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Family Life

Abstainance From Instigating Problems and Differences

The problems and differences in the family will create tense and constricted atmosphere, threatening the family's constancy and firmness. It may even in most cases leads to splitting and destroying the marital relation of the family which will be the cause of anxiety to the whole members of the family especially the children where as the differences and the constricted situation between the parents will lead to the draw back of the child stability and emotional in-balance in all the stages of his life commencing from the early stage of his pregnancy, his infancy and other preceding stages.

The intense atmosphere leave its impact on the child's future personality (verily the behaviorism unrest and psychological ailments that affected the child in his early stage and his future old age is a result of wrong dealing of the parents like material friction which create tense in family's atmosphere that do seize the child's psychological safety) 24

Scholar Jirard Fujan says: (The mother in the house who did not possess enough discretion as a human being, mother and wife will not be able to induce the feelings of security) 25.

Feeling secured and constancy are the most important factors for the child's personality and his prudent building but in a condition where there is a continuous differences and tense this feeling seize to exist while the child will be in a state of dilemma and perplex ion, in this type of situation,

he don't know what to do, he is not able to stop the conflict and the controversy especially if it is accompanied with violence, he can't take stand with one of the parent nor the other. In addition in order to take the child near to every one of them, they will try to establish their Right by accusing the opposite side for initiating the problems and the differences, all this leaves a dark point in the mind, brain and in the wishes of the child.

DR. Sapok says: (Verily the psychological clinics witness thousand of situation from the children that were brought up from the midst of the family that are full of severe differences, those children feel differ from other human beings at their old age and lost trust from their soul. They fear of establishing sound emotional relations because he deem the meaning of formation of family was to create differences between each other in the house and exchange of humiliation) 26These types of differences and constrictions that do occur differ from one family to the other and ways of expressing constrict in the family.

It can be harsh, abusive and continuous humiliations and it may be beatings and physical punishment. The child at his own side will pick up all these practices that occurred as a result of the differences in the family and reflect in his present and future ways of life. That is why we see some child humiliating or even beating their mothers or applies the same method with his wife at his old age.

In order to protect this constrictions and differences between the two spouses or to reduces its psychological and emotional effects or to curtail and put an end to it, Islam has laid down a perfect method to remove the differences and constrictions. It has passed in the previous point which was emphasizing deepen of cordiality and blessing with in the family and had laid down programs for the Rights and obligations between the two spouses.

The most important of such program will free the method of selecting ones spouse as it will soon comes. The Islamic method is depends on the ways of urging and encouraging precaution against the occurrence of difference or tackling its beginning or solving it after it has occurred, a method to restrain and censured those practicing controversy or things that leads to it.

The holy Prophet (peace be upon him and his descendants) said: "the best men among my nation are those who did not attack their families nor be unjust with them and sympathize with them" 27.

Imam Mohammad Al-Baqir (peace be upon him) has encourage endurance of offence because retaliating offence with offence widening the circle of controversies and constrictions.

He (peace be upon him) also said: "Allah will free him from hell fire and make incumbent for him to enter paradise who ever endure an offence from his wife" 28.

And the prophet (peace be upon him and his decedents) has encourage men to be patient for the bad conduct of his wife, he then said: "Allah will reward who ever for bear the bad conduct of his wife like that of the reward of Prophet Ayub (peace be upon him) in his affliction" 29.

If not that the Prophet (peace upon him and his descendant) has recommended us to be patient from the wife's misconduct it couldn't has been usual.

Then it becomes dearest and desirable from the side of a religious male spouse to be patient with contentedness and satisfaction through that will not amount to humiliation of his dignity. Emulating the Prophet's (peace be upon him and his descendants) ways of dealing with his wives will reduce many constricts like wise by emulating the conduct of Ahlulbait (peace be upon them).

Imam Jaafar bn Mohammad Assadiq (peace be upon him): "my father (peace be upon him) had a wife did hurts him but he did forgives her" 30.

The Prophet (peace be upon him and his descendants) forbid using violence with the wife, he said : "Any man that slap his wife, Allah will command the Angel of the Hell fire to slap his face seventy times in the Hell fire" 31.

And Imam Jaafar Assadiq (peace be upon him) has encouraged mutual understanding in order to abstain from intense controversies, he then said: "The best among your women is she who said to her husband if she is annoying or was annoyed, my hand is your hand, I will not use an eyeliner on the twinkle of my eye until you are pleased with me" 32.

On the authority of Imam Mohammad Al-Baqir (peace be upon him): "And women's struggle is to endure from what she envisage from the husband regards hurt ness and jealousy" 33.

The Prophet (peace be upon him and his descendants) has forbidden wife from attitudes that will lead to encourage of controversies, he (peace be upon him and his descendants) said : "The most wicked among your women is she who is subservient to her family and feel nobility before her husband, spiteful barren, who did not fear evil, adorning in absents of her husband, descent in the presence of her husband, she don't hear her husband's sayings and don't obey his ommandment, she seriously rejected her Husband in their privacy from mounting on her, she doesn't accept his excuses nor forgives his short comings" 34.

The Prophet (peace be upon him and his descendants) has also forbid women from charging her husband more than his ability, he in this respect said : "Any women enters with her husband about her expenditures and demands more than his ability, Allah will not accept her spending and justice except she returns and demands base on his ability" 35.

The Prophet (peace be upon him and his descendants) also forbids women from reminding her favors on the husband, he (peace be upon him and his descendants) said : "If a woman went to her spouse with the whole Gold and Silver on the Earth and one day beat her husband's head and said to him, who are you? The wealth is mine, Allah will destroy all her good deeds even though she is the most subservient among the people except she repents and returns to seek pardon from her husband" 36

The Prophet (peace be upon him and his descendants) has cautioned the women from confronting her husband with bitter word in order to affect his nerves. He (peace be upon him and his descendants) said : "Allah will not accept the spending, justice and good deeds of any woman that hurt her husband with her tongue until she pleased him" 37.

The Prophet (peace be upon him and his descendants) has forbidden abandonment as it is considered to be introduction to splitting and separation of relations. He (peace be upon him and his descendants) said: "She is an oppressor who abandoned her husband and she will be resurrected from the bottom of Hell fire with Fir'aun, Haamaan and Qaarun except she repent and return" 38.

If all these recommendations are completely observed it is enough to quench all sorts of tenses and constrictions and if the two spouses were not able to observe those recommendations their differences should far away from the ears of the children like wise the exchange of negative views, humiliation and accusation also should far away from their hearings. They should made the children to understand that controversies are natural events, that they like each other while both spouses should try to put and end to their controversies in their earliest convenient time.

Notes:

24 - Adwa'i Ala nnafsil Bashariyyah: 302 by DR. Zareen Abbas Emaran - printed by Daruth-thaqafah- Beirut 1st edition 1407 A.H.

25 - Same as above.

26 - Mashaakilil Abaa'a fi tarbiyatil Abnaa'a:45

27 - Makaarimul Akh'laq: 216-217

28 - Makaarimul Akh'laq: 216

29 - Makaarimul Akh'laq:213

30 - Manla yahdurhul Faqeeh vol-3:279/ 4th-ch- women's Right on men.

31 - Mustadrakil wasaa'il vol-2:550

32 - Makaarimul Akh'laq:200.

33 - Manla yahdurhul Faqeeh vol-3:277/ 4th ch - Men's Right on Women.

34 - Makaarimul Akh'laq: 202.

35 - Makaarimul Akh'laq: 202.

36 - Makaarimul Akh'laq: 202.

37 - Makaarimul Akh'laq: 214.

38 - Makaarimul Akh'laq: 202.

Adapted from the book: "The Child's Education in Islam" by: "Ismail Abdullah"