the consideration of its form of conduct and morality. A person who intends to shoulder the big responsibilities of society and his life has to meet changes, variations, and revolutions and who expects his wife to accompany and assist him, must choose a witty, sagacious, tolerant and purposeful spouse. The girl who loves virtues and excellence and wishes to follow 'Zeinab-e Kubra' (a.s) must marry a man resembling Hussain (a.s). The boy who wants to have pious and gnostic children must marry a pious, ascetic and gnostic girl.
DISCUSSING THE FUTURE AIMS AND PROBABLE
CHANGES BEFORE MARRIAGE
The boy and the girl should tell each other the aims, ideals, future designs in their minds and the probable changes to occur in future. Because, if the spouses know the aims, purpose and plans of the future before getting married, they either accept those and prepare themselves for bearing and accompanying of they reject them and the matter does not occur.
But if they do not know and understand, then they might not accept and tolerate those things after being confronted with them. Consequently, they get involved and the matter reaches a point of conflict and incongruity.
QUESTION AND ANSWER
In the preliminary era of Islam, we observe some cases in the histories of the leaders of Islam and the companions of the Prophet (a.s) where some marriage
took place in which these standards and cases of match-making were not taken into view. For instance, in the marriage of Hazrat Mohammad (a.s), the Proportionality of age and economical status were not observed. Hazrat Khadija (a.s) was much older and richer than the Prophet (a.s). Likewise, in the marriage of juwaibir and Zalfa the homogeneity of the family social status and beauty were not viewed. Zalfa was very beautiful and her family's social status was much higher than that of Juwaibir; but this marriage was executed by the command of the holy Prophet (a.s). Some of the infallible Imams married their slave maids and there are many more examples. Similarly, in our own age, we also sometimes see marriages and lives in which some of the above- mentioned standards and criteria are not observed in connection with the match-making of the spouses and they have relatively better lives. Do these specimens not contradict and undermine the standards of spouse selection in the above discussion?
ANSWER
1- What we discuss in these arguments is based upon te majority of people. It is possible that the problems discussed may have exceptions that are reserved in their places. But rules and regulations can never be set upon the bases of exceptions.
2- The strengths and capacities of individuals are different and the heavy load of responsibility cannot be put equally on all shoulders. That one who is weak bends his back and perhaps, his back may even break.
Heavy loads are the responsibility of energetic and powerful men. But as far as the common folk and the different strata and group of society are concerned, the energies and capacities of the majority of them should be taken into view and the responsibility and law be formulated according to their conditions.
For instance, Allah farmed some authorities and specified duties for the Prophet (a.s) so that nobody else except him was bound and obliged to perform them, (such as the obligatory night service, his guardianship and superiority in all matters over the Muslims and non Muslims, the number of marriages allowed and many other things).
3- If there are people to be found in other times who can practise exceptional matters, we too would appreciate and encourage them.
Thus the marriage such as that of the Prophet (a.s) with Khadija (a.s) or that of Zalfa with Juwaibir are not common prescriptions to be suggested and prescribed to all. yes, if the likes of Khadija (a.s) and Mohammad (a.s) appear, they would be the matches of each other and their marriage would be blessing and prosperity, although they may be various in respect of age and wealth.
Whenever a faithful and pious girl like Zalfa comes into existence and is as submissive to the Prophet (a.s) as she was, and a boy having the decency and faith of Juwaiber is found and he submits to the Prophet in the same way, both would be the match and counterpart of each other; though the boy may be ugly and poor and
the girl be beautiful and wealthy. So we must be careful not to mix matters up.
Of course, there is nobody and there was nobody like the Prophet and the infallible Imams, but at least there should be some resemblance to them so that such marriage are suggested.
The commander of the believers, Ali (a.s) said:
"You cannot lead your lives like me. But help me in piety, endeavour, modesty and honesty (Try to imitate me)." 1
If not like the infallibles, we can become the like of others such as Zalfa and Juwaibir. We know many girls in our own society who married the dear soldiers of the scared war and serve them from the core of their hearts and take pride in it.2
IMPORTANT CAUTION!
CAREFULNESS YES! OBSESSION, NO!
If one has the knowledge of correct standards criteria of spouse selection, one would not face perplexity and fault. But if one does not lay hand on the correct an exact standards and is unaware what to do, one would be perplexed and uncertain about it. Sometimes, one is dragged and pushed into and state of excessiveness and practises unnecessary and undue obsession. At times, one get involved in deficiency;
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1- Nahjul Balagha, Imam Ali's (a.s) letter to Usman bin Hunaif.
2- We will discuss this issue in the seventh chapter "sacrificial marriage."
both ways are damaging and bring repentance.
The balanced, correct, and desirable way is that at first, one should achieve the standards, which one deems true and fit, then select the spouse according to those standards, following the ways and manners to be described in the next chapter.
The minute care I am emphasizing is other than undue obsession.
We must know that a perfect spouse does not have any shortage and shortcoming according to the desire and want of person can never be found and can never be obtained (except the commander of the faithful, Hazrat Ali (a.s) and Fatima zahra (a.s) both of them infallibles and pure form all faults, shortcoming and sins). We do not know any other couple, which might be infallibles. Even the spouses of other infallibles were not infallibles (innocent). Nobody (apart from the innocent and the infallibles) (both men and women) is pure of faults and everybody definitely has weak points.
If somebody wishes to have an all round, perfect, and complete spouse which should be according to his wants and desires, he must firstly look into himself to see wether he or she is free of all faults and does not have any weak points. Surely, no one can make such a claim. Therefore he or she should know that the person who is going to be his or her spouse is also not devoid and free of all defects and complete. One must not think so idealistically, or no one will ever reach one's complete ideal.